107 Dark Humor Quotes To Brighten Up Your Day

These dark humor quotes will have you laughing in no time if you are into that sort of thing.

What makes dark humor so interesting is that it is an acquired taste.

It is not for everyone.

Inconvenient or challenging things happen to all of us.

Comedian Will Rogers noted, “Everything is funny as long as it’s happening to somebody else.”

Tell us your favorite dark humor quote in the comment section below.

What are the benefits of reading these dark humor quotes?

It is human nature to see things this way.

It is awful when you stub your toe at night on the way to the bathroom.

However, someone else stubbing their toe has the potential to become comical, depending on the conditions.

Dark humor is when human beings find sensitive subjects comical or funny.

A few topics that are often the subject of dark humor include:

  • war
  • death
  • disease
  • tragedy
  • the suffering of innocent people

Dark humor makes light of subject matter that is generally considered taboo. This collection of dark humor quotes is guaranteed to either make you laugh or cringe.

Short dark humor joke quotes

1. “Say what you want about the deaf.” — Jimmy Carr

2. “I have a drinking problem. I can’t afford it.” — Anonymous

3. “When in doubt, blow something up.” — J. Michael Straczynski

4. “My friend died doing what he loved… Heroin.” — DeAnne Smith

5. “I’ve been accused of vulgarity. I say that’s bullshit.” — Mel Brooks

6. “Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.” — Unknown

7. “If per capita was a problem, decapita could be arranged.” — Terry Pratchett

8. “You see, insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.” — Joseph Kesselring

9. “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” — Al McGuire

10. “Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” — Oscar Wilde

Dark humor quotes disguised as life advice

11. “Prejudice is a great time-saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.”— E. B. White

12. “We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for, I don’t know.” — W. H. Auden

14. “It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it’s fun and games you can’t see anymore.” — James Hetfield

13. “You have to accept the fact that sometimes you are the pigeon, and sometimes you are the statue.” — Claude Chabrol

15. “When your past shows up to haunt you, make sure it comes after supper, so it doesn’t ruin your whole day.” — Jay Wickre

16. “Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.” — Terry Pratchett

17. “I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.” — Johnny Carson

18. “The general plot of life is sometimes shaped by the different ways genuine intelligence combines with equally genuine ignorance.” — Lucy Grealy

Dark humor quotes and jokes about death and life

19. “Life doesn’t end. You just run out of road.” — Stewart Stafford

20. “Life is like coffee. The darker it gets, the more it energizes.” — Ankita Singhal

21. “The most I can hope for is to die in a pose that confuses future archaeologists.” — Yahtzee Croshaw

22. “He’d interpreted my move as rudeness, but I thought it would’ve been much ruder to stab him.” — Kayla Krantz

23. “I read a report that said 88% of adults trust their doctors – well, 100% of dead people don’t!” — Stewart Stafford

24. “The dumber people think you are, the most surprised they’re going to be when you kill them.” — William Clayton

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25. “Despite my ghoulish reputation, I really have the heart of a small boy. I keep it in a jar on my desk.— Robert Bloch

26. “When I die, I want to die like my grandfather, who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” — Will Rogers

27. “Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.”— Anton Chekhov

28. “In 5-billion years, the Sun will expand & engulf our orbit as the charred ember that was once Earth vaporizes. Have a nice day.” — Neil deGrasse Tyson

Dark humor jokes you will laugh about

29. “When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.” — Saul Bellow

30. “What, after all, is a halo? It’s only one more thing to keep clean.” — Christopher Fry

31. “I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often—but I’m well preserved.” — Rose Kennedy

32. “What Promise of a new day does one have to ignore to laugh so early in the morning?” — Leot Felton

33. “My only choice was between the disastrous and the unpalatable. A very German choice.” — Philip Kerr

34. “I have a wonderful make-up crew. They’re the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.” — Bob Hope

35. “I’m seriously the nicest and meanest person you will ever meet. Now fuck off and have a great day.” — Unknown

36. “I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.” — Hunter S. Thompson

37. “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” — George Burns

38. “There is nothing in the world that I loathe more than group activity, that communal bath where the hairy and slippery mix in a multiplication of mediocrity.” — Vladimir Nabokov

Sad dark humor quotes

39. “Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.” — Will Rogers

40. “It’s so hard being goth. You have to have a bad time everywhere.” — Clint Catalyst

41. “Sometimes I miss the people my characters were before I ruined their lives.” — Victoria Schwab

42. “First, the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.” — Steve Martin

43. “What’s the whole point of being pretty on the outside when you’re so ugly on the inside?” — Jess C. Scott

44. “One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody’s listening.”—Franklin P. Jones

45. “Society is like a stew. If you don’t stir it up every once in a while, then a layer of scum floats to the top.” — Edward Abbey

46. “After one look at this planet, any visitor from outer space would say, ‘I want to see the manager.’” — William S. Burroughs

47. “I did not need an unstable relationship to teach me about the evils of broken promises. I had parents for that.” — Michelle Franklin

Funny Dark Humor Quotes

48. “Man makes plans . . . and God laughs.” ― Michael Chabon

49. “Relationships are ropes. Love is a noose.” ― Brent Weeks

50.  “After all, who wants to die slowly when you can die fast? Me.” ― Holly Black

51. “I wonder if I could eat a child if I had the chance.’ ‘I doubt if I could cook one,’ said Constance.” ― Shirley Jackson

52. “A man’s greatest treasures are his illusions.” ― Brent Weeks

53. “I want to commit suicide but am afraid someone will think I am crazy.” ― Carl White

54. “You may be married to a star, but that doesn’t mean they’ll treat you like one.” ― Jess C. Scott

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55. “Please, please be some sex-starved nutcase who wants to kidnap me and make me your love slave, I begged silently.” ― Cate Tiernan

56. “If you removed all the arteries, veins, & capillaries from a person’s body, and tied them end-to-end…the person will die.” ― Neil deGrasse Tyson

57. “I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can’t even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails.” ― Andrew Lawrence

Dark Humor Quotes That Will Keep You Laughing

58. “I envy people that know love. That have someone who takes them as they are.” — Jess C Scott

59. “People are sheep. TV is the shepherd.” — Jess C. Scott

60. “Nearly all a poor bastard’s desires are punishable by jail.” — Louis-Ferdinand Céline

61. “There is a moment of sheer panic when I realize that Paul’s apartment overlooks the park… and is obviously more expensive than mine.” — Patrick Bateman

62. “He sits next to me, careful to avoid my hair that’s splayed out around my head like blood. A bullet to the forehead, boom, blond waves everywhere.” — Lauren DeStefano

63. “Don’t tell me it’s going to fucking be okay! I am not okay with being that fucker’s pinata!” — Nenia Campbell

64. “When you look for these support groups, they all have vague upbeat names. My Thursday evening group for blood parasites, it’s called Free and Clear.” — Chuck Palahniuk

65. “Well, fame is a drug and when you take it away from an addict, things can get ugly.” — Melissa Jo Peltier

66. “Brower was as courageous a criminal as ever lived to be hanged.” — Ambrose

67. “He was a strange mix of Heinrich Himmler and Barney the Dinosaur.” — Jonas Eriksson

You will also like these Sarah Silverman quotes from the dark-humored comedian.

Dark Humor Quotes To Help You Unwind

68. “I guess all my afternoon beers and burgers were catching up with me, which made me want to scream THEN WHY NOT MY HAIR!?” — Jonas Eriksson

69. “Never a good sign, he thought, when the crows showed up.” — Justin Cronin

70. “The contrast between the friendly greeting and the weapons propped against their shoulders is almost humorous.” — Veronica Roth

71. “When it rains it pours and when it shines you get melanoma.” — Sol Luckman

72. “A new day always forgives you, unless it’s raining and you wake up in jail.” — Bob Thurber

73. “I’m as lucky as a bed of oysters on cioppino night.” — Nenia Campbell

74. “The moral high ground proved to be one hell of an aphrodisiac…”

— Eve A. Floriste

75. “Heart condition? That’s rich. I guess you can call a heart not beating a condition.-PJ”

— Nessie Strange

76. “Francis Ford Coppola – A man climbs a mountain and they call him a hero. I climb mountains that aren’t even there.” — Madeline Moore

77. “The victim lay on his face, as most people did after being stuck with ten swords.” — Maggie Stiefvater

Dark Humor Quotes for the Fearless

78. “You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.” ― Harvey Dent

79. “A good friend will help you plant your tulips. A great friend will help you plant a gun on the unarmed intruder you just shot.” ― Brian P. Cleary

80. “A difference in self loathing? Please. The only difference between a gun and a rope is the time it takes to tie the knot.” ― Justine Larbalestier

81. “Life’s so much simpler when you’re dead!” ― Stewart Stafford

82. “Diabetes is just like a lover, hurting you from the inside.” ― Sherman Alexie

83. “The truth will set you free. But not until it is finished with you.” ― David Foster Wallace

84. “Sometimes, I see a bird fly by, and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel laughing.” ― Demetri Martin

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85. “Whenever I read the term ‘belief system,’ somewhere between my eyes and my brain, it becomes ‘coping mechanism.’” ― Stewart Stafford

86. “Luxury is the ease of a t-shirt in a very expensive dress.” ― Karl Lagerfeld

87. “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” — Elbert Hubbard

Dark Humor Quotes that Push the Boundaries

88. “I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.” — Zsa Zsa Gabor

89. “The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” — Terry Pratchett

90. “The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” ― Bill Watterson

91. “Without a sense of humor, one’s wisdom is but a rumor.” ― Fakeer Ishavardas

92. “My psychiatrist told me I was crazy, and I said I want a second opinion. He said, ‘okay, you’re ugly too.’” ― Rodney Dangerfield

93. “If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” — Abraham Lincoln

94. “If at first, you don’t succeed, blame your parents.” — Marcelene Cox

95. “A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.” — Don Marquis

96. “Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.” — Mark Twain

97. “The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.” — Phyllis Diller

98. “In the end, we all die for what we believe in… mostly because we all die.” ― Elaine Kelly

99. “Try & try until you cannot succeed.” ― Kishan P Rao

100. “Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.” ― Anne Sullivan Macy

101. “A blacksmith can go anywhere. A detective inspector only goes where the dead bodies are.” ― Meljean Brook

102. “When you get to Hell look for me; I’ll be sitting in the hot-tub waiting.” ― Kristen Houghton

103. “When Roy began to pace, smart people hid.” ― Madeline Pryce

104. “If people realized the great pains I go through to impose such delicious torment on him, they would be more punctilious.” ― Andrew Cormier

105. “Are we not all actors playing parts in another person’s play?” ― Shannon L. Alder

106. “Darkness is necessary for evolvement.” ― Lailah Gifty Akita

107. “Knowledge is a rope, and you’re weaving a noose out of it. Leave some slack for the enemy.” ― Nenia Campbell

Are you a fan of dark humor?

One of the well-known masters of dark humor was the late great George Carlin, who made crowds double over in laughter for decades with his dark humor and glass-half-full perceptions.

Dark humor is more than just poking fun at situations or topics that are serious or painful to discuss.

It has to be artfully done to be tasteful.

People often misconstrue dark humor as just being horrible.

It is more than just making an offensive or horrid joke.

Comedians and critics alike are quick to point out the nuances of dark humor, often suggesting that what makes dark humor funny is the twist.

Still, some aim to say over-the-top things under the guise of “Oh, its just dark humor.”

Some argue that if the material is racist, homophobic, sexist, or based on rape culture, it is certainly not dark humor but something else.

If you love dark humor quotes, then you will also like these Better Off Dead quotes from the 1980s dark comedy movie.

Let us know your thoughts in the comment section below.

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1 Comment
  1. Bro Kinbonez

    September 22, 2023 at 9:46 PM

    Dark humor is like food…not everyone gets it

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