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Erma Bombeck Quotes About Life, Marriage and God

If you’re in search of something to lift you up while making you smile, these Erma Bombeck quotes are perfect for you.

The late humorist was known as “the woman who made the world laugh” and it’s easy to see why after reading these Erma Bombeck quotes we have for you.

Don’t forget to also read these beautiful Mary Oliver quotes to live by.

Inspirational Erma Bombeck Quotes

1. When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway. – Erma Bombeck

47 Erma Bombeck Quotes About Life, Marriage and God

2. Dreams have only one owner at a time. That’s why dreamers are lonely. – Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck quotes about life

3. Never have more children than you have car windows. – Erma Bombeck

4. When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me’. – Erma Bombeck

5. Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone? – Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck quotes about life

6. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. – Erma Bombeck

7. My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you? – Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck quotes about life

8. I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. – Erma Bombeck

9. It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. – Erma Bombeck

10. Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the ‘Titanic’ who waved off the dessert cart. – Erma Bombeck

11. There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. – Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck quotes about life

12. I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food – Erma Bombeck

13. There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. – Erma Bombeck

14. Don’t worry about who doesn’t like you, who has more, or who’s doing what. – Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck quotes aboout love

15. Worry is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere. – Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck quotes

16. Housework can kill you if done right – Erma Bombeck

17. The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one. – Erma Bombeck

18. When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911. – Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck quotes

19. Men who have a thirty-six-televised-football-games-a-week-habit should be declared legally dead and their estates probated. – Erma Bombeck

Also read these David Bowie quotes that will inspire you to live a life that is anything but boring.

Erma Bombeck quotes about fear

20. All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. – Erma Bombeck

21. You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren’t dying. They’re merging into big conglomerates – Erma Bombeck

22. Raising a family wasn’t something I put on my resumé, but I have to ask myself, would I apply for the same job again? – Erma Bombeck


23. He who laughs … Lasts – Erma Bombeck

24. It is upsetting to many parents that their teen-agers introduce them to their friends as encyclopedia salesmen who are just passing through … if they introduce them at all. I have some acquaintances who hover in dark parking lots, enter church separately and crouch in furnace rooms so their teen-agers will not be accused of having parents. – Erma Bombeck


25. There were really only two men I knew who ever got a laugh out of paying their income taxes. One was cheating the government and getting away with it. The other had a sick sense of humor and would probably have set up a concession stand at the Boston Tea Party and sold sugar cubes and lemon slices. – Erma Bombeck

26. Families aren’t easy to join. They’re like an exclusive country club where membership makes impossible demands and the dues for an outsider are exorbitant. – Erma Bombeck

27. I question the value of name tags as an aid to future identification. I have approached too many people who have spent the entire evening talking to my left bosom. I always have the insane desire to name the other one. – Erma Bombeck


28. Let us hope manufacturers can come up with a diaper that is environmentally sound. To go back to cloth would send us back to the day when breathing and raising a baby at the same time were incompatible. – Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck quotes about dreams

29. There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, “Yes, I’ve got dreams, of course I’ve got dreams.” Then they put the box away and bring it out once in awhile to look in it, and yep, they’re still there. – Erma Bombeck


30. Never accept a drink from a urologist.” – Erma Bombeck

31. I haven’t trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I’ve never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex. – Erma Bombeck


32. In two decades I’ve lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet. – Erma Bombeck

33. Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they’re not trying to keep up with you. – Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck quotes about family

34. Christmas Shopping: Wouldn’t it be wonderful to find one gift that you didn’t have to dust, that had to be used right away, that was practical, fit everyone, was personal and would be remembered for a long time? I penciled in “Gift certificate for a flu shot. – Erma Bombeck

35. Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. “Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed?” Don’t you want to save some of the pizza for your brother?” Wasn’t there any change?”  – Erma Bombeck


36. Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You’re not out of it until the computer SAYS you’re out of it. – Erma Bombeck

37. Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come home as contemporaries. After twenty-two years of child-rearing, they are unemployed. – Erma Bombeck

38. People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you’ll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow. – Erma Bombeck

39. No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there’s a wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick. – Erma Bombeck


40. Guilt is the gift that keeps on giving. – Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck quotes

41. Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop offs at tedium and counter productivity. – Erma Bombeck

42. Education is so important when it comes to domesticity. I don’t know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows – Erma Bombeck

Erma-Bombeck-quotes-843. It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows. – Erma Bombeck

44. Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It’s literary suicide. – Erma Bombeck

45. It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of supersophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners. – Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck quotes about life

46. Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It’s unbridled, its unplanned, it’s full of suprises. – Erma Bombeck

47. Don’t confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other. – Erma Bombeck

Erma-Bombeck-quotes-8Which  Erma Bombeck quotes were your favorite?

Norbert Juma, Lead Editor
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  1. Nancy

    July 10, 2019 at 6:22 PM

    My favorite is “It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.” Today is 7/10/2019. I remember Erma Bombeck from my childhood as a humorous, witty and powerful columnist and author. I miss her genuineness and the simple power of her words. They make you think. There has never been another like her. It’s hard to believe she’s gone almost 25 years. The role is vacant. Will someone pick up the mantle?

    • Govinda Rossa

      September 3, 2019 at 10:16 AM

      I agree. I grew up, a Gen-Xer, reading her stuff. She was so witty, and she could find humor in any situation. All of the women in my family are like that. It’s a coping mechanism and a gift. She was wittily gifted!

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