10 Why Independent Women Struggle to Find Love

My name is Ashley Valencia, and I always was and still am a very independent woman.

I got married in December 2016.

I had to wait a long time to find “the one.”


Because of several reasons which I will list for you below!

Keep reading to discover the top reasons independent women struggle to find love!

I Liked Being Single

I graduated college at 23 and was working all the time.

While I still partied, it was much less often.

I tried dating a little, but I found it so boring.

I just could not get into it.

Also, it felt like an enormous waste of time.

I would go on a date knowing that I could make money instead.

I’d sit there knowing I could be with my girlfriends having a good time instead of talking to a man who would eventually want me to sleep with him after the date and would cry like a little girl when I said no.

So I decided I was over it, that was just not for me.

I stopped looking.

I loved being single and everything else just seemed like a waste of time.

It was great that I could come and go as I pleased, never needing permission or approval to go anywhere with anyone.

I could sleep with whomever as well.

It was so nice to just be so independent and work all the time.

I had no excuses to miss work.

I was always there and always working with dedication.

How I got to be this way was a bunch of poor decision-making on my part.

Still, I wouldn’t change anything because although it was a struggle, it all led me to the man of my dreams!

I was 27 when I met my husband.

And the only way I can describe it is that he was worth it.

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All of it.

But that’s a whole other story.

Here are the main reasons independent women struggle and have to wait so long to find love.

Tell us what you would add to this list in the comment section!

1. It’s difficult to find an independent guy

The guy an independent woman needs must be independent in his own rights.

He can’t expect to monopolize your time.

Furthermore, if you do give some of your limited time, he has to be worth it.

Worth giving up those few hours at night that you would normally work overtime.

Worth skipping hanging out with friends, worth the time and the effort, or even being in your life.

2. Independent women are looking for knowledgeable men   

The man must be on the same type of educational wavelength.

As an independent woman, you do not have time to waste on a dumbass.

The man must be interesting and knowledgeable.

3. It’s tough finding men who want to commit

The man must be single.

You laugh, but seriously, you have to be single.

I am not playing this little dating-around game with you.

The one where you have so many “options” under your belt.

If I am wasting my time talking to you, you must dedicate your precious time to me, too.

4. Some men can be ‘needy’

Do not message me all the time, and expect an immediate response.

Chances are I am busy working and doing my own thing.

I will get back to you.

However, it will be after I finish what I am doing.

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5. Guys struggle to accept the independent woman as she is

Love me for me, not for who I could be.

Certainly not for what you can make me.

I’m over that.

I am no longer playing those little dating games we were all taught when we were 18.

I will not text you and wait two days for a response and think it is so cute.

Pushover is not a word you should use to describe me.

Nor will I pretend to be dumb and cute for you.

I am smart, educated, successful, a workaholic, dedicated, and going places.

If you want to get on my train with me—perfect.

If you want to get on some other train and you think I might fit, get on another train and leave me alone.

6. An independent woman is not looking to coach a man       

I won’t put any effort into changing you.

If you need some help to make doctor’s appointments, plan parties, pick out your clothes, etc.

I will not be that girl for you.

Be an adult.

I am not looking to be your mom.

You must come as you are, fully and truthfully.

7. Independent women want honest men

Tell the truth.

By this time I am over liars.

I just don’t have time for lies.

If you ever lie to me, please be gone.

I want the truth, even if it is brutal.

Sneaky games and half-truths have no place in my life.

8. It’s tough finding men who can be present

You must be present.

You cannot say ‘Hey, let’s date exclusively’ and then never have time for me.

I am 100 percent over that.

You must actually be there.

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Why would you want to be in a relationship and not be involved?

9. An independent woman wants a proper partner

Be a partner.

Independent women do not want a husband in the sense that the man is basically her dad.

We want a legitimate partner.

I like to explain it like this: I want a best friend who likes to have sex with me.

That is it.

You work full time—I work full time.

When we have kids, we split all the responsibilities.

There is no ‘I am the mom, so I get to do everything’—um, no.

The bills—same thing, you pay and I pay.

So on and so forth.

10. Some men expect love too quickly  

Do not expect me to fall in love with you quickly.

An independent woman has already been through a ton of heartbreak.

We just do not even care to be in a relationship.

So if you have duped us to this point into liking you, wait.

It won’t be forever but wait for it.

We are scared and we will say it, just not soon.

It took my husband 8-9 months of dating exclusively before saying, ‘I love you.

A reminder for all my independent woman

Whether you are an independent woman who is looking for love or has already found it, this video is an amazing reminder that either way, you’re amazing, and you’re just fine.

If you’re an independent woman who has struggled to find love, tell us about it in the comment section!

Also, tell us from your experience what you would add to this list.

We would love to hear from you!

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  1. Sim

    September 25, 2023 at 5:54 PM

    I love your article! – there will be many people (mainly men) who read this and miss the entire point.

    I am 26 and resonate so much with your words. I value freedom so highly. I want an independent man who respects my independence- a relationship where we come together and support each other as individuals! I still haven’t found that. I am loving my single life and not feeling guilty about doing anything that I want to do.

    You left me on a cliff hanger – I need to know the next part of your story!

  2. Mali

    December 17, 2022 at 4:25 AM

    You are shooting yourself in the leg with your independence. To become independent takes time for both men and women. It takes years in college or beyond, it takes time to climb the corporate latter, het a good job or maybe build a business. So now you are in your 30s and looking for knowledgeable man, he must be single and dedicated to you, proper partner, independent himself and so forth as you say. Of course, and you are also expecting him to accept you the way you are. In reality this usually means that this type of man is experienced, he’s got to be in his 30-40s, maybe 50s to match your expectations. So right there you have eliminated 80% of men who could be potential great partners.

    Think about it from man’s perspective. He has worked hard many years, he is now independent and established, maybe in his 40s-50s and he meets woman like you. Are you attractive? Of course you are, but you are also in your middle 30s or 40s. There are many much younger women in their 20s or early 30s, they are not as independent but they also want the same accomplished man. For most men like that it’s no brainer, he’d rather be with attractive woman in her 20s that is throwing herself at him rather than with independent woman in late 30s or 40s.

    I don’t know if other men are intimidated by independent women, could be. I love independent women, but they can also be a huge turn off with theirs many times unrealistic expectations. You were maybe 8-9 in your 20s. Unless you are extremely good looking or have a great personality, you are now 4-5 in your upper 30s and 40s while expecting your man to be 8-9.

  3. John B

    September 11, 2022 at 12:15 AM

    Steve and James are the type of guys independent women (and im proud to say) like my girlfriend, would never date lmao

  4. Nicole

    June 17, 2022 at 4:11 PM

    Wow I see these dudes comments and it just renews my love of being independent and single lol

  5. John smith

    September 19, 2019 at 3:11 AM

    Great article. I used to have problems getting girls but you can all do it. I also highly recommend Eisner Fjord’s book How to Get Any Girl You Want. It opened my eyes. Women are the same as men in many ways. Just talk to them like you would talk to a man

  6. Steve

    September 9, 2019 at 1:28 PM

    Well first of all, Miss independent really think they’re all that since most of these women are very high maintenance today, and they will only want the very best of all which they will never ever settle for less. A real turn off for many of us single men that are nothing at all like most of these women are today, especially now that Feminism is everywhere today.

  7. James Franklin

    August 22, 2019 at 7:23 AM

    “I want a best friend who happens to like to have sex with me. That is it“
    Yikes. That sounds to me like the modern woman. No wonder relationships these days are shot. This is pretty much a best friend with benefits dynamic. We know friends with benefits don’t work. There’s not much in the way of sacrifice or codependency. Not much in the way of romance. It’s the 21 century it’s not that hard to be independent when you can just google it. It’s finding a way to be not too clingy or not too independent that is different for different relationships. Eventually we’ll come to a point where everyone is truly isolated and independent. I wonder how that will be like…

    • Jade

      October 25, 2019 at 2:54 PM

      The post was lost on both you and Steve.

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