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National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation Quotes From the Holiday Comedy

These funny National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation quotes are funny, and will take you back to Christmas in the 80s and have you rolling on the floor!

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation is a 1989 American family comedy film, and the third installment in the magazine’s Vacation film series, written by John Hughes. Hughes based the film on his short story, “Christmas ’59”, which was published in National Lampoon.

Did you know that National Lampoon was a magazine; I always thought it was just the name of these movies! The American humor magazine that ran from 1970 to 1998, and spawned several movies, radio programs, live theater, and even books!

My husband, like many other people, considers National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation to be a classic Christmas movie. The movie starts with Chicago-area resident Clark Griswold’s determination to have a great Christmas with his entire family. A pretty typical American quest around the holidays, however, it doesn’t work out the way he envisions!

Keep reading these National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation quotes from Cousin Eddie, Aunt Bethany, and the rest of the Griswold gang!

Don’t forget to also check out these Polar Express quotes that will make you believe again.

Funny quotes from National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

1. “I’m sorry, this is our family’s first kidnapping.” — Ellen Griswold

2. “What is it? A letter confirming your reservation at the nuthouse?” — Grandpa Art

3. “You couldn’t hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.” — Uncle Lewis

4. “Wouldn’t be the holiday shopping season if the stores weren’t hooter than they—hotter than they are.” — Clark

5. “I hope nobody I know drives by and sees me standing in the yard staring at the house in my pajamas.” — Audrey

6. “I love it here. You don’t gotta put on your coat to go to the bathroom, and your house is always parked in the same place!” — Ruby Sue

7. “When Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse!” — Clark

8. “Get me somebody, anybody. And get me somebody while I’m waiting.” — Frank Shirley

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Best National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation quotes from cousin Eddie

9. “Better take a rain check on that, Art- He’s got a lip fungus they ain’t identified yet.” — Cousin Eddie

10. “You ain’t never seen a set on a dog like this one’s got, Clark.” — Cousin Eddie

11. “And if it wouldn’t be too much, I’d like to get something for you, Clark… something real nice.” — Cousin Eddie

12. “If only I had that money Catherine and I gave to that TV preacher who was screwin that hockey player.” — Cousin Eddie

13. “If that thing had nine lives, he just spent ‘em all.” — Cousin Eddie

14. “I don’t know if I should do sailing down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brain but a piece of government plastic.” — Cousin Eddie

15. “Save the neck for me, Clark.” — Cousin Eddie

16. “Merry Christmas! Sh*tter was full!” — Cousin Eddie

17. “They had to replace my metal plate with a plastic one. Every time Catherine would rev up the microwave, I’d piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour.” — Cousin Eddie

18. “You about ready to do some kissin’?” — Cousin Eddie

19. “Clark, I’d like to try to fumigate this here chair, it’s a good quality item. If you don’t mind my askin’, how much did she set you back?” — Cousin Eddie

20. “That right there is a RV, I got it off my buddy, and I sold him my house for that right there vehicle.” — Cousin Eddie

21. “She falls down a well, her eyes go cross. She gets kicked by a mule. They go back. I don’t know.” — Cousin Eddie

22. “Last season he was a pixie dust speaker on the Tilt-A-Whirl. He thinks that next year he’ll be guessing people’s weight or barkin’ for the yak lady.” — Cousin Eddie

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation quotes from Aunt Bethany

23. “Is your house on fire, Clark?” — Aunt Bethany

24. “Don’t throw me down, Clark.” — Aunt Bethany

25. “Oh dear, did I break wind?” — Aunt Bethany

26. “Is Rusty still in the navy?” — Aunt Bethany

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27. “What’s that sound? You hear it? It’s a funny squeaky sound.” — Aunt Bethany

28. Aunt Bethany: “Grace? She passed away thirty years ago.”

Uncle Lewi: “They want you to say Grace…. The BLESSING!”

Aunt Bethany: “I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.”

29. “Is this the airport, Clark?” — Aunt Bethany

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation quotes from Clark Griswold

30. “Looks great. Little full, lotta sap.” — Clark Griswold

31. “Eat my rubber!” — Clark Griswold

32. “This isn’t charity; it’s family.” — Clark Griswold

33. “Hey kids, look! A deer!” — Clark Griswold

34. “Hallelujah! Holy sh*t! Where’s the Tylenol?” — Clark Griswold

35. “We’re gonna have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas.” — Clark Griswold

36. “Surprised, Eddie?… If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised.” — Clark Griswold

37. “Yes, it’s a bit nipply out, I mean nippy out.” — Clark Griswold

38. “Worse?! How could things get any worse? Take a look around you, Ellen! We’re at the threshold of hell!!” — Clark Griswold

39. “Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?” — Clark Griswold

40. “Where do you think you’re going? Nobody’s leaving. Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We’re all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here.” — Clark Griswold

41. “Oh, the silent majesty of a winter’s morn; the clean, cool chill of the holiday air; and an a**hole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer.” — Clark Griswold

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation quotes from the rest of the Griswold family

42. “Your grandma’s got a real painful bur on her heel. If you rub it for me, I’ll give you a whole quarter!” — Grandma Griswold

43. “Clark, were stuck under a truck!” — Ellen Griswold

44. “Think you might be overdoing it, Dad?” — Rusty Griswold

45. “We’re not driving all the way out here so you can get one of those stupid ties with the Santa Clauses on it, are we, Dad?”  Audrey Griswold

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46. “I don’t want to spend the holidays DEAD!”  Ellen Griswold

47. “Hey Gris, you’re not doing anything constructive. Run into the living room and get my stogey.” — Uncle Lewis

48. “Oh, woo. Look at the time. I gotta get to bed. I still gotta brush my teeth, feed the hog, still got some homework to do, still got those bills to pay, wash the car…” — Rusty Griswold

49. “I don’t know what to say, except it’s Christmas and we’re all in misery.”  Ellen Griswold

50. “Our Father, who art in Heaven. Hallowed by thy name. And forgive my husband, he knows not what he does.” — Ellen Griswold

Which of these National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation quotes is your favorite?

Some great moments from the movie include their mission to find the perfect tree. Clark gathers his wife Ellen, daughter Audrey, and son Rusty and drives out to the country to find one. They trudge through the snow for hours, and Clark picks out the largest tree he can find.

However, he realizes they didn’t bring any tools, and the family uproots the entire tree, strapping it to their car. Then there is the bickering amongst them all and the 25,000 light debacle. Christmas Eve dinner is a mess, and Aunt Bethany’s cat gets electrocuted! It’s no wonder it was the highest-grossing film in the series, until Vacation premiered in 2015.

Moments like this keep the audience laughing and thinking of their own holiday mishaps. For me, that would be when I set the glass pyrex pan full of sweet potatoes on the hot stove, and it exploded like a bomb in my kitchen. It’s why this movie is so relatable. There is no such thing as a perfect holiday, and we all have a story!

Tell us about the funniest thing that has happened to you over the holidays, that seems movie-worthy! Don’t forget to also mention any other favorite National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation quotes and lines.

Danielle Dahl, Lead Contributor
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