Breaking up is hard to do, but there are clear signs that a relationship is no longer working.
What is true love, and how do you know when what you have going on isn’t it?
Love is such an intricate and complicated feature of our lives these days.
We devote much time religiously to our love stories.
There just might be a better use of our time than reading all these fairy tales, though!
Forgive me for the harsh words.
However, I receive many emails and messages every day filled with love woes.
A lot of us fall too deeply into not so exceptional relationships—probably because we are a little afraid to be alone with ourselves.
Hence, we end up trying to work it out with the wrong person or the first person who appears seemingly decent.
Falling in love is very easy.
It is the ‘being in love’ part which is more difficult.
And no one should continue to be in love with someone who isn’t right for them and their life path.
I also believe that soulmates are not necessarily those who you get to live with for the rest of your life.
Soulmates are those people who move you to a point of no return, who change you as a person irrevocably by introducing you to your better self.
They probably even love you like no one else will.
But you may not always end up with them.
Sad but true.
Here is the advice I often give to those stuck on the highway of love wondering if it is time to lanes, i.e. when to break up.
It’s time to break up if your goals suffer because of your need to be with each other.
Trust me—the most beautiful relationships are those where the two people involved know how to encourage each other to become better people.
They want to achieve their dreams together.
They have a common goal to pursue something together instead of relentlessly pursuing each other.
If your relationship has become such that you spend all your time with each other, and neglect your goals, or don’t encourage your partner’s growth, it is time to reconsider the relationship.
You may argue that this is a baseless argument.
Let me give you my understanding of this principle.
If you do not get time to focus on your goals—you don’t achieve your goals.
This will eventually cause you frustration that starts showing up in other areas of your life.
Your words, your habits and even your relationship will suffer.
Soon, the blame game begins.
From that point on, there is not much of the journey remaining, anyway.
Why not try to be with someone who makes you a better person?
It is pure bliss.
Anything else will only wear and tear you slowly.
If you are stagnating, it is a sign that you should break up.
Being someone’s secret is a substantial reason to break up
If you have to keep your partner’s secrets from your friends and family—they are probably not the person you should be with.
Unless he or she is a secret service agent—what sort of person does keeping their secrets make you?
Are you sacrificing your key beliefs?
The best of relationships are not built on the foundations of secrecy & deceit.
They have the sturdy walls of trust and confidence.
If the trust and confidence is not there, there is another powerful reason to break up with your partner.
You should break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend if they’re getting abusive…no matter what!
Abuse of any kind (verbal, mental, physical, and sexual) is a giant red flag.
If constant snide remarks in jest hurt your feelings—then they have to stop.
In a relationship, it is important that no matter how much time has gone by—you don’t intentionally hurt one another.
While physical abuse is visible, it still isn’t easy to walk away from.
Most people cannot even recognize mental and emotional abuse, making it even harder to leave.
They keep making excuses for other people.
It is human nature to want to believe that they will change and that everything will be fine.
Let me tell you—doesn’t happen that way.
Those who really, truly love you will never set out to hurt you—no matter how bad they are hurting inside their own trapped minds and bodies.
They will care for you and your feelings and emotions.
And for them—hitting would be just totally out of question.
Those who love you make you a part of their sorrows by sharing it with you, not inflicting it on you.
If abuse is becoming a habit, a frequent situation, and you need to get out but are scared to do so, please reach out for help.
Do you have a trusted friend, therapist, or co-worker you can talk to?
If the abuse has gotten to where you no longer have anyone to count on, please call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline.
Do whatever you can to get yourself out of the abusive relationship.
If you’re being forced to change who you are in the relationship, that’s a sign to break up
Do you not recognize yourself anymore?
Your friends probably don’t recognize you anymore, either.
You may suddenly realize that the people you always loved hanging out with—are no longer around because when you found your “love” you forgot everyone else.
If you feel some sort of emptiness because that mad, passionate love is suddenly not enough, it is time to rethink the relationship.
Break up right then.
Or think about fixing this.
(Though, getting back to disgruntled and betrayed friends is a very tough job, let me tell you).
Have you molded yourself too much into your partner’s whims and fancies?
Do you even do things that interest both of you separately?
Or it is always about him/her and you sometimes feel you nowhere feature in your relationship?
Most people cannot realize why it happens to their relationships, which had such an awesome start.
Relationships, like other phenomenon, have curves—ups and downs, upheavals and happy days.
Like business cycles, there will always be difficulties—true.
But if in the course of those crests and troughs, you lose touch with your own self—it is very difficult to rediscover who are when you have spent years being someone else.
And guess what—had you been in the right relationship—you would have changed only for the good, only bettered your habits and become more exceptional.
You would have still had your friends, your hobbies, your likes and dislikes, your life.
“Should I break up with my partner if our conversations suck?” YES!
Having meaningful conversations is so very important.
How long will you talk about what food you had all day and complain about your colleagues?
Only when you have wonderful conversations with each other will you be able to not only know the other person better but also get a different perspective on life.
I know this couple—they used to ask each other, “What new thing did you learn today”?
And then they talked about it.
How it could affect their lives, how would the other person apply the learning and so on.
And if there was nothing new for the day—they would make it a point to learn something new that day.
How beautiful is that!
You learn and grow together and you also escape the need to make useless conversations that have absolutely no meaning.
Talking crap, making out and then falling asleep daily?
It will get very boring, trust me!
Doesn’t your heart yearn for more from the person you are planning to spend the rest of your life with?
Imagine what would your life be—if after 50 years you still cannot have beautiful conversations with your partner?
Most of your relationship glamor will die down soon.
But, try not to compromise with the content, the weight and the meaning.
Trust me—after a point, frivolousness and vanity will seep in if you do not check on it now.
Make sure you are talking right.
Or, it may be time to walk away already.
Ultimately, only you know when it is time to break up
These are my five most important signals, symptoms, danger marks or whatever you wish to call them.
My own relationships have not always remained perfect.
But I am working on them.
And I am improving too.
Learning from all the observations: my profession helps me a lot in this.
To be honest, what I have written above is not non-erasable ink.
You find out your own loopholes and fix them in your own special way.
The bottom line is—your relationship should make you a) happy, b) progressing and c) still have other people in your life apart from your partner.
Let me know if you agree or disagree in the comment section below.