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50 Ted Lasso Quotes From the American Sports Comedy

These Ted Lasso quotes will make you laugh, and inspire you to keep your head up when life gets challenging.

Ted Lasso is an American comedy series that can be watched on Apple Tv+. It chronicles the misadventures of a small-time football coach.

Is Ted Lasso’s character based on a real person? He is a fictional character but actor Sudeikis has stated that some story beats were inspired by Jürgen Klopp, who is a real-life Liverpool FC manager.

Ted Lasso, who coaches a small college football team is hired to coach a professional soccer team in England, even though he has no previous experience coaching soccer. Ted is clearly out of his element and is learning things about soccer as he goes, which contributes to the humor of the show.

At the same time, the vulnerability and life struggles give each character depth and heart, making them feel real. This show is definitely worth the watch, and has been green-lit for season 2!

Don’t forget to also check out these Coach Carter quotes from the inspiring sports drama.

The best Ted Lasso quotes about coaching and sports

1. “In my mind, you gotta have three things to be a Premier League team. One, you gotta play physical, two, you gotta give 100 percent until the final whistle, and three, you gotta be sponsored by a Middle-Eastern airline.” — Ted Lasso

2. “Ties and no playoffs? Why do you even do this?” — Ted Lasso

3. “Coach. Football is life.” — Ted Lasso

4. “When it comes to locker rooms, I like ’em just like my mother’s bathing suits. I only wanna see ’em in one piece.” — Ted Lasso

5. “For me, success is not about the wins and losses. It’s about helping these young fellas be the best versions of themselves on and off the field.” — Ted Lasso

6. “Come on Rob! You gotta get it in there to get three points!” — Ted Lasso

7. “Will you explain to me how that was offside? No! I’m asking you. Seriously! Explain offside to me. It makes no sense.” — Ted Lasso

8. “I think I literally have a better understanding of who killed Kennedy than what is offside. It was the mob.” — Ted Lasso

9. “If God would have wanted games to end in a tie, she wouldn’t have invented numbers.” — Ted Lasso

10. “Because he’s the one, coach. If we’re gonna make an impact here, the first domino needs to fall right inside of that man’s heart.” — Ted Lasso

11. Coach: “Manchester United. Super rich. Everyone either loves them or hates them.”

Lasso: “Dallas Cowboys.”

Coach: “Liverpool. Used to be great. Haven’t won a title in a really long time.”

Lasso: “Also the Dallas Cowboys.”

Funny Ted Lasso quotes

12. “Early drinkin’ means quick drunken.” — Ted Lasso

13. “How many countries are in this country?” — Ted Lasso

14. “That right there, that’s a scone. Tastes like a muffin except it sucks all the spit out of your mouth.” — Ted Lasso

15. Rebecca: “Oh, do you believe in ghosts, Ted?”

Ted: “I do. But more importantly, I believe they need to believe in themselves.”

16. “I’m not exactly sure what y’all’s smallest unit of measurement is over here, but that’s about how much headway I made.” — Ted Lasso

17. “Well then by all means you should let them control you!” — Ted Lasso

18. “We’re gonna try it on and see if it fits. It might not. Then again, it might be a very flattering silhouette. I might wear it right out of the store. Makes me feel good, start to strut. Oooh, I like this. I like the way this makes me feel.” — Ted Lasso

19. “Roy, I learned two pretty big lessons on the rough and tumble playgrounds of Bookridge Elementary School. One, if little Ronnie Fouch offers you a candy bar, you immediately say no and get the hell out of there cause there’s a good chance that little son of a gun has pooped inside of a Butterfinger wrapper. No one ever saw him do it, but a couple people ate it. Number two, teacher tells a bully not to pick on someone, it’s just gonna make it worse.” — Ted Lasso

20. George: “I love what you done with the place. Did you do it yourself, or did you get some pouf to help ya?”

Rebecca: “I could ask the same of your hair.”

21. “Siri! Call shithead!”  Rebecca

22. Rebecca: “Oh, that’s not a compliment I’ve had before.”

Keeley: “Yeah, you do have perfect, action-figurey arms.”

Rebecca: “Oh, there’s another one.”

23. Rebecca: “So, I spoke to the owner of The Sun.”

Ted: “You spoke to God?!”

Rebecca: “No, the newspaper.”

24. “I feel like I just fell out of the lucky tree, hit every branch on the way down, and ended up in a pool of cash and sour patch kids.” — Ted Lasso

25. “I’m looking forward to the definition of relegation.” — Ted Lasso

26. “Yeah, I’d love to see Abbey Road.” — Ted Lasso

27. “If we see each other in our dreams, let’s goof around a little bit, pretend like we don’t know each other.” — Ted Lasso

28. “Um, agree to disagree. I find it hilarious. I thought it’s funny than Step Brothers.”  Roy

29. “You beating yourself up is like Woody Allen playing the clarinet… I don’t want to hear it!” — Ted Lasso

30. “It’s a joke. Unfortunately for you, though, no one thinks it’s funny.” — Jamie

Life advice and other inspirational Ted Lasso quotes

31. “Hey, takin’ on a challenge is a lot like ridin’ a horse. If you’re comfortable while you’re doin’ it, you’re probably doin’ it wrong.” — Ted Lasso

32. “You know what the happiest animal in the world is? It’s a goldfish. It’s got a 10-second memory. Be a goldfish!” — Ted Lasso

33. “All right, fellas, you gotta remember, your body is like day-old rice. If it ain’t warmed up properly, something real bad could happen.” — Ted Lasso

34. “I think if you care about someone and you got a little love in your heart, there ain’t nothin you can’t get through together.” — Ted Lasso

35. “I promise you, there is something worse out there than being sad. And that is being alone and being sad. Ain’t no one in this room alone.” — Ted Lasso

36. “Don’t let the wisdom of age be wasted on you.” — Ted Lasso

37. “I’ll say this though, I really enjoyed getting to spend this time with you, Trent.” — Ted Lasso

38. “Smells like potential.” — Ted Lasso

39. “That’s the funny thing about coincidences, ain’t it? Sometimes they just happen.” — Ted Lasso

40. “I have a real tricky time hearing folks that don’t believe in themselves.” — Ted Lasso

41. “I believe in hope. I believe in believe.” — Ted Lasso

42. “See? What’d I tell you, huh? This woman right here is strong, confident, and powerful. Boss, I tell ya, I’d hate to see you and Michelle Obama arm wrestle, but I wouldn’t be able to take my eyes off it, either.” — Ted Lasso

Ted Lasso quotes about tea

43. “If you would have told me that I’d be drinking tea at three o’clock everyday … about a year ago … I would have punched you in the mouth.” — Ted Lasso

44. Rebecca: “How do you take your tea?”

Ted: “Well, normally right back to the counter because there’s been a terrible mistake.”

45. “You know, I always thought that tea was going to taste like hot brown water, and you know what? I was right. It’s horrible.” — Ted Lasso

46. “Tea and I are still on a lifelong hiatus.”— Ted Lasso

Inappropriate Ted Lasso quotes

47. Rebecca: “Well, the press are never awful to men. No one ever pays a fortune for a photo of a naked man on a yacht in Minorca a week after his divorce.”

Keeley: “Whoa. That’s like a very specific scenario. Oh my God. That means there’s a picture of you naked on a yacht. Can I see it? Is it here? Oh, come on, you wouldn’t have said anything if you weren’t dying to show someone. Please?”

48. Keeley: “Holy shit, Rebecca! Are those your real tits? I feel like a teenage boy. I can’t stop staring at them! Where did you get those?”

Rebecca: “My mum!”

Keeley: “I can’t believe you stopped this from running. I would have shown everyone!”

49. Jamie: “Can you curl 40 kilos?”

Roy: “No, but I can use your balls as a speedbag. Do you want to try that?”

50. “You about blew my brain out with those beautiful breasts of yours.” — Ted Lasso

Which of these Ted Lasso quotes is your favorite?

Did you watch this show weekly, or binge the whole series? Either way, I am sure you had a good laugh! If you haven’t seen it yet, you might want to get caught up. Ted Lasso’s quotes and responses to tea were amusing, but there are so many lessons and laughs to be gleaned from this show.

Did you know that the show actually started as an NBC sports promo, before becoming a TV show? NBC ran another set of promos the following year which went viral on YouTube, creating a strong fanbase right from the start!

The acting isn’t the only thing that is great, the music is wonderful too. You might have noticed a familiar sound during the pilot episode. Tom Hove and London-born Marcus Mumford (of Mumford & Sons) are the show’s music composers. Sudeikis and Marcus met when Mumford & Sons played SNL back in 2012.

Did you enjoy reading these Ted Lasso quotes and lines? What was your favorite episode of Ted Lasso? Share your thoughts in the comment section below.

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