25 Mitch Hedberg Quotes to Make You Laugh

Mitch Hedberg quotes from a comedian who was taken too early.

Mitch Hedberg was an American stand-up comedian who was well known for his one-liners and his dry humor.

Mitch was born in St. Paul, Minnesota in 1968 and unfortunately was taken from this world too early at the age of 37 when he passed away from a drug overdose.

Although Mitch may not have been as well known as some other stand-up comedians, he was very successful and had a cult following of fans who would often shout out his lines before he could even perform them.

Don’t forget to also check out these Louis C.K. quotes about life and comedy.

Check out our most popular quote article, a list of short inspirational quotes for daily inspiration.

If you enjoy this collection, check out our inspirational quotes category page.

Best Mitch Hedberg quotes

1. “A severed foot is the perfect stocking stuffer.” ― Mitch Hedberg

2. “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.” ― Mitch Hedberg

3. “Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!” ― Mitch Hedberg

4. “My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” ― Mitch Hedberg

5. “Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having.” ― Mitch Hedberg

6. “The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.” ― Mitch Hedberg

7. “I didn’t go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant, because the customer is always right.” ― Mitch Hedberg

Related  110 Trust No One Quotes About Forming Your Own Opinion

8. “If you find yourself lost in the woods, f*ck it, build a house. “Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!”” ― Mitch Hedberg

9. “I like to close my eyes on the stage because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.” ― Mitch Hedberg

10. “I write jokes for a living, I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that’s funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny.” ― Mitch Hedberg

Funny Mitch Hedberg quotes

11. “Dogs are forever in the push-up position.” ― Mitch Hedberg

12. “I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.” ― Mitch Hedberg

13. “It’s weird… people say they’re not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?” ― Mitch Hedberg

14. “I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.” ― Mitch Hedberg

15. “I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.” ― Mitch Hedberg

16. “Every time I go and shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, ‘I’m gonna go shave, too.’” ― Mitch Hedberg

17. “I was gonna stay overnight at my friend’s house, he said “You’re going to have to sleep on the floor. Damn gravity. Got me again!”” ― Mitch Hedberg

Related  25 Filthy Frank Quotes to Lighten up your Mood

18. “Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain’t funny!” ― Mitch Hedberg

19. “People teach their dogs to sit, it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.” ― Mitch Hedberg

20. “Last week I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier’n helpin’ ‘em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.” ― Mitch Hedberg

21. “You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.” ― Mitch Hedberg

22. “My roommate said to me, ‘I’m gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?’ It’s like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.” ― Mitch Hedberg

23. “I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said, “Sorry, we’re closed.” You don’t have to be sorry. It’s 3 a.m., and you’re a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open.” ― Mitch Hedberg

24. “On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana, it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’” ― Mitch Hedberg

Related  25 Everything Everywhere All at Once Quotes From the Comedy Drama Movie

25. “I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There‘s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself.” ― Mitch Hedberg

Which of these Mitch Hedberg quotes is your favorite?

As you can see, Mitch Hedberg was a very funny comedian known for his surreal humor and his ability to deliver lines just perfectly.

He started in stand-up comedy as a young guy and it is unfortunate that we didn’t get to see Mitch for many more years.

Mitch was born in Minnesota, started his comedy career in Florida, and then moved to Seattle.

He was a rising star with many other comedians as his fans.

He had even signed a sitcom deal and had been on The David Letterman Show multiple times.

Unfortunately, Mitch was a longtime drug user that thought he had his usage under control, but ultimately the drugs are what took him from this world.

Did you enjoy these Mitch Hedberg quotes and sayings?

Which of the quotes is your favorite?

Let us know in the comment section below.

You will enjoy these joker quotes that force us to confront uncomfortable truths.

Click to view
  1. Michelle C

    October 15, 2023 at 12:07 PM

    I love his witty humor. I hope he’s in heaven making my dad and brother laugh!

  2. Mitch Rules

    March 25, 2023 at 9:16 AM

    I would be a household name, but all my fans live in apartments.

  3. Mike Bittala (one finger text guy) slow af

    January 18, 2023 at 4:20 AM

    If I was missing 9 fingers, I wouldn’t type (text) any slower.-Mitch Hedberg

  4. Jerry

    November 10, 2022 at 4:45 PM

    “Dogs are forever in the push-up position.” – Mitch Hedberg

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *