182 Funny Sarcastic Quotes About Life, Work & Friends

These funny sarcastic quotes should help you spend a few minutes laughing out loud.

There’s no denying that laughter is the best medicine.

What’s better than a big beautiful smile?

Life can be downright stressful.

There are relationships to maintain, bills to pay, a job that demands your attention, and other crises both big and small that can pop up at any time.

It’s easy to get burnt out after you’ve had a day full of drama.

While sarcasm humor tends to have a slightly meaner tone to it, it can be just the thing you need when you’ve spent the whole day biting your tongue and keeping yourself in check.

Feel free to indulge as you let yourself relax.

Below is our collection of funny inspirational quotes and sayings that will lighten your day.

If you enjoy this article, check out our most popular quote article, a list of short inspirational quotes for daily motivation. 

Funny sarcastic quotes about relationships

1. “I am not young enough to know everything.” – Oscar Wilde

Funny Sarcastic Quotes About Being Young

2. “If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.” – Billy Wilder

Funny Sarcastic Quotes About Telling The Truth

3. “An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.” – Robert Oppenheimer

Funny Sarcastic Quotes About Optimism

4. “I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.” — Sir Winston Churchill

Funny Sarcastic Quotes About Being Drunk

5. “Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.” — Joey Adams

Funny Sarcastic Quotes About Marriage

6. “The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.” — Erma Bombeck

Funny Sarcastic Quotes About Having One Child

7. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – A. A. Milne

Funny Sarcastic Quotes About Being Lazy

8. “There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -​ Kin Hubbard

Funny Sarcastic Quotes About Success

9. “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” – Oscar Wilde

Funny Sarcastic Quotes About Being Clever

10. “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” — George Burns

Funny Sarcastic Quotes About Happiness

Funny sarcastic quotes for a rough day

11. “Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.” –John Wayne

Funny Sarcastic Quotes About Being Stupid

You will also enjoy our article on imperfection quotes.

12. “If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.” -Alice Roosevelt Longworth

Funny Sarcastic Quotes About Being Negative

You will also enjoy our article on Rodney Dangerfield quotes.

13. “Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.” -Samuel Butler

Funny Sarcastic Quotes About Parents

14. “I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.” –Groucho Marx

Funny Sarcastic Quotes About Pleasant Evenings

15. “Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.” –Margaret Mead

Funny Sarcastic Quotes About Being Unique

16. “All generalizations are false, including this one.” -Mark Twain

Funny Sarcastic Quotes About Generalizations

17. “Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?” -James Thurber

Funny Sarcastic Quotes About Calling Wrong Number

18. “I believe in rules. Sure, I do. If there weren’t any rules, how could you break them?” -Leo Durocher

Funny Sarcastic Quotes About Rules

19. “Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.” -Anthony Burgess

Funny Sarcastic Quotes About Laughing

20. “You can always tell when a man is well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.” -H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Funny Sarcastic Quotes About Information

Funny sarcastic quotes to give you a giggle

21. “If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.” -Groucho Marx

Funny Sarcastic Quotes About Insults

22. “The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.” -Lily Tomlin

Funny Sarcastic Quotes About Rats

23. “There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.” -James Holt McGavran

Funny Sarcastic Quotes About Marriage

24. “Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas.” -Johnny Carson

Funny Sarcastic Quotes About Christmas

25. “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” -Albert Einstein

Funny Sarcastic Quotes About Human Stupidity

26. “If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.” -Lawrence Ferlinghetti

27. “I find television very educational. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” -Groucho Marx

28. “If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” -Steven Wright

29. “We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” -Henny Youngman

30. “A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.” -Joey Adams

Short Funny Sarcastic Quotes That Will Make Your Day

31. “Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.” — Ashleigh Brilliant

32. “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” — Robin Williams

33. “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” — Groucho Marx

34.“When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.” — Sacha Guitry

35. “Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.” — P. J. O’Rourke

36. “Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.” — Groucho Marx

37. “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late.” — Max Kauffmann

38. “I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.” — Patrick Murray

39. “Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!” — Robin Williams

40. “Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.” — Drew Carey

Don’t forget to also check out these purple quotes from inspiration to fashion.

Funny Sarcastic Quotes That Will Crack Your Ribs

41. “Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?” — Groucho Marx

42. “The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby.” — Natalie Wood

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45. “Children are a great comfort in your old age-and they help you reach it faster, too.” — Lionel Kauffman

46. “Honesty may be the best policy, but insanity is the best defense.” -Unknown

47. “Having children is like living in a frat house—nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.” — Ray Romano

48. “The great gift of family life is to be intimately acquainted with people you might never even introduce yourself to, had life not done it for you.” — Kendall Hailey.

49. To maintain a joyful family requires each member of the family to become, in a special way, the servant of the others.” — Pope John Paul II

50. “An apple a day keeps anything away if you throw it hard enough.” -Unknown

Funny sarcastic quotes aboutsarcasm

51. “Sarcasm helps me overcome the harshness of the reality we live, eases the pain of scars and makes people smile.” – Mahmoud Darwish

52. “Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit! Yet it remains the funniest.” – Oscar Wilde

53. “Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy.” – Cynthia Nelms

54. “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde

55. “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” – Abraham Lincoln

56. “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” – Fred Allen

57. “The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.” – Oscar Wilde

58. “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” – George Bernard Shaw

59. Don’t be humble… you’re not that great.” – Golda Meir

60. Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.” – Napoleon Bonaparte

61. “Sarcasm is the protest of the weak.” – John Knowles

62. “He has no enemies, but he is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde

63. “A sarcastic person has a superiority complex that can be cured only by the honesty of humility.” – Lawrence G. Lovasik

Funny sarcastic quotes about life

64. “What we feel and think and are is to a great extent determined by the state of our ductless glands and viscera.” – Aldous Huxley

65. “At every party, there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” – Ann Landers

66. “Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!” — Billy Connolly

67. “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.”  – Steven Wright

68. “Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them.” – Walter Kerr

69. “When something goes wrong in your life, just yell “Plot Twist” and move on.” – Unknown

70. “Come here you big, beautiful cup of coffee and lie to me about how much we’re going to get done today.” – Unknown

71. “I hate it when I think I’m buying organic vegetables but when I get home, I discover they’re just regular donuts.” – Unknown

72. “If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”- Unknown

73. “If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Once you’re married you can’t even change the TV Channel.” – Unknown

74. “When one door closes, another opens. Or you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work.” – Unknown

75. “I don’t usually tell people to go to hell, but when I do I’m happy to give directions.” ― Ant Richards

76. “True bonding is when you and your friends are all angry about the same thing.” – Unknown

77. “They say each day is a gift! Well, I want to know where customer service is so I can return this one!!”  – Unknown

78. “It’s amazing how you can have to worst day ever, but still laugh at yourself when you push a door that says pull. – Unknown

79. “Need money for college. Need college for a job. Need a job for money. Who was the mastermind behind this system?” – Unknown

80. “My attitude in exams. They give me questions I don’t know. I give them answers they don’t know.” – Unknown

Also check out these famous witty quotes that will give you a motivational push as well as a bit of humor. 

Funny sarcastic quotes for when people are stressing you out

81. “I’m sorry. I was listening until, out of nowhere, I became distracted by this loud, obnoxious noise that turned out to be your voice.” – Unknown

82. “Don’t you hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious?” – Unknown

83. “I always say “Morning” Instead of “Good Morning” Because if it was a good morning, I would still be in bed and not talking to people.” – Unknown

84. “You know what I like about people? Their dogs.” – Unknown

85. “I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.” – Unknown

86. “Repeating quotes from funny movies doesn’t make you funny.” -Unknown

87. “Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.” -Unknown

88. “Just keep talking, I yawn when I’m interested.” – Unknown

89. “I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.” – Unknown

If you’re enjoying these quotes, make sure to read our collection of Steven Wright quotes to make you laugh.

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Funny sarcastic quotes about work

90. “I send pointless emails late at night to impress coworkers.” – Unknown

91. “Please submit your ideas to me today so I can submit them as my own tomorrow.” – Unknown

92. “There’s no better vacation than my boss being on vacation.” – Unknown

93. “Sometimes I have my headphones in at work with nothing playing so I don’t have to interact with chatty co-workers.” – Unknown

94. “I always tell new hires, ‘Don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you.’” – Unknown

95. “You never realize how truly sarcastic you are until you have a mini-me who acts the same way.” – Unknown

96. “My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.” – Unknown

97. “Thanks for calling me to tell me that you just sent me an email.” -Unknown

98. “I don’t always tolerate stupid people. But when I do, I’m probably at work.” – Unknown

99. “Here’s to another day of outward smiles and inward screams.” -Unknown

100. “I haven’t even gone to bed yet and I already can’t wait to come home from work tomorrow.” – Unknown

101. “Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.” – Unknown

102. “Don’t mistake my efficiency as meaning I want to do your job, too.” -Unknown

Funny Sarcastic Quotes To Share With Your Peers

103. “There are only two things a child will share willingly—communicable diseases and his mother’s age.” — Benjamin Spock

104 “Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.” — Michael Levine

105. “Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.” — Rodney Dangerfield

106. “Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.” — William James

107. “I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.” — Erma Bombeck

108. “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.” — W. C. Fields

109. “Zombies eat brains, you are safe.” — John Stewart

110. “Some are born mad, some achieve madness, and some have madness thrust upon ’em.” — Emilie Autumn

111. “If you must make a noise, make it quietly.” — Oliver Hardy

112. “A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.” — Winston Churchill.

Funny Sarcastic Quotes To Make You Giggle All Day 

113. “It’s always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black.” ― Paul Newman

114. “He hasn’t an enemy in the world – but all his friends hate him.” ― Eddie Cantor

115. “I don’t want to be with someone boring because I’m always laughing. I   to play jokes on people and be sarcastic.” ― Ashley Benson

116. “The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind.” ― Joseph Stilwell

117. “Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we personally dislike.” ― Oscar Wilde

118. “What’s on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.” ― Fred Allen

119. “History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.” ― Abba Eban

120. Where others have hearts, he carries a tumor of rotten principles.” ― Jack London

121. “In her single person she managed to produce the effect of a majority.” ― Ellen Glasgow

122. “People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people have been left out of the pleasure.” ― Russell Baker

Funny Sacarstic Quotes To Bring Out A Genuine Laugh

123. “I believe that all women are pretty without makeup- but with the right makeup can be pretty powerful.” ― Bobbi Brown

124. “Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it… Get plenty of sleep.” ― W. C. Fields

125. “You’re not famous until my mother has heard of you.” ― Jay Leno

126. “One should die proudly when it is no longer possible to live proudly.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

127. “Be careful what you wish for, you may receive it.” ― W. W. Jacobs

128. “The interesting thing about coaching is that you have to trouble the comfortable, and comfort the troubled.” ― Ric Charlesworth

129. “A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.” ― Hector Hugh Munro

130. “Please don’t retouch my wrinkles. It took me so long to earn them.” ― Anna Magnani

131. “I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” ― Groucho Marx

132. “Any fool can write code that a computer can understand. Good programmers write code that humans can understand.” ― Martin Fowler

Funny Sarcastic Quotes For Friends

133. “I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.” — Mitch Hedberg

134. “My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.” — Rose

135. “Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.” — David Letterman

136. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” — Jack Handey

137. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.” — Mark Twain

138. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell

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139. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner

140. “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.” — Erma Bombeck

141. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” — Phyllis Diller

142. “Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.” — Ellen DeGeneres

Funny Sarcastic Quotes About Love and Relationships

143. “Love is sharing your popcorn.” —  Charles Schultz.

144. “Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one.” — Fran Lebowitz.

145. “Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.” — George Burns.

146. “Love is a two-way street constantly under construction.” — Carroll Bryant.

147. “What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.” — Cindy Garner

148. When you are missing someone, time seems to move slower, and when I’m falling in love with someone, time seems to be moving faster.” —  Taylor Swift.

149. “A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished.” — Zsa Zsa Gabor

150. “Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses.” — Thomas Dewar

151. Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, only with what you are expecting to give – which is everything,” —​ Katharine Hepburn.

152. “Love is a mutual self-giving which ends in self-recovery.” — Fulton J. Sheen

Funny Sarcastic Quotes To Bring Humor To Your Day

153. “A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.” — Ogden Nash

154. “If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.” — George Bernard Shaw

155. “As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” — Buddy Hackett

156. “The road to success is always under construction.” — Lily Tomlin

157. “The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” — Bill Watterson

158. “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.” — Charles M. Schulz

159. “To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone.” — Reba McEntire

160. “A person with a sharp tongue will eventually cut themselves.” — J. Robson Koenig

161. “Try to be a rainbow in someone’s cloud.” — Maya Angelou

162. “Nothing in the world is ever completely wrong. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.” — Paulo Coehlo

Funny Sarcastic Quotes That Will Make Everybody Laugh

163. “When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.” — Franklin Roosevelt

164. “Love is being stupid together.” — Paul Valery

165. “The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.” — Franklin P. Jones

166. “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” — Steven Wright

167. “Life is like a ten-speed bike. Most of us have gears we never use.” — Charles M. Schulz

168. “The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.” — Dolly Parton

169. “You’re only as good as your last haircut.” — Fran Lebowitz

170. “When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” — Cathy Guisewite

171. “I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.” — Benjamin Franklin

172. “Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.” — Stephen Colbert

173. “I’d tell you nice try, but… it wasn’t.” ― Cynder

174. “You’re a big, lovable teddy bear.” ― Michael Grant

175. “You have delighted us long enough.” ― Jane Austen

176. “It is not necesssary to understand things in order to argue about them.” ― Caron De Beaumarchais

177. “I wish I could say I’m low maintenance, but I like some of the finer things in life…like a toothbrush.” ― M.A. George

178. “You’re starting to sound like one of those songs that DJ’s play when they wanna clear out the dancefloor.” ― Alex Bergauer

179. “It’s a sad state of affairs when I’m the one bringing sanity to the equation” ― M.A. George

180. “The cleanest civilization I’ve ever seen…and the number one thing you pack for a wedding is a jar of dirt?” ― M.A. George

181. “Trying to make her angry is like trying to find a corner on a bowling ball.” ― Craig McLay

Did you enjoy these sarcastic quotes?

You need to laugh in life.

It helps to reduce stress and fight things like anxiety and depression by keeping your mood light.

Everyone has those rough days when maybe your temper gets the best of you or people are pushing your buttons.

These are the days when you need to laugh the most.

Your natural inclination might be to hold in your negative or difficult emotions or lash out at others.

But those responses are not good for you (or others).

Sometimes enjoying the right sarcastic joke can help you take a more positive attitude through the trying times in life.

Did you enjoy these sarcastic quotes?

Which of the quotes made your day?

Let us know in the comment section below.

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  1. Sheri

    October 23, 2019 at 10:00 PM

    OMG! Loved these. I’m saving them to read on “those” days when I’d rather strangle someone than talk to them! Thank you.

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