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Funny Catastrophe Quotes from the TV Series

The Catastrophe quotes below will help you relive the show and have a good laugh.

Catastrophe is a TV sitcom that aired in 2015 starring Sharon Horgan and Rob Delaney. The story is about two single people who become an unlikely couple after she unexpectedly becomes pregnant following a series of intimate flings while he is in London.

The series became an instant hit back then and masterfully captured the viewers’ hearts due to its genuine comedy that built on real-life scenarios and stereotypes.

In an age of divorce, separation and commitment issues, this film tackled how you can find love and happiness even in unfavored circumstances.

Funny Catastrophe Quotes from the TV Series

These Catastrophe quotes will keep you entertained, and make you want to rewatch the series.

Don’t forget to also check out our collection of The Flight Attendant quotes for fans of the HBO series.

Catastrophe quotes from Rob

1. “Your boobs look extra big in that dress. If you had those when we met, I would’ve gotten you double pregnant.” — Rob

2. “I quit a few years ago, after I s*** my pants at my sister’s wedding.” — Rob

3. “I wanted to propose to your properly at the restaurant with a view, a 360-degree view, and then here by the river. Then you knocked the ring in the road like an animal and then this woman pissed on it.” — Rob

4. “When you go to work, and you prod some little snot-faced kid into using his imagination instead of meth, that’s massive.” — Rob

5. “I want you to know that I’m going to look back at my time with you and remember you as an extraordinarily good-smelling woman with a magical ass.” — Rob

6. “Even if I wanted to kill you, I wouldn’t kill you. Or have you killed.” — Rob

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7. “Let’s go to dinner Friday night. We can go to a nice restaurant, and then go have sex in a park. Does that sound nice?” — Rob

8. “You let me put my penis in your mouth but you won’t let me put my t-shirts in your drawer?” — Rob

9. “Kids scream all the time. And then they’re happy the rest of the time. And adults, we just try to keep everything stuffed in a box that explodes every once in a while and hurts people.” — Rob

10. “You know, there’s no playbook on how to grieve.” — Rob

11. “You exude black squid ink. ” — Rob

12. “You don’t have a monopoly on pain. Look around.” — Rob

13. “I very fancy you.” — Rob

14. “If you think I’m going to put time, money and effort into maybe getting into some woman’s pants, you’re crazy.” — Rob

15. “If I ever do cheat on you, it’s going to be a cash transaction with a guaranteed ejaculation, after which she immediately leaves so I can ponder suicide because of how guilty I feel.” — Rob

16. “Why haven’t I cheated on you? Because… Loads of reasons. I mean, the biggest is you have been pregnant so much, so, not fucking some prostitute is the least I can do when you have been carting around our babies in your body.” — Rob

17. “So I just write a check every month and leave it at that? Fuck that. I didn’t know my father and it sucked. This kid gets a dad.” — Rob

Catastrophe quotes from Sharon

18. “I might like someone to shovel a path for me and my baby in the nuclear winter.” — Sharon

19. “I wouldn’t want to have sex with me. I’m just a cow in a dressing gown.” — Sharon

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20. “God is like the best friend of a lazy parent. ‘Why is the sun yellow?’ ‘God’s favourite colour is yellow.’” — Sharon

21. “I’ll remember you as the sturdy love-maker with a massive chin who was really kind to waiters and taxi drivers, which suggests that you might actually be a good person.” — Sharon

22. “I was really touched seeing you go apeshit at someone for me.” — Sharon

23. “Oh God, I want to smoke a cigarette. Will you get one and just smoke it and blow it on me?” — Sharon

24. “Push it back in and cut it out!” — Sharon

25. “Just imagine a nice enough guy taking a shit and reading about Hitler and that’s my husband.” — Sharon

26. “If a normal courtship is a dance, then ours is like a heart attack or seizure or something.” — Sharon

27. “She’s one of these people where, like, everything has gone her way. You know, and she thinks she did it. But, it was luck. You know I just wish one bad thing would happen to her. Like I don’t want her to get hit by a bus or anything. But you know, maybe she got arrested for tax fraud or if her dad got caught with child porn or something, you know just to knock the smug out of her.” — Sharon

28. “Answer my cry for help.” — Sharon

29. “You wish you were a fugitive. You were arrested so you’re a criminal. Criminal in a neck brace. What a fucking catch.” — Sharon

Catastrophe quotes from memorable conversations within the show

30. Rob: “My mom sent me an article about a study on arranged marriages versus love marriages, and they found that fewer arranged marriages end in divorce than real ones.”

Sharon: “Is that because they end in suicide?”

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31. “Can you for a second accept that I like you and want to be with you, you f***ing idiot?” — Rob

32. Rob: “Is your email address still impatientshithead@mean.jerk?”

Sharon: “Is yours still fatidiot@dbattagliadbreath.c**t?”

33. Sharon: “Let’s make our new anniversary the date we first met.”

Rob: “Okay. Let’s do that.”

Sharon: “Which was…?”

Rob: “You look so beautiful in the moonlight.”

Sharon: “It’s the f***ing 5th of March, arsehole.”

34. Rob: “If I thrust too deeply, will my penis latch onto the IUD coil thingy and pull it out?”

Sharon: “Yeah. No, it’s fine. They put it more than two and a half inches inside me.”

Rob: “Why are we watching this?”

Sharon: “Because Mad Men’s finished and Game of Thrones isn’t back on yet and there’s nothing else.”

Rob: “Well, let’s watch that then. Let’s watch ‘nothing else’.”

Catastrophe quotes from other characters

35. “I saw my son coming out and it was a f***ing war zone. You see a little troll tobogganing out of your wife’s snatch on a wave of turds.” — Chris

36. “Your situation sounds fucking awful, I’d love to hear more about it.” — Dave

The show’s cast and behind-the-scenes production have been nominated and won various awards due to the uniqueness and over-the-top comedy the show brings to the TV screen. In addition, the story was able to give life and comedy to critical topics of sex, love, and commitment.

If you want to laugh and feel love at the same time, you better watch or even rewatch this series now. The story was never short of comedy, and there are no dull moments watching this show.

Share these Catastrophe quotes and sayings with a friend or a loved one and let them experience the fun and grin you had

Stephanie Kirby
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