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Hilariously Grouchy ‘Grumpy Old Men’ Quotes

These Grumpy Old Men quotes from the 1993 film probably won’t make you grumpy, but they’re sure to make you laugh!

Starting in 1966, actors Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau were a classic comedy duo, starring in multiple films together. That is until they worked together in the film, Buddy Buddy in 1981. The supposed comedy, directed by Billy Wilder, gained such poor reception that the pair didn’t work together again for more than a decade.

Luckily, when they did reunite, Grumpy Old Men became one of the greatest films in 1993 and was so popular it garnered a sequel, Grumpier Old Men, which came out in 1995.

We hope you love our collection of quotes from the first film, Grumpy Old Men.

30 Hilariously Grouchy ‘Grumpy Old Men’ Quotes

Don’t forget to also check out these ‘Master Of None’ quotes that are totally relatable.

Grumpiest Grumpy Old Men quotes

1. “Why don’t you do the world a favor and take your lower lip and pull it over your head and swallow?” — Max Goldman

2. “Good morning, dickhead.” — Max Goldman

3. “Hello, moron.” — John Gustafson

4. “Up yours, Gustafson.” — Max Goldman

5. “You watch your mouth, you damn Swede.” — Max Goldman

6. “It’s a good thing [Jacob is] his mother’s son. If he looked anything like you, he’d never get on the ballot.” — John Gustafson to Max Goldman

7. “Eat my shorts!” — Max Goldman

8. “You mean the low-life, ass-wipe, egg-sucker John Gustafson?” — Max Goldman

9. “Oh shut up fat ass!” — Max Goldman

Funniest Grumpy Old Men quotes

10. “If I had known I would be doing a nude scene, I’d have asked for another million.” — Max Goldman

11. John Gustafson: “You’re supposed to be smoking filter cigarettes.”

Grandpa Gustafson: “I’m 94 years old. What the hell do I care?”

12. Ariel Truax: “Gay or straight?”

John Gustafson: “Huh?”

Ariel Truax: “Heterosexual or homosexual?”

John Gustafson: “Geez Louise!”

Ariel Truax: “Well, it’s a perfectly legitimate question.”

John Gustafson: “Well, maybe in California, but here in Minnesota… Who-ho-ho-ho!”

13. Max Goldman: “You know what Jacob said. Jacob said that old Billy Henchel was killed in a car crash. Head on collision with a freight truck. Cleared his car straight over the bridge into the Mississippi.”

John Gustafson: “Lucky bastard.”

14. Max: “Your old pal failed you, huh Chuck?”

John: “Ohhhh, couldn’t rise to the occasion?”

Max: “Yes, the spirit was willing…”

John: “Yeah, but the flesh was, uh….”

Max: “Weak! Weak!”

15. John: “Hold on, I’m…I’m not prepared. See, these days, they say you have to do…safe sex.”

Ariel: “John, when was the last time you made love?”

John: “October 4th….1978.”

Ariel: “Oh, I think we’re safe…..”

16. “The man’s crazy. Loco. Always hanging out around those kinky strip bars. You know, the ones where the men take their clothes off. That’s of course if he’s taken his medication.” — Max Goldman

Best Grumpy Old Men quotes and sayings

17. “There are many fish In the sea but you’re the only one I’d want to stuff and mount over my fireplace.” — Max Goldman

18. “When I had my ulcers, I was farting razor blades.” — Max Goldman

19. “Kids; can’t live with them. Can’t shoot ’em.” — Grandpa Gustafson

20. “He started it.” — Max Goldman

21. “Hey dickhead. You win the lottery?” — Max Goldman

22. “We did the horizontal mambo.” — John Gustafson

23. “A stroke’s no damn good; you could end up a vegetable! Give me a cardiac any day.” — John Gustafson

24. John Gustafson: “Did you hear, someone moved into the old Klickner place? A woman.”

Grandpa Gustafson: “A woman?”

John Gustafson: “Yeah.”

Grandpa Gustafson: “Did you mount her?”

John Gustafson: “Ohhh, Dad!”

Grandpa Gustafson: “Well the woman, does she have big thighs?”

John Gustafson: “No!”

Grandpa Gustafson: “No?! Then what’s the problem? If I was a young fella like you, I’d be mounting every woman in Wabasha.”

More Grumpy Old Men quotes and lines

25. “Mmmm… lesbians, yummy!” — Max Goldman

26. “He’s taking the one-eyed monster to the optometrist.” — Grandpa Gustafson

27. “Enjoy your shower, smartass.” — John Gustafson

28. “Hypothermia’s a bitch. It ain’t quick like a stroke.” — Max Goldman

29. John: “Let me remind you Einstein that May was no prize.”

Max: “She was to me!”

John: “I was married to the woman, 20 years. She was no prize!”

Max: “She was to me!”

John: “Yeah, well that’s why you’re a moron! If you ended up with May, you would never had Amy and Amy was a good woman.”

Max: “She was the best.”

John: “She was damn sight more loyal than May ever was.”

30. “You’re trying to steal her away like you did May.” — Max Goldman

Which Grumpy Old Men quote made you laugh the most?

Grumpy Old Men is a film about two old geezers who have hated each other their entire lives and who just happen to be next-door neighbors. When an attractive woman, Ariel, played by Ann-Margret, moves in across the street, the men take their rivalry to the next level by seeing who can woo the lady first.

The film hosts an all-star cast that mixed popular actors from the 1960s with newer ‘90s icons like Daryl Hannah and Kevin Pollack. This enticed newer generations to watch the film, and that, along with the Lemmon-Matthau comedy is what made this film such a success.

We hope you enjoyed these Grumpy Old Men quotes and lines. Let us know your favorite quote in the comments below.

Sckylar Gibby-Brown
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