5 Signs You Should Break Up Even When It’s Hard To Do
Love is such an intricate, complicated, litany feature of our lives these days. We devote much time religiously to our love stories. Even half it would have probably taken us to the moon and back.
Forgive me for the harsh words. But this comes from the numerous emails and messages that I receive everyday – half of which are filled with love woes. A lot of us fall too deeply into not so awesome relationships – probably because we are a little afraid to be with our own real selves and hence we end up trying to work it out with the wrong person / the first person who appears seemingly decent.
Falling in love is very very easy. It is the ‘being in love’ part which is more difficult. And no one should continue to be in love with someone who isn’t right / making them move in the right paths of life. I also believe that soul mates are not necessarily those who you get to live with for the rest of your lives. Soul mates are those people who move you to a point of no return, who change you as a person irrevocably, who introduce you to your better self. They probably even love you like no one else will. But, you may not always end up with them. Sad but true.
My problem is with that youngster who believes that love is the answer to all questions and no matter what, we will work it out. Wish it were all so easy and lovey dovey J … Below is the advice I have often given to those stuck on the highway of love as to when to shift lanes i.e. when to break up, in a nutshell:
It’s time to break up if your goals suffer because of your need to be with each other.
Trust me – Do badan ek jaan is out. Do badan teesri jaan is in. The most beautiful relationships are those where the two people involved know how to encourage each other to become better people. They want to together achieve what they have dreamt about with their open eyes. They have a third common goal to pursue together instead of relentlessly pursuing each other all the while.
If your relationship has become such that you spend maximum time with each other doing nothing else and neither of you tries to make the other person stellar – it is time to maybe reconsider. Many may argue that this is such a baseless argument. Let me give you my understanding of the same.
If you do not get time to focus on your goals, the simplest thing happens – you don’t achieve your goals. And this starts frustrating you. That frustration starts showing on your life, your words, your habits and most importantly, your partner. Soon the blame game begins. And from there onwards, it is not much of a journey remaining anyway.
Why not try to be with someone who makes you a better person? Tried & tested method. It is pure bliss. Anything else will only wear and tear you slowly. If you are stagnating, it is a sign that you should break up.
Being someone’s secret is a great reason to break up
Believe please, that you are more than someone’s dirty little secret. That you deserve better. That everyone deserves better. What’s right need not be hidden from anyone.
And it is not just your relationship. If you have to keep your partner’s secrets from your friends and family – he / she is so not the person you may want to be with. More importantly, unless he / she is a secret service agent – what sort of a person does the exhibition of this behavior make you?
The best of relationships are not built on the foundations of secrecy & deceit. They have the strong walls of trust and confidence. If the trust and confidence is not there, there is another powerful reason to break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend.
You should break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend if they’re getting abusive…no matter what!
Abuse is a strict no! Mental / physical / any other. Even if constant snide remarks in jest hurt your feelings – they have to stop. In a relationship – it is important that no matter how much time has gone by – you don’t hurt each other, in any which way.
While physical abuse is visible & easy to walk away from, most people fail to recognize mental and emotional abuse. They keep believing it is a bad time for the other person and that they will get over it and that everything will be fine.
Let me tell you – doesn’t happen that way. Those who really truly love you will never hurt you – no matter how bad they are hurting inside their own trapped minds and bodies. They will care for you and your feelings and emotions in any case. And for them – hitting would be just totally out of question.
Those who love you, make you a part of their sorrows by sharing it with you, not inflicting it on you. If abuse is becoming a habit, a frequent situation, an encore feat – and you still stick around – your fault! Again, this is a non-negotational sign to break with your girlfriend or boyfriend.
If you’re being forced to change who you in the relationship, that’s a sign to break up
And you probably don’t recognize yourself anymore. At least, your friends don’t. Or, you may suddenly realize that the people you always loved hanging out with – are no more around you because when you found your “love” you forgot everyone else. And now you feel some sort of emptiness because that mad passionate love is suddenly not enough.
Break up right then. Or start thinking about fixing this. (Though, getting back to disgruntled and betrayed friends is a very tough job, let me tell you).
Have you molded yourself too much into your partner’s whims and fancies? Do you even do things that interest both of you separately? Or it is always about him/her and you sometimes feel you nowhere feature in your relationship?
Most people fail to realize why it happens to their relationships which had such an awesome start. Relationships, like other phenomenon, have curves – ups and downs, upheavals and happy days. Like business cycles, there will always be ups and downs – true. But if in the course of those crests and troughs, you lose touch with your own self – you will never be able to get back on your path.
And guess what – had you been in the right kinda relationship – you would have changed only for the good, only bettered your habits and become more awesome. You would have still had your friends, your hobbies, your likes and dislikes, your life.
Do you know the mechanism behind the lock and key? I am sure my vast engineering college pass out junta does. Our love lives are kinda the same. Adjustments and compromises – yes. Drastic changes (unless absolutely needed) – NO. So you ask, “Should I break up?” “Again, YES!”
“Should I break up with my partner if our conversations suck?” “YES!”
Having meaningful conversations is so very important. How long will you talk about what food you had all day and bitch about your colleagues and peeps? Only when you have good conversations with each other, will you be able to not only know the other person better but also get a different perspective on life.
I know this couple – they used to ask each other, “What new thing did you learn today”? And then they talked about it. How it could affect their lives, how would the other person apply the learning and so on. And if there was nothing new for the day – they would make it a point to learn something new that day.
How beautiful is that! You learn and grow together and you also escape the need to make useless conversations that have absolutely no meaning. Talking crap, making out and then falling asleep daily? It will get very boring, trust me! Doesn’t your heart yearn for more from the person you are planning to spend the rest of your life with? Imagine what would your life be – if after 50 years you still cannot have beautiful conversations with your partner?
Most of your relationship glamor will die down soon. But, try not to compromise with the content, the weight and the meaning. Trust me – after a point, frivolousness and vanity will seep in if you do not check on it now.
Once the sex is over – everyone needs more to life. Because it gets boring after a while. What seems exciting now, will soon reach borderline monotony if you do not have newer and better things to live through with the same old boring partner of yours.
Make sure you are talking right. Or, it maybe time to walk away already.
These are my 5 most important signals, symptoms, danger marks or whatever you wish to call them. I would totally understand if you do not agree with this / want to write me an abusive reply for this – but this is what I have experienced over time while being witness to few awesome and so many not so awesome relationships.
My own relationships have not always remained perfect. But I am working on them. And I am improving too. Learning from all the observations: my own profession helps me a lot in this. To be honest, what I have written above is not non-erasable ink. You find out your own loopholes and fix them in your own special way. The bottom line is – your relationship should make you a) happy, b) progressing and c) still have other people in your life apart from your partner.
Do let me know – if you agree / disagree / want to add more to this.