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10 New Year’s Resolutions That Never Work

By Billie Jean Bateson | Published December 28, 2022 | 6 min read

Do you make New Year’s resolutions yearly, only to give up in a few weeks?

As far back as I can remember, I have felt the need to change myself for the New Year.

I used to speak publicly about my decisions in front of my family and friends.

But when I realized I wasn’t keeping my resolutions, I started having private conversations with myself about it.

Then, as time passed, I realized I must be stricter and write my New Year resolution as commands.

I add comments to make sure I stay motivated.

New Year Resolution List:

1. Stop eating at night!

(If you don’t, you’ll balloon to 220 pounds and be unable to wear that new red dress you bought.)

OK, maybe you’ve never been skinny, but that doesn’t mean you have to be an unhealthy weight.

If you look to the right, you’ll see a fridge.

Don’t look to the right!

It looks like Mr. Fridge will open his door like a real gentleman and show you his contents.

Well, a real gentleman does not show it all, at least not on the first date.

But I’m sure in this case, you will be thrilled.

You already know what’s behind that door: brie, blue cheese, Roquefort, wine… That’s enough now!

Bring out that new red dress and cover Mr. Fridge with it!

You’ve gone too far this time, and things are already out of control!

Write yourself a note on the fridge: Step back!

2. Don’t get upset because of nonsense!

(When you get upset, your blood pressure jumps, and you become red in the face. Certainly not the most beautiful sight in the world.)

Anxiety is an enemy of beauty; you’ve said this yourself 100+ times.

I understand if you get upset because of important stuff, but why do you want to get emotional when you break a heel while getting out of the elevator?

Or when you cannot find two matching socks?

Or when someone wakes you up after only three hours of sleep?

When this happens, just look yourself in the mirror and say, “Hey, Beauty, don’t turn into the Beast. Not today!”

This is one New Year resolution you’d be happy you kept.

3. Clean the house regularly!

(If you don’t do this, a spider might get in your nose while you sleep.)

Have you noticed those giant cobwebs in the top left corner, just above the fireplace?

Do you know where they come from?

Have you heard about an insect called a spider?

If you’ve forgotten, 99% of these creatures have eight eyes and eight legs. You’re wrong if you think you can escape them.

Don’t be surprised if a spider gently sits its eight-eyed head on your pillow one day.

4. Drink enough water every day!

(If you don’t drink enough water, you’ll look like you’re 70 years old while you’re only 69. Just kidding!)

This is an easy New Year’s resolution to keep.

I know that beer is a liquid, wine is a liquid, and whiskey is too.

But if you want your face as gentle and soft as a baby’s bottom, you’ll have to drink water!

If you don’t want people to think you’re the older sister of Aunt Berta, think twice next time you decide to pour yourself a glass of anything else.

5. Do not buy 5-inch heels!

I know you love them and you just had to buy them.

However, they’re in your closet, spending days without your legs.

I also know they match the few pieces that were a hit last summer.

Maybe, you want to be tall, but the stars (or heredity) ruined your plans.

Don’t be sad; a couple of people in our family are shorter than you.

So don’t buy the five-inch heels!

Instead, put that money aside in a separate travel or fun savings fund.

6. Comb your dog regularly!

(Or you’ll drown in his hair.)

You bought a white Westy, but it’s not enough that the groomer cuts and combs his hair every two months.

He’s been hiding behind the Christmas tree for five days now, his eyes begging: “Comb my hair; please comb my hair!”

His hair is flying around, and what are you doing about it?

You look at him with surprise, expecting him to take the vacuum cleaner and clean the whole place himself.

Maybe he will one day, but I hope you will not wait until then.

Instead, put his toys and grooming tools in a nice little crate by the couch.

Next time you are petting and snuggling, grab the brush!

7. Do not go anywhere near the bakery!

(See the comment for resolution #1)

Sorry, but I don’t believe it when you say your neighbor asked you to go to the bakery and buy her loaves of bread, buns, rolls, and three types of Danish pastries.

And stop talking about how sugar affects our brains while secretly eating the pastries you bought “for the neighbor.”

If your favorite unhealthy food shop is something you pass every day, and you don’t have the willpower to drive by, change your route!

8. Stop smoking!

(Calculate how many pairs of shoes you can buy each month with the money you spend on cigarettes.)

Do you remember what Carrie Bradshaw said about her money?

She likes her money where she can see it—in her closet.

How about you?

Your lungs are quite an unusual place to store your money.

If you quit smoking in less than four months, you could buy those red Manolo Blahnik shoes with Swarovski crystals (inspired by Napoleon I, Josephine Bonaparte, and Pauline, remember?).

This is one New Year resolution you won’t regret making.

Try the same tip from above and put that $10 a day aside!