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Reasons Independent Women Struggle to Fall in Love

Hey! My name is Ashley Valencia. 

I was and still am a very independent woman.

I got married in December 2016. I am 35 years old.

It took me a very long time to find the one. Why?

Because of all the reasons listed here.

I just finally told myself at about the age of 23 that marriage was not for me. It was not something that would happen to me.

So I stopped looking. Sure, I went on a couple of dates—and ew yuck—hated it.

I loved being single and everything else just seemed like a waste of time.

I also enjoyed the fact that I could come and go as I please, never needing permission to go anywhere with anyone. I could sleep with whomever as well.

It was so nice to just be so independent and work all the time. I had no excuses to miss work.

I was always there and always working with dedication.

How I got to be this way was a bunch of poor decision-making on my part. I wouldn’t change anything because it all lead me to the man of my dreams.

These are my reasons independent women struggle with falling in love.

1. It’s difficult finding an independent guy.

The guy an independent woman needs must be independent in his own rights. He has to be worth it.

Worth giving up those few hours at night that you would normally work a ridiculous amount of overtime, worth the stopping of hanging out with friends, worth the time and the effort, or even being in your life.

2. Independent women are looking for knowledgeable men.      

The man must be on the same type of educational wavelength. As an independent woman, you do not have time to waste on a dumbass.

The man must be interesting and knowledgeable.

3. It’s difficult to find single, dedicated men.    

The man must be single. You laugh, but seriously, you have to be single.

I am not playing this little dating-around game with you. The one where you have so many “options” under your belt.

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If I am wasting my time talking to you, you must dedicate your precious time to me, too.

4. Some men can be ‘needy’.        

Do not message me all the time and expect an immediate response. I am not used to guys texting me anyway, let alone you.

Chances are I am busy working and doing my own thing. I will get back to you.

However, it will be after I finish what I am doing.

5. You must accept the independent woman as she is.    

Love me for me, not for who I could be. Certainly not for what you can make me.

I am over that. I am no longer playing those little dating games we were all taught when we were 18.

I will not text you and wait two days for a response and think it is so cute. I will not become a stay-at-home mom unless I want to.

Pushover is not a word you should use to describe me. Nor will I pretend to be dumb and cute for you.

I am smart, educated, successful, a workaholic, dedicated, and going places. If you want to get on my train with me—perfect.

If you want to get on some other train and you think I might fit, get on another train and leave me alone.

6. An independent woman is not looking to change a man.       

I won’t put any effort into changing you. If you need some help to make doctor’s appointments, plan parties, pick out your clothes, etc.

I will not be that “girl” for you. Be an adult.

I am not looking to be your mom. You must come as you are, fully and truthfully.

7. Independent women want honest men.     

Tell the truth. By this time I am over liars.

I just don’t have time for lies.

You ever lie to me, please be gone. I want the truth, even if it is brutal.

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Sneaky games and half-truths have no place in my life.

8. It’s tough finding men who can be present.       

You must be present. You cannot say ‘hey, let’s date exclusively’ and then never have time for me.

I am 100 percent over that. You must actually be there.

Why would you want to be in a relationship and not be involved?

9. An independent woman wants a proper partner. 

Be a partner. Independent women do NOT want a husband in the sense that the man is basically her dad.

We want a legitimate partner. I like to explain it like this: I want a best friend who likes to have sex with me.

That is it.

You work full time—I work full time. When we have kids, we split all the responsibilities.

There is no ‘I am the mom, so I get to do everything’—um, no. The bills—same thing, you pay and I pay.

So on and so forth.

10. Some men expect love too quickly.   

Do not expect me to fall in love with you quickly. An independent woman has already been through a ton of heartbreak.

We just do not even care to be in a relationship. So if you have duped us to this point into liking you, wait.

It won’t be forever but wait for it. We are scared and we will say it, just not soon.

It took my husband 8-9 months dating exclusively before saying ‘I love you’.

A Personal Story on Becoming an Independent Woman

When I was 18, I fell in love with my first boyfriend. He was my best friend, and I was so happy to be his girlfriend.

He broke up with me after two months of dating because he forced himself on me. I pushed him off and locked myself in the bathroom, telling him to leave.

Then after that, I, of course, wanted to keep a man. So I lost my virginity for real this time.

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However, I wanted to make sure he was the “one”. So I dated this guy for about six months, then decided that was who I would marry—so we slept together.

It all became a huge mistake. Little did I know he was super into pot.

He cheated on me all the time after that. We moved in with each other and I found out about his pot needs.

I found out more about his sleeping around. He had three kids with other women while with me.

I also found out he was abusive.

However, it all ended when I was about 21 or 22. I finally had enough, and he had enough.

I was in college and I hated everything. We broke up and that next day; I was the happiest person I had ever been since before 18.

It was a huge life change.

Then I really got into college life. I partied a ton, drank a ton, got super involved with campus life, etc.

That freedom was addicting, and that’s how I found out that I loved being single. I loved it so much and I never wanted that life to end.

Life after college

Then I graduated at 23. College life was over, and it was time to enter adulthood.

I was working all the time. While I still partied, it was much less often.

I tried dating a little, tried being more like an adult, but it was so boring. I just could not get into it.

Also, it felt like an enormous waste of time.

I would go on a date knowing that I could make money instead. I would know I could be with my girlfriends out having a good time instead of talking to a man that would eventually want me to sleep with him after the date and would cry like a little girl when I said no.

I was over it. So I decided that was just not for me.

Then I was 27, and I met my husband. He was worth it.

All of it. But that is a whole other story.

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  1. John B

    September 11, 2022 at 12:15 AM

    Steve and James are the type of guys independent women (and im proud to say) like my girlfriend, would never date lmao

  2. Nicole

    June 17, 2022 at 4:11 PM

    Wow I see these dudes comments and it just renews my love of being independent and single lol

  3. Jason

    September 23, 2019 at 1:57 AM

    This is hilarious and cringing 😀 as a single Venezuelan man, I’ve experimented with steroids legally I’ve made love and fucked many many women and also not had sex in relationships with some of the most beautiful women imaginable, I come from a family of lawyers and Doctors, both parents are lawyers and my grandfather is a pediatric brain surgeon. I lost my grandmother to cancer and speak Spanish with English as my first language although i knew Spanish before i could even recall. I’m a cancer man and am an excellent judge of character although many times i can voluntarily blind myself to red flags in hopes of giving people the benefit of the doubt. Basically I’m a pretty easy catch of any women that would take a couple brain cells to place money second in their life to simply experience love for what it really is. All that aside I could care less what women do with their time who they lay with or “what have you”. I’ve completely lost interest in putting any effort in someone who just expects to be wisked off their feet off into the sunset, you say all this talk about independent women blah blah blah but really it just takes 3 seconds for you to actually speak to most good men to find out they are way more worth your time then the guy who is gamed you into thinking all men are the same this that and the other, fact of the matter is your more dependent on men to engage wait no, literally “con” there way into your panties (or buy) LMAO your sooooooo far gone that “us” normal men don’t even want anything to do with your kind anymore it will just drive us to focus on success and the oh so lavish life of a bachelor that comes after when you gold diggers come crawling back with a 360 attitude “all of a sudden”. …Me, for one will be using you exactly for what I need and nothing else because I know for a fact the only reason you treat us (on average i can confidently say 65-70% of women) is for money and or fame but whats the diff… in the end you will all be replaced with young beautiful gals that may or may not have a sense of self but ultimatley your generation of women will be out of the sexual picture and we men will be successfully swooping in on all these broke gen y kids’s gals… patience my friend is a virtue so hang in there guys

  4. John smith

    September 19, 2019 at 3:11 AM

    Great article. I used to have problems getting girls but you can all do it. I also highly recommend Eisner Fjord’s book How to Get Any Girl You Want. It opened my eyes. Women are the same as men in many ways. Just talk to them like you would talk to a man

  5. Steve

    September 9, 2019 at 1:28 PM

    Well first of all, Miss independent really think they’re all that since most of these women are very high maintenance today, and they will only want the very best of all which they will never ever settle for less. A real turn off for many of us single men that are nothing at all like most of these women are today, especially now that Feminism is everywhere today.

  6. James Franklin

    August 22, 2019 at 7:23 AM

    “I want a best friend who happens to like to have sex with me. That is it“
    Yikes. That sounds to me like the modern woman. No wonder relationships these days are shot. This is pretty much a best friend with benefits dynamic. We know friends with benefits don’t work. There’s not much in the way of sacrifice or codependency. Not much in the way of romance. It’s the 21 century it’s not that hard to be independent when you can just google it. It’s finding a way to be not too clingy or not too independent that is different for different relationships. Eventually we’ll come to a point where everyone is truly isolated and independent. I wonder how that will be like…

    • Jade

      October 25, 2019 at 2:54 PM

      The post was lost on both you and Steve.

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