25 Captain Spaulding Quotes From the Killer Clown

By Clifton Sankofa

School Leader, Language Arts Expert & Master Quote Curator

Published June 28, 2023

Find out if murderous clowns can be lovable with our Captain Spaulding quotes.

Sid Haig’s character has become an icon of modern horror films.

Find out how with our Captain Spaulding quotes below.

Who is Captain Spaulding?

Captain Spaulding is a fictional character who stars in three horror films by director Rob Zombie.

He is a central figure in House of 1000 Corpses, The Devil’s Rejects, and 3 from Hell.

Check out these interesting facts about Captain Spaulding’s name below:

Captain Spaulding’s real name is Johnny Lee Johns.
Captain Spaulding earned the nickname Cutter for slicing a man to death.
Zombie named his killer clown after Groucho Marx’s character from the Broadway musical Animal Crackers.

What is Captain Spaulding all about?

Captain Spaulding runs a gas station and fried chicken eatery.

He has a potty mouth and rarely expresses an idea or observation without cussing.

In addition to the gas and chicken, he runs a horror roadside attraction known as Dr. Spaulding’s Museum of Monsters and Mayhem.

Captain Spaulding: An icon for modern horror

Sid Haig is the actor who plays Spaulding.

He played the role so well that some fans questioned his appearance.

Horror fans love Captain Spaulding.

He represents a psychopathic murderous clown with swagger.

At his core, he is a sadistic clown who engages in some pretty dark behavior.

However, beneath the makeup is a man with a heart and a family.

Spaulding’s furious one-liners attract audiences who like their slasher films served with snappy comebacks.

In his own way, he is a lovable character who wins over the audience.

Regarding his performance, movie critic Roger Ebert noted, “He plays such a thoroughly disgusting person, indeed, that I was driven to www.sidhaig.com to discover that in real life Sid looks, well, presentable.”

Unfortunately, Haig’s role as Spaulding was reduced by the time 3 from Hell came out.

Spaulding was dealing with health complications that limited his role.

Spaulding died in 2019.

To learn more, check out our Captain Spaulding quotes below.

Short Captain Spaulding quotes that capture the soul of the killer clown

Spaulding is an eccentric man with eccentric taste.

Crude Captain Spaulding Quotes

Here are some of his memorable lines.

1. “All they want to do is eat and f**k.” — Captain Spaulding

2. “Son, look around. Would I be surprised?” — Captain Spaulding

3. “Two f***ing seconds for the kid, is that gonna kill you?” — Captain Spaulding

4. “G*dd*mn motherf***er got blood all over my best clown suit!” — Captain Spaulding

5. “Hey, didn’t you get enough ass-banging last night? G*dd*mnit, my d**k is still sore.” — Captain Spaulding

The top Captain Spaulding quotes about why you should love clowns

Spaulding often wonders why some people naturally have a bias toward clowns.

6. “Yeah, except you acting like some spastic m*ng*l**d in heat.” — Captain Spaulding

7. “He’s been putting that pencil someplace other than his eyeball.” — Captain Spaulding

8. “Let me ask you something. How come are you asking so many jacka**y questions?” — Captain Spaulding

9. “If you ain’t got a reason why you hate clowns, I’m gonna kill your whole f***ing family.” — Captain Spaulding

10. “Trouble, what kind of trouble you got? Man, you got hot and cold running p***y on tap.” — Captain Spaulding

The best Captain Spaulding quotes about seeing life through his point of view

Take a trip into the mind of a killer clown.

11. “Well, if you give me a chance, I was gonna call you a crazy, pig-f***ing, dumb-a**, p***y piece of s**t!” — Captain Spaulding

12. “Here’s your map, here’s your complimentary chicken, don’t let the door hit you in the a** on the way out.” — Captain Spaulding

13. “You little dickens, you. I know what your problem is. Y’all think us folks from the country’s real funny-like, don’t ya?” — Captain Spaulding

14. “Until today, no trace of Dr. Satan has ever been discovered. But then, who knows? Maybe he lives next door to you.” — Captain Spaulding

15. “Sweet baby Jesus. Whoever’s jerking off on that bell out there better be gone when I come out, or I’m gonna rip your nuts off!” — Captain Spaulding

Famous Captain Spaulding quotes about crime and clowns

Spaulding gets loose with these hilarious quotes.

16. “You best come up with an answer, ‘cause I’m gonna come back here and check on you and your mama.” — Captain Spaulding

17. “All I had to do was point him in a direction, and there he goes, officer Wy-f***ing-dell to the rescue.” — Captain Spaulding

18. “What’s the matter, kid? Don’t you like clowns? Why? Don’t we make you laugh? Aren’t we f***ing funny?” — Captain Spaulding

19. “Yeah, I remember him. Stupid f**k, just like you. Come at me like some kinda matinee f***ing cowboy idol.” — Captain Spaulding

20. “Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages. You are about to enter a world of darkness, a world where life and death are meaningless, and pain is God.” — Captain Spaulding

Captain Spaulding quotes and sayings about proper clown etiquette

Here Captain Spaulding gives us a run down of how to treat a clown.

21. “Don’t you never turn your back on a f***ing clown when he’s talking to you!” — Captain Spaulding

22. “Oh, f**k me side-sally. Who the hell’d want to read about all this horsesh*t anyway?” — Captain Spaulding

23. “Stupid a** kids probably got themselves turned around a** backwards and got theyself lost.” — Captain Spaulding

24. “All right! All right! Don’t get all True Grit on my a**! You can knock yourself silly for all I care.” — Captain Spaulding

25. “Well, I’ll tell you what, Ski King. Why don’t you just take your mama home some chicken, and then I won’t have to stuff my boot all up in your a**.” — Captain Spaulding