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50 Seinfeld Quotes to Make You Giggle and Say “Ha”

These Seinfeld quotes offer up advice about dating, having a happy holiday, and even eating habits! Get out of the smelly car and enjoy these sayings!

Jerry Seinfeld is a comedian and star of “Seinfeld.” This show was an American television staple from  1989-1998. We owe so many great quips to this show, like “Yada, Yada, Yada.”

What is the best episode of Seinfeld?

That is a really hard question to answer, but really every episode where Jerry and Elaine interact is hilarious. I am a fan of the Soup Nazi episode.

Check out these Seinfeld quotes from your favorite member of the crew. Whether it was to laugh, learn a life lesson, or just marvel at Kramer, Seinfeld delivered!

Don’t forget to also read these Big Lebowski quotes from the Coen Brothers classic.

Seinfeld quotes about dip, muffins, and other foods

1. “You dipped the chip. You took a bite. And you dipped again. That’s like putting your whole mouth right in the dip! From now on, when you take a chip — just take one dip and end it.” – Timmy

2. “Hey, how come people don’t have dip for dinner? Why is it only a snack, why can’t it be a meal, you know? I don’t understand stuff like that.” – Puddy

3. “It’s the best part. It’s crunchy, it’s explosive, it’s where the muffin breaks free of the pan and sort of does its own thing. I’ll tell you. That’s a million-dollar idea right there. Just sell the tops.” – Elaine

4. “You’re through Soup Nazi. Pack it up. No more soup for you. Next!” – Elaine

5. “Look, I got a few good years left. If I want a Chip Ahoy, I’m having it.” – Morty 

6. “Hunger will make people do amazing things. I mean, the proof of that is cannibalism.” – Jerry

7. “Look to the cookie, Elaine!”– Jerry

8. “Boy, these pretzels are makin’ me thirsty.” –Kramer

9. “I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me.” –Jerry 

10. “I can’t do this anymore, it’s too long! Just tell your stupid story about the stupid desert and just die already! Die!” – Elaine

Smelly Seinfeld Quotes

11. “Can you die from an odor? I mean, like if you were locked in a vomitorium for two weeks, could you actually die from the odor?” – Elaine

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12. “You know, I got a great idea for a cologne. ‘The Beach’. You spray it on and you smell like you just came home from the beach.” – Kramer

13. “Human, it’s human to be moved by a fragrance.” – Kramer

14. “Do I smell something? What am I, hard of smelling? Of course, I smell something”  – Elaine

15. “So, when somebody has B.O., the O usually stays with the B. Once the B leaves, the O goes with it.” – Jerry

16. “Say you got a big job interview, and you’re a little nervous. Well, throwback a couple shots of Hennigan’s and you’ll be as loose as a goose and ready to roll in no time. And because it’s odorless, why, it will be our little secret.” – Kramer

Also check out these Ron Burgundy quotes that will make you laugh out loud.

Seinfeld quotes about bras, sex, and dating

17. “You have the chicken, the hen, and the rooster. The chicken goes with the hen… So who is having sex with the rooster?” – Frank 

18. “Sex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that’s heavy. That’s like an hour.” – Jerry

19. “Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don’t stare at it. It’s too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.” – Jerry

20. “That’s the bra I gave her, she’s wearing it as a top! The woman is walking around in broad daylight with nothing but a bra on. She’s a menace to society.” – Elaine

21. “People on dates shouldn’t even be allowed out in public.” – Jerry

22. “Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship.” – George

23. “I spend so much time trying to get their clothes off, I never thought of taking mine off.” – George

24. “How long it takes to find a bra? What’s going on in there? You ask me to get a pair of underwear, I’m back in two seconds…you know about the cup sizes and all? They have different cups.” – Frank 

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25. “I’m not a lesbian. I hate men, but I’m not a lesbian.” –Elaine 

26. “I have a bad feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me they think ‘That’s why I’m not a heterosexual.’” –George 

27. “I don’t trust the guy. I think he regifted, then he de-gifted, and now he’s using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Super Bowl sex romp.” –Jerry 

28. “I’d rather be dating the blind. You know you could let the house go. You could let yourself go. A good-looking blind woman doesn’t even know you’re not good enough for her.” – George
If you’re enjoying these quotes, you’ll love our collection of dating quotes about modern day romance.

29. “She dumped me! She rolled right over me! Said I was a hipster doofus. Am I a hipster doofus?” – Kramer

30. “A bra is for ladies. I’m talking about a support undergarment specifically designed for men.” – Kramer

You might also like these memorable Monty Python and the Holy Grail quotes.

Random Seinfeld quotes

31. “What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses—like they’re trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?” – Jerry

32. “I will never understand the bathrooms in this country. Why is it that the doors on the stalls do not come all the way down to the floor?” – George

33. “Why do I always have the feeling that everybody’s doing something better than me on Saturday afternoons?” – Jerry

34. “Tuesday has no feel. Monday has a feel, Friday has a feel, Sunday has a feel…” – Newman

35. “Hey! So what’s the deal with brunch? I mean that if it’s a combination of breakfast and lunch, how comes there’s no ‘lupper’ or no ‘linner’?” – Jeannie

36. “I love a good nap. Sometimes it’s the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning.” – George

37. “Fake! Fake! Fake! Fake!” – Elaine

38. “I can’t stand kids. Adults think it’s so wonderful how honest kids are. I don’t need that kind of honesty. I’ll take a deceptive adult over an honest kid any day.” – George

39. “What is it about sleep that makes you so thirsty? Do dreams require liquid? It’s not like I’m running a marathon, I’m just lying there.” – Jerry

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40. “Moles — freckles’ ugly cousin.” – Kramer

41. “George, we’ve had it with you. Understand? We love you like a son, but even parents have limits.” – Frank Costanza

42. “When you look annoyed all the time, people think that you’re busy.” – George

Don’t forget to also read these hilarious quotes from Dwight Schrute.

Seinfeld quotes about the holidays, money, and charitable deeds

43. “But out of that, a new holiday was born. A FESTIVUS FOR THE REST-OF-US.” – Frank 

44. “See, this is what the holidays are all about. Three buddies sitting around chewing gum. “–Kramer

45. “That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by other people than me.”– Jerry

46. “A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund. What is that?” – Jerry

47. “When George was growing up his father hated all the commercial religious aspects of Christmas, so he made up his own holiday.” – Jerry

48. “Stop it. It’s nothing. It’s a stupid holiday my father invented. It doesn’t exist.” – George

49. “People don’t turn down money! It’s what separates us from the animals.” – Jerry

50. “What could possess anyone to throw a party? I mean, to have a bunch of strangers treat your house like a hotel room.” – Jerry

You might also like these neurotic George Costanza quotes about nothing.

Did you enjoy these Seinfeld quotes?

It has been said that Seinfeld marketed itself as a “show about nothing”, and yet to a generation of 90’s young adults it taught us so much about everything!

Was there a character that resonated with you back then? Is it the same one you relate to now? Hopefully, these Seinfeld quotes brought you back to a nostalgic place and reminded you that you can screen your phone calls, and there is nothing wrong with that!

Did you find a quote that would make even George’s mother laugh? Do you have an all-time favorite Seinfeld episode? Share your favorite Seinfeld quote or episode, in the comment section below!

Danielle Dahl, Lead Contributor
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