50 Toilet Quotes to Enlighten Your Bathroom Breaks

If you do your best thinking while sitting on the throne, we have got some toilet quotes you are going to love! 

Toilets are a commodity that some people take for granted. 

About sixty percent of the world’s population either has no toilet or their toilet does not safely manage waste. 

Let’s learn more about toilets!

What is a toilet?

A toilet is any piece of sanitary hardware that collects human waste. 

Some toilets use water to flush, and some do not. 

Check out these toilet facts below:

• The average person uses a toilet 2,500 times annually. 
• England’s King George II died because he fell into his toilet. 
• The average person spends a cumulative three years sitting on the toilet over a lifetime. 

Who invented the modern toilet?

The question of who invented the modern toilet sometimes has a vague answer. 

It is difficult to pinpoint who made the modern flush toilet. 

Have you ever wondered why some people call the toilet a john?

Well, in 1592, Sir John Harrington invented a water closet with a raised cistern and a small downpipe for waste and water to run through. 

Englishman Alexander Cummings secured the first patent for a flush toilet in 1775. 

Cummings invention was so important because he added the s shape pipe that goes under the toilet. 

The s-shaped pipe allowed for the waste to be removed from the toilet bowl and kept out the foul odors. 

If you have ever wondered why people refer to using the toilet as “taking a crap,” you can thank Thomas Crapper, who is believed to have designed the first flush toilet in the 1860s. 

How are modern toilets different from the original toilets?

Modern toilets have some similar features to toilets from a few hundred years ago but are still very different. 

The modern flush toilet today uses seven gallons of water each time it is flushed. 

Some toilet companies are mindful of water conservation and have designed toilets that use much less water per flush. 

Toilet culture has changed drastically over the years. 

In ancient Rome, toilets were public, and it was common for people to use the toilet while casually conversing with a friend close by. 

Today, the culture of public restrooms is very different. 

Did you know that the first toilet cubicle is always the least used and, by default, is always the cleanest? 

Survey data suggests that only 80% of people wash their hands after using the toilet, and only 30% use soap. 

Sadly, only 5% of people wash their hands for the recommended minimum of fifteen seconds. 

To learn more, check out our toilet quotes below. 

Short toilet quotes about sitting on the throne

These toilet quotes are quick and dirty. Get it? Quick and dirty. 

1. “The Internet is a toilet. It is.” — Lady Gaga 

2. “I like getting toilet paper thrown at me.” — Joel Madden 

3. “The Pacific is the best toilet for satellites.” — Neil deGrasse Tyson 

4. “Yup, the toilet is my best friend before a show.” — Eric Carr 

5. “I’m a little thirsty. Can I go drink out of your toilet?” — Mark McKinney 

6. “I told CBS, ‘My career is going down the toilet, and you’re pulling the chain.’” — Flip Wilson 

7. “You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.” — George Carlin 

8. “I don’t think my daughter wants to see me on the toilet. Lila has seen me nude.” — Kate Moss 

9. “If you’re embarking around the world in a hot-air balloon, don’t forget the toilet paper.” — Richard Branson 

10. “Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet – it was a marriage of convenience! “ — Tommy Cooper 

The funniest toilet quotes to bring a smile to your day

Everyone loves to laugh, and these toilet quotes are aimed at making you giggle. 

11. “Don’t get married in a house where there is no toilet.” — Jairam Ramesh 

12. “Hate American toilets with only toilet paper and no bidets.” — Shenaz Treasury 

13. “Maybe humans are just the pet alligators that God flushed down the toilet.” — Chuck Palahniuk 

14. “From the stage, I’ve seen people of all ages absolutely roaring at really good toilet humor. “ — Adrian Edmondson 

15. “Castro couldn’t even go to the bathroom unless the Soviet Union put the nickel in the toilet.” — Richard M. Nixon 

16. “I remember I would bring home a roll of toilet paper a week because we got paid so little, if at all.” — Christina Tosi 

17. “I walk into rooms, and I don’t know why I’m there. I’m like, ‘Why am I standing in front of the toilet now?’” — Matthew Broderick 

18. “Poop humor is fun. If you do the toilet scenes well and commit to them, they can be really, really powerful.” — Sandra Bullock 

19. “When I was about seven years old, I built a leprechaun trap out of a cardboard box, a biscuit tin, and some toilet paper tubes.” — Alex Hirsch 

20. “When somebody follows you 20 blocks to the pharmacy, where they watch you buy toilet paper, you know your life has changed.” — Jennifer Aniston 

The best toilet quotes to keep clean and tidy

Everyone feels better when the toilet is clean and tidy; these quotes remind us why. 

21. “Endangered forests are being slaughtered for toilet paper.” — Daphne Zuniga 

22. “You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.” — Alan King 

23. “My advice is before a big ride, eat a meal 2 hours or so before, to allow you to digest and process it, and without being crude, try to get to the toilet before.” — Chris Hoy 

24. “When you go to jail, there’s so much simple stuff missing. You just want some good toilet paper or a real toothbrush, a real blanket, and a real bed to lay in.” — Ja Rule 

25. “Even if my job for the day is cleaning the vents or fixing the toilet, it still feels good to be a part of the space program and advancing exploration.” — Peggy Whitson 

26. “I can wash utensils, chop vegetables, and can fold beds. I don’t think I can do anything beyond it. In fact, cleaning toilet pots is my biggest nightmare.” — Jasmin Bhasin 

More Clean and Tidy Toilet Quotes for the Bathroom

Here are a few more opinions and experiences with toilets and bathrooms.

27. “After I left school at 16, I had three jobs: I worked in a ceramics factory, where I made toilet handles, I repaired cars for people, and in the evenings and weekends, I worked in a bar. I had to do them all to make ends meet.” — Phil Taylor 

28. “My parents taught me many of the things that people need in life to feel confident: practical things, such as managing finances, mucking out the goat barn, cleaning a house, doing repairs, mending a broken roof or a toilet.” — Bryce Dallas Howard 

29. “My first exposure to sanitation issues occurred when I got admission into an engineering college. They probably didn’t want to admit me and informed me that there was no ladies’ toilet in the college. I was adamant and pursued my studies in engineering in that very college.” — Sudha Murty 

30. “We had a house in Baga, Goa, that we would visit every Christmas vacation. It was called Love House. The toilet was outside the house. We had no water; someone had to get it from the well. My dad was huge then, but he could walk, go to the local tavern, have a beer and take an auto back.” — Karan Kapoor 

The best toilet quotes about the importance of toilet paper and sitting on the toilet seat

They say you don’t know what you have until it’s gone, and these quotes remind us why toilets are essential. 

31. “For some reason, the only Swedish I know how to say is, ‘There is no toilet paper.’” — Morfydd Clark 

32. “France is a place where the money falls apart in your hands, but you can’t tear the toilet paper.” — Billy Wilder 

33. “You learn a lot about people when you’re sitting on their bathroom floor or on their toilet seat, rifling through their stuff.” — Emily Weiss 

34. “Acting is invigorating. But I don’t analyze it too much. It’s like a dog smelling where it’s going to do its toilet in the morning.” — Liam Neeson 

35. “In my childhood, we had only one toilet. It was my dream then to have a good bathroom where you can have undisturbed bath.” — Tanikella Bharani 

36. “My mum was obsessed with dress. So, in my house, there was always the obsession about aesthetics. She was obsessed with the idea that a beautiful movie is the one where you’re so involved you won’t go to the toilet during it, or you’ll fall asleep with your make-up on after.” — Alessandro Michele 

More of the best toilet quotes about the importance of toilet paper

Here are a few more quotes similar to those above to tide you over.

37. “The first beat that I ever made that I thought was actually worth a damn was called ‘Toilet Paper Nostrils,’ and I made it when I had a cold. I had the worst cold ever. And I had toilet-paper nostrils making music, but it was really reflective of how I felt. It was a really sad trumpet sound.” — Flying Lotus 

38. “When I get a really bad bout of painful bloating and that urgency that I need to go to the toilet, and I’m out on a night out with my friends, there’s been times when I’ve had to leave and go back. Because there’s no way I want to be in that situation where I’m in a club and really unwell.” — Megan McKenna 

39. “Most people in America want an easy read. I call it McFiction – books which pass right through you without you even digesting them. I don’t mean a book that has two-syllable words; I mean chapters you can read in a toilet break. Happy endings. We are more of a TV culture.” — Jodi Picoult

40. “In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, forever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this, I thought I must put a roof on this toilet.” — Les Dawson 

Toilet quotes about why we all need a good flush

Flushing a toilet is pivotal to our health, but it’s also symbolic of getting rid of waste. 

41. “Bangkok is a toilet without a flush.” — Bhumibol Adulyadej 

42. “In politics, you’re like a toilet seat: you’re up one day and down the next.” — Doug Ford 

43. “If you don’t want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.” — Jay Leno 

44. “Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.” — Rita Rudner 

45. “I’m the king of napping. I can nap, and I snore. Then I wake up, go to the toilet, wash my face, have a coffee, and it’s like a brand new day.” — Gino D’Acampo 

46. “It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.” — Rod Serling 

A few more toilet stories and analogies

If you can’t get enough of these bathroom and toilet quotes, here are a few more.

47. “I have no system of writing. It’s chaos. I could be upside down on my bedroom floor; I’ll be scribbling on a pad that I’ll then lose. I’ll be on the toilet with my laptop on, sitting in the pub with my iPad.” — Greg Davies 

48. “No innovation in the past 200 years has done more to save lives and improve health than the sanitation revolution triggered by invention of the toilet. But it did not go far enough. It only reached one-third of the world.” — Sylvia Mathews Burwell 

49. “I used to throw stuff out of the window and trash hotel rooms and superglue all the drawers shut and superglue the toilet seat down and superglue the phone to the nightstand – and all kinds of stuff. I had a chainsaw for a while; I didn’t really use it but once or twice.” — Joe Walsh 

50. “I kind of have a strange addiction to hair dryers. Like on the TV show, where they eat toilet paper or eat the wall or something – I’m addicted to hair dryers. Since I was eight years old, I’ve used them to fall asleep. I love the white noise. I love the heat. It just puts me right to sleep.” — Julia Fox 

Do people in other counties consider American toilet culture strange?

If you are looking up toilet quotes, you may have gone down the toilet and bathroom rabbit hole. 

It turns out we do have some strange quirks regarding the toilet. 

An overwhelming majority of Americans do not prefer to use a toilet directly after someone else. 

About 75% of Americans place toilet paper on holders, so the flap rolls over the top rather than rolling around the back.

Apparently, some believe it is bad luck to hang the toilet paper roll otherwise. 

Studies show that the amount of time spent on the toilet is directly proportional to the number of features the toilet user has on their smartphone. 

Weird right?

While an estimated 2.6 billion people worldwide lack access to a modern toilet, NASA has invested over $20 million in suction-style toilets for the International Space Station. 

What is your favorite thing about toilets?

Be sure to let us know in the comments below.