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Grumpier Old Men Quotes From Everyone’s Favorite Neighbors

These hilarious Grumpier Old Men quotes include some funny conversations with grandpa, as well as some witty one-liners.

Grumpier Old Men is a 1995 American romantic comedy film. It is the sequel to the hilarious film Grumpy Old Men, which starred Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau. 

Grumpier Old Men saw the return of some familiar faces as well as new ones like Ann-Margret, Sophia Loren, Burgess Meredith (in his final film role), Daryl Hannah, Kevin Pollak, Katie Sagona, and Ann Morgan Guilbert. Burgess Meredith who plays, Grandpa Gustafson in both films, developed Alzheimer’s disease and had to be coached through his role in the film.

If you have seen Grumpy Old Men, then you know this is the story of two Minnesota neighbors with a love-hate relationship. At the start of the movie, John Gustafson (Lemmon) and Max Goldman (Matthau) have become great friends, and their children are engaged to one another. The banter continues between the pair, who now affectionately call each other “moron” and “putz.”

Keep reading through these Grumpier Old Men quotes for some funny conversations between John and Max. If you think those are amusing, just wait until Sophia Loren’s character, Maria Ragetti, gets added to the mix.

Don’t forget to also check out these Grumpy Old Men quotes that are sure to make you laugh!

Grumpier Old Men Quotes from conversations with Grandpa Gustafson

1. Grandpa Gustafson: Last Thursday, I turned 95 years old. And I never exercised a day in my life. Every morning, I wake up, and I smoke a cigarette. And then I eat five strips of bacon. And for lunch, I eat a bacon sandwich. And for a midday snack?

John Gustafson: Bacon.

Grandpa Gustafson: Bacon!

2. Grandpa Gustafson: And finally, the baby bear looked and he said, “Somebody’s sleeping in my bed, and the bastard’s still there!” But Goldylocks had a Remington semi-automatic, with a scope and a hair-trigger!

Allie, Melanie’s Daughter: That’s not the way it goes!

Grandpa Gustafson: And that was the end of the Three Bears.

3. John Gustafson: Nobody slept with anybody.

Grandpa Gustafson: Speak for yourself.

4. Grandpa Gustafson: Relax. Kids swallow quarters all the time.

Melanie Gustafson: Really?

Grandpa Gustafson: Sure. If she craps out two dimes and a nickel, then you can start worrying.”

5. Grandpa Gustafson: I have been to Hawaii.

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Mama Ragetti: Oh yeah? Which island?

Grandpa Gustafson: Come on I wanna lay ya.

6. Mama Ragetti: I find you disgusting.

Grandpa Gustafson: Well, just as long as you find me.”

7. Grandpa: What the… what the hell is this?

John: That’s lite beer.

Grandpa: Gee, I weigh ninety goddamn pounds, and you bring me this sloppin’ foam?

8. John: Goes to show you what?

Grandpa: Well it just goes… what the hell are you talkin’ about?

John: Well you said you drink beer, you eat bacon and you smoke cigarettes, and you outlive most of the experts.

9. Grandpa: Yeah?

John: I thought maybe there was a moral.

Grandpa: No, there ain’t no moral. I just like that story. That’s all. Like that story.

10. Grandpa Gustafson: It’s okay, I’m a doctor.

John Gustafson: Oh, sounds like Dad’s using his free exam trick again.

Max Goldman: Well, you gotta stick with what works.

Funny Grumpier Old Men quotes from Grandpa Gustafson

11. “How about you come back to my place and I’ll show you my man-size cannelloni?” ― Grandpa Gustafson

12. “You can wish in one hand and crap in the other, and see which one gets fill first.” ― Grandpa Gustafson

13. “What’s the matter, beautiful? You’re meaner than a dog shitting tacks.” ― Grandpa Gustafson

14. “Each year comes and goes, and I’m still here. Ha! And they keep dying. You know? Sometimes I wonder if God forgot about me.” ― Grandpa Gustafson

15. “I usually drink my dinner.” ― Grandpa Gustafson

16. “Drop that fish!” ― Grandpa Gustafson

17. “Then one day you wake up and you realize that you’re not 81 anymore. And then you begin to count the minutes rather than the days. And you realize that pretty soon, you’ll be gone. And that all you have, see, is the experiences. That’s all there is, John, everything. The experiences… You mount that woman, son… or else, send her out to me, huh?” ― Grandpa Gustafson

Grumpier Old Men quotes from Max Goldman

18. “There are many fish in the sea but you’re the only one I’d want to stuff and mount over my fireplace.” ― Max Goldman

19. “Mmmm… lesbians, yummy!” ― Max Goldman

20. “I am the gangster of love.” ― Max Goldman

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21. “I got a cactus in my bathroom but we got nothing to say to each other.” ― Max Goldman

22. “Why don’t you do the world a favor? Pull your lip over your head and swallow.” ― Max Goldman

23. “If my dog was as ugly as you, I’d shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards.” ― Max Goldman

24. “I just met a girl named Maria, and suddenly I see she’s not the… bitch I thought she would be.” ― Max Goldman

25. “You don’t have the balls to take me on anymore. Ariel’s got you neutered.” ― Max Goldman

26. “Do you think we should ask her for some garlic bread?” [to John, after Maria dumps spaghetti sauce on their heads] ― Max Goldman

27. “Eat my shorts.” ― Max Goldman

28. “You traitor, you Benedict Arnold.” ― Max Goldman

29. “Night crawler’s the king of all worms. They come out at night after the rain to lay out across the grass and breathe the night air.” ― Max Goldman

Conversations from Grumpier Old Men between Max and John

30. John Gustafson: I’m cold.

Max Goldman: Here’s some matches. Set yourself on fire.”

31. John Gustafson: This milk has chunks in it.

Max Goldman: What’s your point?”

32. John Gustafson: You won’t even know I’m here.

Max Goldman: That’s because you won’t be here.”

33. John Gustafson: Gangster, huh? So tell me, was it more of a hold up than a stick up?

Max Goldman: Even your infantile penis jokes seem funny and witty this morning.

34. Max Goldman: I knew your old man longer than I knew my own.

John Gustafson: He was always very fond of you, Max.

Max Goldman: He was a good man.

John Gustafson: The best.

35. Max Goldman: You know I didn’t mean what I said about Melanie.

John Gustafson: And you know how I really feel about Jacob.

Max Goldman: Yeah, well, he deserves to be happy.

John Gustafson: He deserves Melanie.

36. Max Goldman: Hmmmm. Well, whaddya wanna do now?

John Gustafson: You wanna get drunk?

Max Goldman: Yeah.

37. Max Goldman: If I die today, I die a happy man.

John Gustafson: You die today, I’m taking your motor.

38. John Gustafson: Here, drop anchor.

Max Goldman: You cut the anchor you dumb ass.

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John Gustafson: Alright, then grab the net.

Max Goldman: You cut that too you dick head.

Grumpier Old Men quotes from Maria Sophia Coletta Regetti

39. Maria Ragetti: I’ve never seen wine that comes in a box before.

Max Goldman: Pretty fancy huh? Look, it’s even got its own tap.”

40. Maria Ragetti: I’d rather kiss a dead moose’s butt!

Max Goldman: So, I’ll call you?”

41. Maria Ragetti: I haven’t been with a man for a long time

Max Goldman: Me neither.

42. Maria Ragetti: Ox

Max Goldman: Nag

43. Maria Ragetti: She pressed the grapes herself back in Palermo. It’s a rare vintage with a unique bouquet.

Max Goldman: Is that a nice way of saying that the wine smells like your mama’s feet?

44. Max Goldman: Bait shop!

Maria Ragetti: Ristorante!

Max Goldman: Baita shoppe.

Maria Ragetti: Ristorante!

45. “I look like a… slut!” ― Maria Ragetti

46. [to Max] “Ragetti’s will be a romantic lake-front ristorante. It will be special, classy, somewhere you would never go.” ― Maria Ragetti

47. “Holy moly!” ― Maria Ragetti

48. “You like Italian, Mr. Gustafson?” ― Maria Ragetti

49. “How do you know who I am?” ― Maria Ragetti

50. “Ah, you can imagine my excitement.” ― Maria Ragetti

Which of these Grumpier Old Men quotes is your favorite?

Of course, the movie wouldn’t be so entertaining if the feud amongst the “Old Men” was not rekindled. This happens because their kids call off the engagement due to the stress of their parents “helping” to plan the wedding.

This causes John and his new wife problems and she leaves him until it is all sorted out. Sadly, the death of Grandpa Gustafson brings everyone back together. If you enjoyed the schtik comedy of the first film, you will love this one too.

The movie doesn’t rate very high on Rotten Tomatoes, but critics gave it “mixed or average reviews”. CinemaScore polled audiences who gave the film an average grade of “A–” on an A+ to F scale. It may not be the best movie out there, but the star power of the cast, and the comedic aspects of the movie give it plenty of appeal.

What is your favorite Grumpier Old Men quote? Let us know in the comment section below!

Danielle Dahl, Lead Contributor
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