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Hilariously Grouchy ‘Grumpy Old Men’ Quotes

These Grumpy Old Men quotes from the 1993 film probably won’t make you grumpy, but they’re sure to make you laugh!

Starting in 1966, actors Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau were a classic comedy duo, starring in multiple films together.

That is until they worked together in the film, Buddy Buddy in 1981.

The supposed comedy, directed by Billy Wilder, gained such poor reception that the pair didn’t work together again for more than a decade.

Luckily, when they did reunite, Grumpy Old Men became one of the greatest films in 1993 and was so popular it garnered a sequel, Grumpier Old Men, which came out in 1995.

Mark Steven Johnson wrote the screenplay while Donald Petrie directed the film.

Besides Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau, other cast members include Ann-Margret, Burgess Meredith, Daryl Hannah, Kevin Pollak, Ossie Davis and Buck Henry.

The film generally received positive reviews upon its release.

It was also a commercial success, grossing a total of $80.5 million worldwide, well above its budget of $35 million.

We hope you love our collection of quotes from the first film, Grumpy Old Men.

Don’t forget to also check out these ‘Master Of None’ quotes that are totally relatable.

If you like this article, we suggest you explore our most popular quotes article, a list of short inspirational quotes for daily encouragement. 

Read more related content on our inspirational quotes category page.

Grumpiest Grumpy Old Men quotes

1. “When I had my ulcers, I was farting razor blades.” — Max Goldman

Grumpiest Grumpy Old Men quotes

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2. “Hypothermia’s a bitch. It ain’t quick like a stroke.” — Max Goldman

Grumpy Old Men quotes on Hypothermia's a bitch

3. “Good morning, dickhead.” — Max Goldman

Grumpy Old Men quotes on good morning, dickhead

4. “Hello, moron.” — John Gustafson

Grumpy Old Men quotes about hello, moron

5. “Up yours, Gustafson.” — Max Goldman

Grumpy Old Men quotes on Gustafson

6. “You watch your mouth, you damn Swede.” — Max Goldman

Grumpy Old Men quotes about you watch your mouth, you damn swede

7. “If I had known I would be doing a nude scene, I’d have asked for another million.” — Max Goldman

Grumpy Old Men quotes for another million

8. “Eat my shorts!” — Max Goldman

Grumpy Old Men quotes about eat my shorts

9. “You mean the low-life, ass-wipe, egg-sucker John Gustafson?” — Max Goldman

Grumpy Old Men quotes about the low life

10. “Oh shut up fat ass!” — Max Goldman

Grumpy Old Men quotes about oh shut up fat ass

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Funniest Grumpy Old Men quotes

11. John Gustafson: “You’re supposed to be smoking filter cigarettes.”

Funniest Grumpy Old Men quotes

Grandpa Gustafson: “I’m 94 years old. What the hell do I care?”

12. Ariel Truax: “Gay or straight?”

Grumpy Old Men quotes about gay or straight

John Gustafson: “Huh?”

Ariel Truax: “Heterosexual or homosexual?”

John Gustafson: “Geez Louise!”

Ariel Truax: “Well, it’s a perfectly legitimate question.”

John Gustafson: “Well, maybe in California, but here in Minnesota… Who-ho-ho-ho!”

13. Max Goldman: “You know what Jacob said. Jacob said that old Billy Henchel was killed in a car crash. Head on collision with a freight truck. Cleared his car straight over the bridge into the Mississippi.”

Grumpy Old Men quotes from Max Goldman

John Gustafson: “Lucky bastard.”

14. Max: “Your old pal failed you, huh Chuck?”

John: “Ohhhh, couldn’t rise to the occasion?”

Max: “Yes, the spirit was willing…”

John: “Yeah, but the flesh was, uh….”

Max: “Weak! Weak!”

Grumpy Old Men quotes about your old pal failed you, huh chuck

15. John: “Hold on, I’m…I’m not prepared. See, these days, they say you have to do…safe sex.”

Ariel: “John, when was the last time you made love?”

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John: “October 4th….1978.”

Ariel: “Oh, I think we’re safe…..”

16. “The man’s crazy. Loco. Always hanging out around those kinky strip bars. You know, the ones where the men take their clothes off. That’s of course if he’s taken his medication.” — Max Goldman

Grumpy Old Men quotes about the crazy man

Best Grumpy Old Men quotes and sayings

17. “There are many fish In the sea but you’re the only one I’d want to stuff and mount over my fireplace.” — Max Goldman

Best Grumpy Old Men quotes and saying

18. “Why don’t you do the world a favor and take your lower lip and pull it over your head and swallow?” — Max Goldman

Grumpy Old Men quotes about take your lower lip

19. “Kids; can’t live with them. Can’t shoot ’em.” — Grandpa Gustafson

Grumpy Old Men quotes on kids

20. “He started it.” — Max Goldman

Grumpy Old Men quotes about he started it

21. “Hey dickhead. You win the lottery?” — Max Goldman

Grumpy Old Men quotes about win the lottery

22. “We did the horizontal mambo.” — John Gustafson

Grumpy Old Men quotes about the horizontal mambo
]

23. “A stroke’s no damn good; you could end up a vegetable! Give me a cardiac any day.” — John Gustafson

Grumpy Old Men quotes from John Gustafson

24. John Gustafson: “Did you hear, someone moved into the old Klickner place? A woman.”

Grumpy Old Men quotes about the old Klickner place

Grandpa Gustafson: “A woman?”

John Gustafson: “Yeah.”

Grandpa Gustafson: “Did you mount her?”

John Gustafson: “Ohhh, Dad!”

Grandpa Gustafson: “Well the woman, does she have big thighs?”

John Gustafson: “No!”

Grandpa Gustafson: “No?! Then what’s the problem? If I was a young fella like you, I’d be mounting every woman in Wabasha.”

25. “Mmmm… lesbians, yummy!” — Max Goldman

Which Grumpy Old Men quote made you laugh the most?

Grumpy Old Men is a film about two old geezers who have hated each other their entire lives and who just happen to be next-door neighbors.

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When an attractive woman, Ariel, played by Ann-Margret, moves in across the street, the men take their rivalry to the next level by seeing who can woo the lady first.

The film hosts an all-star cast that mixed popular actors from the 1960s with newer ‘90s icons like Daryl Hannah and Kevin Pollack.

This enticed newer generations to watch the film, and that, along with the Lemmon-Matthau comedy is what made this film such a success.

We hope you enjoyed these Grumpy Old Men quotes and lines.

Let us know your favorite quote in the comments below.

Sckylar Gibby-Brown
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