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15 Funny New Year’s Resolution Tweets

Danielle Dahl, Lead Contributor

It’s that time of year again when most of us start taking a long look at the past year, and start asking ourselves some tough questions as we craft New Year’s resolutions. In the social media age, many of these thoughts end up on Twitter and the funny New Year’s tweets are pure gold.

Now, most of us know that the quest for personal development shouldn’t be just something we do at the end of the year, but a lifelong learning journey. However, without fail, many of us will start working on them with the energy you would give a class paper due at midnight.

We’ve got the I’m going to lose weight and work out crowd, and these funny tweets are so on point with the struggle! Then you have the people think resolutions are terrible, and their tweets will have you rolling on the floor.

Some of my favorite funny New Year’s tweets are about parenting though! After you get done reading through these hilarious New Year’s resolution tweets, keep reading for some advice on how to make any change successful this year!

Don’t forget to also check out these funny holiday memes to share this season.

New Year’s Resolution tweets about working out and being healthy

1. I could get behind this person’s goals…

This past year I went to the gym four times, and my New Years resolution is to cut that number in half.— Alex Wyse (@alexwyse)

2. Who doesn’t love a tweet that ends in “Serious suggestions only, please.”

I’m trying to complete my 2018 New Year’s resolution list. To sum it up, I have 25 hours to lose 38 pounds. Serious suggestions only, please.— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz)

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3. Namaste!

My resolution for 2019 is to do so much yoga that my friends start to hate me for it— Megan MacKay (@mmmegan)

New Year’s resolution tweets about how we can’t achieve them

4. Honesty with yourself is important…

My New Year’s resolution is to be more efficient. So I’m giving up on it right now instead of wasting all January acting like I can achieve it.— Ali Spagnola (@alispagnola)

5. The good news is, it is never too late to start a healthy habit and stick to it!

I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions, because you can start a healthy habit and give up three days later ANY time of year.— Ari Scott (@ariscott)

6. Everyone is struggling with their own resolutions…

Telling people your New Years resolution so you’ll “be accountable” is a great way to find out that no one cares about your resolution.— Donna McCoy (@Donna_McCoy)

New Year’s resolution tweets about parenting

7. Simply impossible…

As a parent, my only New Year’s resolution is to give less than 30% of my salary in 2016 to the Disney Corporation.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22)

8. Do any parents stay up past midnight anymore?

New Year’s Eve as a parent is mostly telling our kids to dream big while we lie unshowered and bloated on couches we fall asleep on by 9pm.— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart)

9. This one cracked me up…

New year’s resolution: Be more patient with the kids 10am, January 1st: Listing them on Craigslist for free— Jen Tibbals (@JenTibbals)

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10. Gotta love that confidence…

new year’s resolution is to make a parenting mistake every now and then, so my kids begin to understand that people aren’t perfect— Zach (@floyding)

New Year’s resolution tweets about self-growth

11. They say our goals need to be realistic…

My New Year’s resolution is to be less of an outright bitch and more of a secret bitch.— Martha Kelly (@MarthaKelly3)

12. My nonsense is eco-friendly and sustainable… I am dead!

my resolution for 2019 is to refer to myself less often as “trash” and more often as “recycling” because at least my nonsense is eco-friendly and sustainable— emma lord 🎄 (@dilemmalord)

13. I gave up on this one a long time ago…

My New Years resolution is to try and put less than 4 chapsticks through the washer & dryer next year.— Shawn Booth (@Shawn_Booth)

14. This one is actually very important!

my new year’s resolution is to have healthier thought patterns bc as of right now someone can text me “ok” instead of “ok!” & i’ll be in my head assuming they hate me and are praying for my untimely demise— ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt)

15. This sounds like something I can get behind… patience is not my strong suit!

My New Year’s resolution is to be more patient. I hope I accomplish this as fast as possible!— Allison Raskin (@AllisonRaskin)

All kidding aside

Hopefully, you had a good laugh at the funny New Year’s resolutions. However, in all seriousness, self-growth and being a better person and parent are all noble endeavors that should get our attention.

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So, is there a better way? The problem with most resolutions is they are big and often vague.

Let’s take the “I want to lose 100 pounds this year.” Your brain hears this and panics.

Negative thoughts like it will take forever to lose the weight, or it will be too hard to do start making their way into your mind.

Try this instead. Set that as your goal, but start much smaller and work on consistency.

For the first week of January, eat like you normally do, but commit to tracking everything in a fitness app. In the second week, continue with the tracking, but cut down the number of carbs you ate in the first week by 10 grams.

This will help you make small healthier choices, and it sounds easy enough. The next week, cut them by 10 more grams until you get to what you think the goal should be for your weight loss.

The week after, increase your water intake by 8 ounces. Breaking your goal (whatever it is) down into smaller, more manageable.

pieces will help you build momentum and stick with it. You can join the gym in February when you are feeling good from losing a few pounds and have implemented small changes.

You can do something like this for whatever your goal is. There will be setbacks, but just know with consistency, planning, and perseverance you can actually make your resolutions stick!

Good luck, and may you have the best year yet!

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