These W.C. Fields quotes from the cantankerous comedian are sure to make you laugh.
W.C. Fields was born as William Claude Dunkenfield in January of 1880. He left home at 18 to become a juggler in Vaudville.
Within the next three years, he would rise up to be a headline star on the stage. After Vaudville, Fields found success on Broadway and from there made his way to the silver screen.
Fields starred in over a dozen films before he really started to make a name for himself in Hollywood. In the early 1930s, he signed a deal for four comedy shorts and introduced the world to his comedic persona: a pessimistic, antisocial man with a liking for alcohol.
We hope you enjoy this collection of W.C. Fields quotes.
Don’t forget to also check out these hilarious Larry David quotes from the writer of Seinfeld.
Funny W.C. Fields quotes
1. “Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.” — W.C. Fields
2. “Start off every day with a simple smile and get it over with.” — W.C. Fields
3. “All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.” — W.C. Fields
4. “The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.” — W.C. Fields
5. “Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.” — W.C. Fields
6. “Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.” — W.C. Fields
7. “Here lies W.C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.” — W.C. Fields
8. “Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.” — W.C. Fields
9. “Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.” — W.C. Fields
10. “Cross my heart and hope to eat my weight in goslings.” — W.C. Fields
Funny W.C. Fields quotes on people
11. “I never met a kid I liked.” — W.C. Fields
12. “I like children – fried.” — W.C. Fields
13. “A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.” — W.C. Fields
14. “Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.” — W.C. Fields
15. “I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.” — W.C. Fields
16. “Women are like elephants. I like to look at ’em, but I wouldn’t want to own one.” — W.C. Fields
17. “The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.” — W.C. Fields
18. “Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.” — W.C. Fields
19. “Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.” — W.C. FIelds
20. “Children should neither be seen nor heard from — ever again.” — W.C. Fields
21. “Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of bad road. She had so many gold teeth . . . she used to have to sleep with her head in a safe.” — W.C. Fields
22. “No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.” — W.C. Fields
Funny W.C. Fields quotes about his love for the drink
23. “I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.” — W.C. Fields
24. “I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.” — W.C. Fields
25. “I must have a drink of breakfast.” — W.C. Fields
26. “I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.” — W.C. Fields
27. “If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.” — W.C. Fields
28. “Sleep – the most beautiful experience in life – except drink.” — W.C. Fields
29. “My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.” — W.C. Fields
30. “Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.” — W.C. Fields
31. “Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.” — W.C. Fields
32. “I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.” — W.C. Fields
33. “Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.” — W.C. Fields
34. “I drink therefore I am.” — W.C. Fields
35. “There are only two real ways to get ahead today – sell liquor or drink it.” — W.C. Fields
36. “A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.” — W.C. Fields
Other hilarious W.C. Fields quotes
37. “It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.” — W.C. Fields
38. “Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.” — W.C. Fields
39. “If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.” — W.C. Fields
40. “If there’s a will, prosperity can’t be far behind.” — W.C. Fields
41. “I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.” — W.C. Fields
42. “Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.” — W.C. Fields
43. “Never give a sucker an even break.” — W.C. Fields
44. “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.” — W.C. Fields
45. “There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.” — W.C. Fields
46. “Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.” — W.C. Fields
47. “Anything worth having is a thing worth cheating for.” — W.C. Fields
48. “The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.” — W.C. Fields
49. “On the whole, I’d rather be in Philidelphia.” — W.C. Fields
50. “I have been asked if I ever get the DTs; I don’t know; it’s hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin.” — W.C. Fields
Did these W.C. Fields make you laugh?
No matter what kind of day you’re having, you’re probably having a better day than W.C. Fields’ comedic persona. Portrayed as a continuously grumpy and pessimistic person, it’s natural for people to relate while watching the grouchy grump complain on stage or screen.
W.C. Fields had a successful comedic career and is considered by many to be one of America’s greatest comics. Fields had a presence on screen that has since become legendary. He wrote most of his own scripts, and though he worked with directors, Fields’ films were known to be his creation.
Did you enjoy these W.C. Fields quotes and lines? Let us know in the comments below.
January 13, 2021 7:00 AM EST