40 John Mulaney Quotes Because Laughter is the Best Medicine

By Stephanie Kirby | Published February 10, 2020

If life has felt too serious lately, enjoy these John Mulaney quotes and have a little fun.

John Mullaney is a stand-up comedian, writer, producer, and actor.

He tends to be best known as being a writer for Saturday Night Live.

His stand-up bits are funny and relatable as he discusses stories and experiences from his own life.

And while his comedy is hilarious, he also has some quotes that you can use as motivation in your own life.

So, whether you need a little encouragement or just want to forget the problems of the day and have a little laugh, these John Mulaney quotes are for you.

John Mulaney quotes about life

1. “I’m a very lucky person. I’m an idiot, and I’ve shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don’t feel like I deserve good treatment.” – John Mulaney

2. “You can do good work simply staying up all night and eating nothing but junk food, but probably not in the long term.” – John Mulaney

3. “I like when things are crazy. Something good comes out of exhaustion.” – John Mulaney

4. “I am very small and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.” – John Mulaney

5. “I’ll keep all my emotions right here. And then one day I’ll die.” – John Mulaney

6. “13-year-olds are the meanest people in the world. They terrify me to this day because 8th graders will make fun of you but in an accurate way. They will get to the thing that you don’t like about you. They don’t even have to look at you long.” – John Mulaney

7. “You start doing something and you want it to be perfect right away, but most babies are born ugly and then they shake it out and you get beautiful toddlers.” – John Mulaney

Motivational John Mulaney quotes

8. “You can’t always see both sides of the story. Eventually, you have to pick a side and stick with it. No more equivocating. You have to commit.” – John Mulaney

9. “The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.” – John Mulaney

10. “I don’t make plans anymore. So I’m not living minute to minute.” – John Mulaney

Funny John Mulaney quotes from his life

11. “I’ll book a ticket on some garbage airline. I don’t wanna name an actual airline so let’s make one up, let’s just call it like Delta Airlines.” – John Mulaney

12. “For those of you who don’t know what it is, blackout drinking is when your brain goes to sleep, but your body gets all ‘Eye of the Tiger’ and soldiers on.” – John Mulaney

13. “And then he ordered one black coffee for himself and kept driving.” – John Mulaney

14. “All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don’t understand it.” – John Mulaney

15. “I played basketball for five years and I was a benchwarmer all five years. If you were never a benchwarmer, I cannot express to you the humiliation of every Saturday morning, putting on a pair of breakaway pants and never having a reason to break them away — then they’re just pants.” – John Mulaney

16. “I’m like an iPhone, it’s going to be worse versions of this every year, plus I get super hot in the middle of the afternoon for no reason.” – John Mulaney

17. “College was like a four-year game show called “Do My Friends Hate Me or Do I Just Need To Go To Sleep?” – John Mulaney

18. “I quit drinking because I used to drink too much, then I would black out and I would ruin parties.” – John Mulaney

19. “Late at night, on the street, women will see me as a threat. That is funny, yeah! It’s kind of flattering in its own way, but at the same time, it’s weird because, like, I’m still afraid of being kidnapped.” – John Mulaney

20. “I look back on being 17 and think, “Oh my God, how did I not die?” – John Mulaney

21. “My vibe is like, hey you could probably pour soup in my lap and I’ll apologize to you.” – John Mulaney

John Mulaney quotes about his career

22. “Going on the road for long stretches can seem daunting, and I certainly miss being home sometimes, but the chance to see so many different cities, let alone perform in them, is something I am really grateful for.” – John Mulaney

23. “I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun or, too. I’ve always enjoyed it. There’s just something really, really funny about someone tearing into me.” – John Mulaney

24. “Stand-up for me is just my opinions on things, so it wouldn’t be as fun translated into a sketch. Nor would a sketch be as fun if it were me standing there saying it.” – John Mulaney

Hilarious John Mulaney quotes

25. “Irish people don’t want comfort. Look at a sweater made in Ireland. It’s like a turtleneck made out of Brillo pads.” – John Mulaney

26. “It’s 100% easier not to do things than to do them.” – John Mulaney

27. “Just because you’re accurate doesn’t mean you’re interesting.” – John Mulaney

28. “Girl Scout cookies are delicious! They come in Thin Mint and Samoa and also other flavors. How come I have to know a child in a beret to order them? Just sell me the cookies. I have American money. Just put them in a store and I’ll buy them.” – John Mulaney

29. “According to the Girl Scouts website you cannot buy Girl Scout cookies online. Do you know what you can buy online? Everything.” – John Mulaney

30. “‘Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?’’ You’re not allowed to milk a cow that you don’t own. That’s not even a situation. Was that a problem at one point?” – John Mulaney

31. “You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.” – John Mulaney

32. “Email viruses bring people together in amazing ways.” – John Mulaney

33. “I had a producer tell me I couldn’t use the word midget because it was ‘worse than the n-word’… First off… No, it’s not. If you’re comparing the badness of two words and you won’t even say one of them, that’s the worse word.” – John Mulaney

Other funny John Mulaney quotes

34. “I was once on the telephone with Blockbuster Video, which is a very old-fashioned sentence.” – John Mulaney

35. “Do you want a salad or fries? That’s like asking, ‘Do you want to go for a jog or freebase cocaine?'” – John Mulaney

36. “You should be able to say I don’t know. That should be an acceptable answer on a test.” – John Mulaney

37. “I always thought that quicksand was gonna be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be. You watch cartoons and quicksand is like the third biggest thing you have to worry about, behind the actual sticks of dynamite and giant anvils falling on you from the sky.” – John Mulaney

38. “Here’s how easy it was to get away with bank robbery back in the ’30s — as long as you weren’t still there when the police arrived, you had a 99% chance of getting away with it.” – John Mulaney

39. “I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting.” – John Mulaney

40. “I don’t look like someone who used to do anything. I look like I was just sitting in a room with a chair eating saltines for 28 years and then walked right out here.” – John Mulaney

Remember laughter is the best medicine

Life gets busy and it’s easy to get so caught up in the busyness and problems of the day to forget to take time to enjoy.

But taking time to laugh and have fun is important for our mental health and physical health.

So, next time you feel overwhelmed by your day and the things on your to-do list, take some time to read through these John Mulaney quotes or watch a video of one of his bits.

Spend some time laughing.

And the next time you see someone else that looks stressed out and looks like they could use a laugh, make sure you help them out.