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10 New Year’s Resolutions That Never Work

As far back as I can remember, I have felt the need to change myself for the New Year. I used to speak publicly about my decisions, and in front of my family and friends.

But when I realized I wasn’t keeping my resolutions, I started having private conversations with myself about it.

Then, as the time went by, I realized I have to be a bit stricter and write my New Year resolution as commands.

I add comments to make sure I stay motivated.

Here are my New Year resolutions for 2018 (I recommend that you make a similar list in the presence of at least two witnesses):

 New Year Resolution List:

1. Stop eating at night!

(If you don’t, you’ll balloon to 220 pounds and won’t be able to wear that new red dress you bought.)

OK, I know you’ve never been skinny, but that doesn’t mean you have to be… um, how to say it… tubby.

If you look to the right, you’ll see a fridge. Don’t look to the right! It looks like Mr. Fridge will open his door like a real gentleman and show you his contents.

Well, a real gentleman does NOT show it all, at least not on the first date.

But I’m sure in this case, you will be thrilled. You already know what’s behind that door: brie, blue cheese, Roquefort, wine… That’s enough now!

Bring out that new red dress and cover Mr. Fridge with it! You’ve gone too far this time and things are already out of control!

Write yourself a note on the fridge: Step back! Don’t forget: modern corsets won’t help you. If you keep eating, you won’t find any in your size anyway.

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2. Don’t get upset because of nonsense!

(When you get upset, your blood pressure jumps, and you become red in the face. Certainly not the most beautiful sight in the world.)

Anxiety is an enemy of beauty; you’ve said this yourself 100+ times.

I can understand if you get upset because of important stuff, but why do you want to get emotional when you break a heel while getting out of the elevator?

Or when you cannot find two matching socks? Or when someone wakes you up after only three hours of sleep?

When this happens, just look yourself in the mirror and say, “Hey Beauty, don’t turn into the Beast. Not today!

This is one New Year resolution you’d be happy you kept.

3. Clean the house regularly!

(If you don’t do this, a spider might get in your nose while you sleep.)

Have you noticed those giant cobwebs in the top left corner, just above the fireplace? Do you know where they come from?

Have you heard about an insect called a spider?

Just in case you’ve forgotten, 99 percent of these creatures have eight eyes and eight legs. You’re wrong if you think you can escape them.

Don’t be surprised if one day, a spider gently sits its eight-eyed head on your pillow.

4. Drink enough water every day!

(If you don’t drink enough water, you’ll look like you’re 70 years old, while in fact you’re only 69. Just kidding!)

This is an easy New Year resolution to keep.

I know that beer is a liquid; wine is liquid as well, whiskey too.

But if you want your face gentle and soft as a baby’s bottom, you’ll have to drink water! If you don’t want people to think you’re the older sister of Aunt Berta, think twice next time you decide to pour yourself a glass of anything else.

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5. Do not buy 5-inch heels!

(You know that with high heels, you walk like a camel.)

I know you love them and you just had to buy them. But now they’re in your closet, spending days without your legs.

I also know they match with the few pieces that were a hit last summer. I also know you want to be tall, but the stars (or heredity) ruined your plans.

Don’t be sad; there are a couple of people in our family shorter than you. So don’t buy the five-inch heels!

6. Comb your dog regularly!

(Or you’ll drown in his hair.)

You bought a white Westy, but it’s not enough that the groomer cuts and combs his hair every two months.

He’s been hiding behind the Christmas tree for five days now, his eyes begging: “Comb my hair; please comb my hair!”

His hair is flying around, and what are you doing about it?

You look at him with surprise like you expect him to take the vacuum cleaner and clean the whole place himself.

Maybe he will one day, but I hope you’re not going to wait until then.

7. Do not go anywhere near the bakery!

(See the comment for resolution #1)

Sorry, but I don’t believe it when you say your neighbor asked you to go to the bakery and buy her loaves of bread, buns, rolls, and three types of Danish pastries.

And stop talking about how sugar affects our brains while secretly eating the pastries you bought “for the neighbor.” Shame on you!

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8. Stop smoking!

(Calculate how many pairs of shoes you can buy each month with the money you spend on cigarettes.)

Do you remember what Carrie Bradshaw said about her money? She likes her money where she can see it—in her closet. How about you?

Your lungs are quite an unusual place to store your money. If you quit smoking, in less than four months, you could buy those red Manolo Blahnik shoes with Swarovski crystals (inspired by Napoleon I, Josephine Bonaparte and Pauline, remember?).

This is one New Year resolution you won’t regret making.

9. Go to the gym!

(Do you want to wear a swimsuit next summer? If not, keep eating and sitting around, Miss Piggy!)

It doesn’t really matter that the gym is near your place, or that you drink your morning coffee in the coffee house right next to it. I don’t think it’s enough to have friends who go there regularly. Buy some comfy workout clothes and, come on, get your butt moving!


10. Do not talk about politics with your friends!

(It’s a slippery slope. It is better to talk about flowers or weather, as Brits do.)

Friends are people we have chosen ourselves. We spend both beautiful and difficult moments with them.

Why do you have to ruin a perfectly pleasant evening and start talking about Donald’s hairstyle?

You know your friend Anna turns into a raging lioness whenever you mention that. Control yourself!

Now, read your New Year resolution list aloud (if you’re alone in a room) and sign your consent.

Happy New Year!

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