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The 40-Year-Old Virgin Quotes From The 2005 Comedy

Sure, some of these The 40-Year-Old Virgin quotes are a little raunchy, but the movie actually has a lot of insightful and heartwarming scenes. After all, it would be a horrible movie if the characters were just jerks trying to get their friend laid.

Instead, the movie focuses on the budding relationship between Andy and Trish, that doesn’t involve them immediately having sex. Trish has no idea, that the shy and introverted man she is dating is actually a 40-year-old virgin.

Many of the other characters like David, Cal, and Mooj, might be more experienced and crass, but they are also dealing with their own relationship struggles. These hardships make them a bit more endearing as characters (and give us some hilarious quotes).

The movie stars Steve Carell (Andy), Paul Rudd (David), and Seth Rogan (Cal). With this all-star funny cast and the subject matter of the film, you will likely be laughing the whole way through!

Keep reading through these The 40-Year-Old Virgin quotes for a good time. However, you might not want to read them aloud at work, or in front of small children!

Don’t forget to also check out our list of The Simpsons quotes you can’t help but enjoy.

The 40-Year-Old Virgin quotes from Andy (the virgin)

1. “I may not have had sex, but I can fuck you up.” — Andy

2. “It’s a Mentos. They’re the fresh-maker.” — Andy

3. “I hope you got a big trunk ’cause I’m putting my bike in it.” — Andy

4. “I’m a virgin. I always have been.” — Andy

5. “You know how when you grab a woman’s breast… it feels like… a bag of sand.” — Andy

6. “Hold my god damn hand, man!” — Andy

7. “You know what? I don’t have to answer to you, you ain’t my bitch! Know what I sayin’? So, shit, man… fuck it!” — Andy

8. “You know what? I respect women! I love women! I respect them so much that I completely stay away from them!” — Andy

9. “ She had hands as big as Andre the Giant’s, and she had an Adam’s apple as big as her balls.” — Andy

10. “Who the… Who the fuck are you to put me on trial? I’ve never even met you. So why don’t you back the shit off, all right? And stop with the inquisition.” — Andy

The 40-Year-Old Virgin quotes from Cal

11. “I don’t wanna end up a lampshade in some creepy apartment.” — Cal

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12. “You know how I know *you’re* gay? You just told me you’re not sleeping with women any more.” — Cal

13. “When I was growing pot, I realized that the more seeds I planted, the more pot I could ultimately smoke.” — Cal

14. “You should totally tell her, man. ‘Cause I watched this movie called Liar, Liar and the message was “Don’t lie.” And that was a smart movie.” — Cal

15. “Ghandi baked is good. I always feel bad when I watch it baked because I get really hungry and I’m eating a lot and poor Gandhi is starving his ass off.” — Cal

16. “OK, we just take everything that’s embarrassing and we move it out of here so it doesn’t look like you live in Neverland Ranch.” — Cal

17. “Why?! Seriously! I mean, look at this place, man. You gotta see this through the eyes of a woman, you know? What is she going to think when she comes in here? “Look! He’s got a billion toys!” — Cal

18. “There are three rules when it comes to talking to women. Number one: Ask questions, don’t say anything, because women, all they wanna do is talk about themselves so you’re just gonna let them do that. Two: Be cool. And, three, be kind of a dick. Look. Be like David Caruso in Jade.” — Cal

19. “I hired a 90-lb girl to work in the stock room at Smart Tech for you, okay? I should’ve hired a 300-lb guy to lift the 60-inch flat screen, but instead I hired a hot girl who can’t lift an iPod to bring you out of your funk.” — Cal

20. “Screw these analogies, OK? What he’s saying is that you are gonna be so bad at sex the first time that you don’t wanna have sex with someone you like, ’cause they’ll think you’re a weirdo for being so lame at it.” — Cal

The 40-Year-Old Virgin quotes from David

21. “No, I’m not gay. I’m just celibate.” — David

22. “I love your sweater. Does that come in a V-neck?” — David

23. “Y’know, I always thought that Matt Damon was like a Streisand, but he’s rocking the shit in this one!” — David

24. “Andy for the last time, I don’t want your giant box of pornography!” — David

25. “Uncool? Uncool is trying to give an honest man a big box of porn, Andy!” — David

26. “Dude, you look like a man-o-lantern.” — David

27. “You know how I know you’re gay? You have a rainbow bumper sticker on your car that says, ‘I like it when balls are in my face’.” — David

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28. “I would rather listen to Fran Drescher for eight hours than have to listen to Michael McDonald. Nothing against him, but if I hear “Yah Mo B There” one more time, I’m going to “Yah Mo” burn this place to the ground.” — David

29. “I went out with this girl for four months and it was the greatest greatest thing in my life. Until she went down on this guy in an Escalade, I think. And, you know, instead of, like, saying, ‘Okay, what am I doing that caused this behavior?’ I dumped her. Stupid decision. I spent the last two years of my life regretting it.” — David

30. “I gotta tell you something. I’m really excited about it. Uh, for the first time today, I woke up, I came to the store, and I feel confident to say to you that if you don’t take this Michael McDonald DVD that you’ve been playing for two years straight off, I’m going to kill everyone in the store and put a bullet in my brain.” — David

The 40-Year-Old Virgin quotes from Mooj

31. “ Hey Andy, don’t let him bother you. It’s okay not to have sex. Not everybody’s a pussy magnet.” — Mooj

32. “Life is about people. It’s about connections.” — Mooj

33. “It’s not about these rusty trombones, and these dirty sanchez.” — Mooj

34. “ Everybody dick look big on 60-inch TV, my sister’s dick look big on TV.” — Mooj

35. “Holy shit, man, you got to get on that!” — Mooj

36. “Hey, hey! You’re fucking with the wrong sand nigga!” — Mooj

37. “This is the bullshit of all bullshit!” — Mooj

38. “Rich man gets off work, then buys stereo. Not after fucking brunch!” — Mooj

39. “Tell me something, when your child is born, is he already on parole?” — Mooj

40. “ Let’s stay inside so everybody can see what a pussy you have, okay? Because when I remove the blade I keep in my boot from its sheath, I cannot return it until it has spilt blood.” — Mooj

The 40-Year-Old Virgin quotes from other characters

41. “I moved, I changed my email address, my phone number. Okay? He’s practically stalking me.” — Amy

42. “I am not a whore! I just didn’t like you!” — Amy

43. “I’m very discreet. But, I’ll haunt your dreams.” — Paula

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44. “What is this, your roofie? Your date drug?” — Trish

45. “We have a great section of do-it-yourself.” — Beth

46. “I’m throwing myself at you and all you can think about are fucking toys.” — Beth

47. “Dude, it’s not big deal if you like to fuck guys. I’m cool, I got friends who fuck guys… in jail.” — Jay

48. “So, tell me, Montel. Why weren’t we invited to the party? What are we, Al Qaeda?” — Haziz

49. “Are you at the top of a tall building? Can you get to a roof quickly? Jump off! I mean, you people are sick.” — Trish

50. “All you got to do is use your instincts. How do you think a lion knows to tackle a gazelle? It’s written, it’s a code written in his DNA, says: ‘tackle the gazelle’. And believe it or not, in every man there’s a code written that says: ‘tackle drunk bitches’.” — Jay

Is The 40-Year-Old Virgin vulgar or brilliant?

After a series of wild and comical events, Andy, the 40-year-old virgin finds love. Later on in the film, after the wedding, he and Trish eventually have sex! Finally.

The other characters in the film also seem to work out most of their issues, and everyone has a relatively happy ending. The movie was also a smash hit, which was great since it was Steve Carell’s first leading role.

It was also Judd Apatow’s directorial debut. Apatow got the idea for the film when he worked with Carell on Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. Apatow and Carell actually co-wrote the film together.

The ending gave them a bit of trouble until actor Gary Shandling put in his two cents. He suggested it would be important to show that Andy was having better sex because he was in love. This is the reason we see all the growth between Andy and Trish. Instead of directly showing the sex scene, they decided to have Andy sing and cast members perform a musical number.

Details like this are reasons this movie is insightful and endearing instead of a total bomb. The movie is often referred to as one of the best comedies of the 2000s and was a hit back in the day at the box office.

Were you a fan of The 40-Year-Old Virgin? Or did you find it simply vulgar and offensive? Let us know in the comment section below.

Danielle Dahl, Lead Contributor
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