These hilarious Talladega Nights quotes will make you feel like a winner.
From the duo that brought you Anchorman and Step Brothers, Will Ferrell and Adam McKay are known for writing ridiculous characters who spit out quotable one-liners. It’s no different for their film, Talladega Nights.
This classic comedy shows us the Ballad of Ricky Bobby, A NASCAR star who needs to learn a bit of humility. Will Farrell and John C. Reilly provide hysterical performances as NASCAR winning and NASCAR second place (which, if we’re honest, is the same thing as last) drivers.
These winning Talladega Nights quotes are sure to make you laugh. And if you need even more laughter, be sure to also check out our collection of Dave Chappelle quotes and these hilarious quotes from the movie Elf.
Talladega Nights quotes on winning
1.) “If you ain’t first, you’re last.” — Ricky Bobby
2.) “You gotta learn to drive with the fear, and there ain’t nothing more God damn frightening than driving with a live cougar in the car.” — Reese Bobby
3.) “Here’s the deal—I’m the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.” — Ricky Bobby
4.) “Hey, Jamie! Losing’s never fun, but here’s a little something to pick your spirits up… (flips the finger) It’s real nice…I got it at Target…it was on sale.” —Ricky Bobby
5.) “Ricky, remember: The field mouse is fast, but the owl sees at night.” — Chip
Talladega Nights quotes on being thankful
6.) “Dear Lord Baby Jesus, or as our brothers to the south call you, Jesús, we thank you so much for this bountiful harvest of Domino’s, KFC, and the always delicious Taco Bell. I just want to take time to say thank you for my family, my two beautiful, beautiful, handsome, striking sons, Walker and Texas Ranger, or T.R. as we call him, and of course, my red-hot smoking wife, Carly who is a stone-cold fox.” — Ricky Bobby
If you’re enjoying these quotes, make sure to read our collection of Step Brothers quotes from the hit comedy.
7.) “Dear Lord baby Jesus, lyin’ there in your ghost manger, just lookin’ at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin’ ’bout shapes and colors. I would like to thank you for bringin’ me and my mama together, and also that my kids no longer sound like retarded gang-bangers.” — Ricky Bobby
Talladega Nights quotes on life
8.) “No one lives forever, no one. But with advances in modern science and my high-level income, it’s not crazy to think I can live to be 245, maybe 300.” — Ricky Bobby
9.) “Like the frightened baby chipmunk, you are scared by anything that is different.” — Jean Girard
10.) “I wet my bed until I was nineteen. There’s no shame in that.” — Cal Naughton, Jr.
11.) “You’ve gotta cross over the anger bridge and come back to the friendship shore.” — Cal Naughton Jr.
Talladega Nights quotes that will make you laugh
12.) “We go together like cocaine and waffles.” — Cal Naughton Jr.
13.) “Are we about to get it on? Because I’m as hard as a diamond in an ice storm right now.” — Ricky Bobby
14.) “When you work on your mysterious lady parts and stuff, you need the right tools too. That’s why you should use [is tossed a box of tampons] Maypax. The official tampon of NASCAR.” — Ricky Bobby
15.) “I like to picture my Jesus in a tuxedo T-shirt. ‘Cause it says like, I wanna be formal but I’m here to party too. I like to party, so I like my Jesus to party.” — Cal Naughton, Jr.
16.) “You don’t understand. You don’t understand because you don’t understand liberty. You don’t understand freedom. So, you put a crack in my arm like the crack in the Liberty Bell! You hear me?” — Ricky Bobby
17.) “Well, let me give you a saying from Colonel Sanders. I am too drunk to taste this chicken.” — Ricky Bobby
18.) “I like to think of Jesus as an Ice Dancer, dressed in an all-white jumpsuit, and doing an interpretive dance of my life.” — Cal Naughton, Jr.
19.) “Daddy, you made that grace your b*tch.” — Walker Bobby
20.) “Old man, I’m gonna come at you like a spider monkey!” — Texas Ranger
If you’re a Will Farrell fan, be sure to also read these funny quotes from Ron Burgundy.
Talladega Nights quotes that will turn you into a champion
21. “Did that blow your mind? Because that just happened!” – Ricky Bobby
22. “I don’t know what to do with my hands.” – Ricky Bobby
23. “I’m all jacked up on mountain dew!” – Texas Ranger
24. “Aaaaah, Ricky Bobby! Now we shall dance. And yes, it will be a slow jam.” – Jean Girard
25. [to the crew as they are speed-changing a customer’s tire] “Guys! No tires! We’re not a pit crew anymore, we’re a car wash team.” – Lucius Washington
26. “I’m just a big hairy American winning machine, you know?” – Ricky Bobby
27. “I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo T-shirt because it says I want to be formal, but I’m here to party.” – Cal Naughton, Jr.
28. “Wow. I feel like I’m in Highlander!” – Ricky Bobby
29. “Why do you want me to break your arm so badly?” – Jean Girard
30. “You can’t have two No. 1s.” – Ricky Bobby
Talladega Nights quotes that will make your day better
31. “I’m not sure what to do with my hands.” – Ricky Bobby
32. “We keep it on there for profiling purposes! We’ve also got The Pet Shop Boys and Seal.” — Bartender
33. “Help me Jesus! Help me Jewish God! Help me Allah! AAAAAHHH! Help me Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me!” – Ricky Bobby
34. “What is that, a catchphrase or is that epilepsy?” — Jean Girard
35. “From now on, you’re the Magic Man and I’m El Diablo.” – Ricky Bobby
36. “Don’t you put that evil on me, Ricky Bobby!” — Lucius Washington
37. “It won the Academy Award… Best movie ever made.” – Ricky Bobby
38. “From now on, it’s Magic Man and El Diablo.” — Ricky Bobby
39. “I threw a bunch of Grandpa Chip’s war medals off the bridge.” — Walker
40. “One of you turds is gonna get smacked in the mouth!” – Texas Ranger
If you’re enjoying these quotes, make sure to read our collection of hilarious Minion quotes from the movie.
Favorite Talladega Nights quotes
41. “Hi, I’m Ricky Bobby. If you don’t chew Big Red, then bleep you.” – Ricky Bobby
42. “Shake and bake!” — Cal Naughton Jr.
43. “Dear 8 pounds 6 ounces… newborn infant Jesus, don’t even know a word yet.” – Ricky Bobby
44. “I spread my butt cheeks as Mike Honcho.” — Cal Naughton Jr.
45. “I hope that both of you have sons… Handsome, beautiful, articulate sons, who are talented and star athletes and they have their legs taken away. I mean I pray you know that pain and that hurt.” – Ricky Bobby
46. “Chew big red, or get out of my face motherf*cker.” — Ricky Bobby
47. “This sticker is dangerous and inconvenient, but I do love Fig Newtons.” – Ricky Bobby
48. “Why, if it isn’t our mangy, transient grandfather.” – Texas Ranger
49. “I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo t-shirt, cause it says, like, I want to be formal but I want to party too. Cause I like to party, so I like my Jesus to party.” — Cal Naughton Jr.
50. “Hey, shut up you little pot-licker, I’ll stick you in a microwave!” – Reese Bobby
Talladega Nights quotes for all the fans
51. “My husband Gregory And I want what any couple wants. To retire to Stockholm And develop a currency for dogs And cats to use.” — Jean Girard
52. “I came here to tell you one thing: come race time tomorrow, I’m coming for you.” – Ricky Bobby
53. “Will You be my… Katie Couric?” — Jean Girard
54. “But before I can do that I must be beaten by a driver who is truly better than me.” – Jean Girard
55. “Girard is sitting on the pole, which is a statement of fact And in no way a comment on his sexual orientation.” — PA Announcer
56. “May God be with you, Monsieur Bobby. Because although today I am friendly. Tomorrow will be war!” – Jean Girard
57. “I sent in my application to The Real World, so I’m hoping to hear back from that. I’m putting a lot of my eggs into that basket, the MTV basket. I’m also thinking about getting a gun, And dealing crack. Being a crack dealer. Not, like, a mean crack dealer, but like… like a nice one. Kinda friendly, like, “Hey, what’s up guys? You want some crack?”. I’m just waiting on those two things to just kinda flesh themselves out.” — Ricky Bobby
58. “There’s nothing more frightening than driving with a live goddamn cougar next to you.”
— Reese Bobby
59. “I hope that both of You have sons… Handsome, beautiful, articulate sons, who are talented And star athletes And they have their legs taken away. I mean I pray for You to know that pain And that hurt.” — Ricky Bobby
60. “Bon. So, what if you just said: ‘I love really thin pancakes’? That is a fair compromise, no?” –Jean Girard
More Talladega Nights quotes and lines
61. “Susan, I’ve never heard You talk like that… Are we about to get it on? Because I’m as hard as a diamond in an ice storm right now.” — Ricky Bobby
62. “My husband Gregory and I want only that what every other couple wants: to tame komodo dragons in Sri Lanka and teach them to perform Hamlet, but before I can do that…” – Jean Girard
If you’re enjoying these quotes, make sure to read our collection of Hamlet quotes from the iconic play.
63. “Hang on, Baby Jesus, this is gon’ get bumpy!” — Ricky Bobby
64. “Best movie ever made. Look I came here to tell you tomorrow I’m coming for you.” – Ricky Bobby
65. “Look, I like the Christmas Jesus best, And I’m sayin’ grace. When You say grace, You can say it to Grownup Jesus or Teenage Jesus or Bearded Jesus or whoever You want.” — Ricky Bobby
66. “Well let me just quote the late-great Colonel Sanders, who said…’I’m too drunk to taste this chicken.’”— Ricky Bobby
67. “No, I don’t know what that means, I guess longer lives.” — Lucius Washington
68. “One of you turds is about to get smacked in the mouth!” – Texas Ranger
69. “Is that a catchphrase or epilepsy?” — Jean Girard
70. “You better shut the hell up or I’ll come over there and rip a hole in that tent!” – Texas Ranger
Which hysterical quote from Talladega Nights is your favorite?
If you’re a fan of Will Farrell, Talladega Nights is probably near the top of your favorite movie list. The film is bursting with outrageous one-liners, bizarre characters, and hilarious antics.
So, whether Talladega Nights is a film you’ve seen one time or a hundred times, we hope these quotes made you laugh. Keep these Talladega Nights quotes in mind the next time you need to feel like a winner.
February 9, 2021 6:00 AM EST