Hey! My name is Ashley Valencia. I was and still am a very independent woman.
I got married in December 2016. I am 35 years old. It took me a very long time to find the one. Why? Because of all the reasons listed here.
I just finally told myself at about the age of 23 that marriage was not for me. It was not something that would happen to me. So I stopped looking. Sure, I went on a couple of dates—and ew yuck—hated it. I loved being single and everything else just seemed like a waste of time.
I also enjoyed the fact that I could come and go as I please, never needing permission to go anywhere with anyone. I could sleep with whomever as well. It was so nice to just be so independent and work all the time. I had no excuses to miss work. I was always there and always working with dedication.
How I got to be this way was a bunch of poor decision-making on my part. I wouldn’t change anything because it all lead me to the man of my dreams.
These are my reasons independent women struggle with falling in love.
1. It’s difficult finding an independent guy.
The guy an independent woman needs must be independent in his own rights. He has to be worth it. Worth giving up those few hours at night that you would normally work a ridiculous amount of overtime, worth the stopping of hanging out with friends, worth the time and the effort, or even being in your life.
2. Independent women are looking for knowledgeable men.
The man must be on the same type of educational wavelength. As an independent woman, you do not have time to waste on a dumbass. The man must be interesting and knowledgeable.
3. It’s difficult to find single, dedicated men.
The man must be single. You laugh, but seriously, you have to be single. I am not playing this little dating-around game with you. The one where you have so many “options” under your belt. If I am wasting my time talking to you, you must dedicate your precious time to me, too.
4. Some men can be ‘needy’.
Do not message me all the time and expect an immediate response. I am not used to guys texting me anyway, let alone you. Chances are I am busy working and doing my own thing. I will get back to you. However, it will be after I finish what I am doing.
5. You must accept the independent woman as she is.
Love me for me, not for who I could be. Certainly not for what you can make me. I am over that. I am no longer playing those little dating games we were all taught when we were 18.
I will not text you and wait two days for a response and think it is so cute. I will not become a stay-at-home mom unless I want to. Pushover is not a word you should use to describe me. Nor will I pretend to be dumb and cute for you.
I am smart, educated, successful, a workaholic, dedicated, and going places. If you want to get on my train with me—perfect. If you want to get on some other train and you think I might fit, get on another train and leave me alone.
6. An independent woman is not looking to change a man.
I won’t put any effort into changing you. If you need some help to make doctor’s appointments, plan parties, pick out your clothes, etc. I will not be that “girl” for you. Be an adult. I am not looking to be your mom. You must come as you are, fully and truthfully.
7. Independent women want honest men.
Tell the truth. By this time I am over liars. I just don’t have time for lies. You ever lie to me, please be gone. I want the truth, even if it is brutal. Sneaky games and half-truths have no place in my life.
8. It’s tough finding men who can be present.
You must be present. You cannot say ‘hey, let’s date exclusively’ and then never have time for me. I am 100 percent over that. You must actually be there. Why would you want to be in a relationship and not be involved?
9. An independent woman wants a proper partner.
Be a partner. Independent women do NOT want a husband in the sense that the man is basically her dad. We want a legitimate partner. I like to explain it like this: I want a best friend who likes to have sex with me. That is it.
You work full time—I work full time. When we have kids, we split all the responsibilities. There is no ‘I am the mom, so I get to do everything’—um, no. The bills—same thing, you pay and I pay. So on and so forth.
10. Some men expect love too quickly.
Do not expect me to fall in love with you quickly. An independent woman has already been through a ton of heartbreak. We just do not even care to be in a relationship. So if you have duped us to this point into liking you, wait.
It won’t be forever but wait for it. We are scared and we will say it, just not soon. It took my husband 8-9 months dating exclusively before saying ‘I love you’.
A Personal Story on Becoming an Independent Woman
When I was 18, I fell in love with my first boyfriend. He was my best friend, and I was so happy to be his girlfriend. He broke up with me after two months of dating because he forced himself on me. I pushed him off and locked myself in the bathroom, telling him to leave.
Then after that, I, of course, wanted to keep a man. So I lost my virginity for real this time. However, I wanted to make sure he was the “one”. So I dated this guy for about six months, then decided that was who I would marry—so we slept together.
It all became a huge mistake. Little did I know he was super into pot. He cheated on me all the time after that. We moved in with each other and I found out about his pot needs. I found out more about his sleeping around. He had three kids with other women while with me. I also found out he was abusive.
However, it all ended when I was about 21 or 22. I finally had enough, and he had enough. I was in college and I hated everything. We broke up and that next day; I was the happiest person I had ever been since before 18. It was a huge life change.
Then I really got into college life. I partied a ton, drank a ton, got super involved with campus life, etc. That freedom was addicting, and that’s how I found out that I loved being single. I loved it so much and I never wanted that life to end.
Life after college
Then I graduated at 23. College life was over, and it was time to enter adulthood. I was working all the time. While I still partied, it was much less often. I tried dating a little, tried being more like an adult, but it was so boring. I just could not get into it. Also, it felt like an enormous waste of time.
I would go on a date knowing that I could make money instead. I would know I could be with my girlfriends out having a good time instead of talking to a man that would eventually want me to sleep with him after the date and would cry like a little girl when I said no.
I was over it. So I decided that was just not for me. Then I was 27, and I met my husband. He was worth it. All of it. But that is a whole other story.