Two and a Half Men Quotes to Remind You of the Sitcom

Stephanie Kirby

These Two and a Half Men quotes are entertaining for some and relatable for others.

Share your take in the comments below.

Two and a Half Men is an American TV sitcom series that aired in 2003 to 2015.

It centered around Charlie, a bachelor single jingle writer and his brother, Alan, and Jake, Alan’s son.

The story presents its conflict when Alan got divorced and had to move in with Charlie.

This results in a series of hilarious interactions with the brothers and Jake throughout the series.

Alan and Charlie have always been in complex relationships with women and finding little success with them.

Although Charlie has a hedonistic approach to life, he’ll find himself falling in love and then failing in relationships repeatedly throughout the series.

Fans of the series felt it successfully created fun and entertaining gags, particularly on the topic of being a bachelor.

Here are the most hilarious Two and a Half Men quotes to brighten up your day.

Don’t forget to also check out these Futurama quotes for fans of animated sci-fi.

Check out our most popular quote article, a list of short inspirational quotes for daily inspiration. 

Our inspirational quotes category page has all of our motivational quotes for all the different areas of life.

Two and a Half Men quotes from Alan

1. “I’d rather be a second-class citizen here in paradise, than king of a urine-soaked, fire-trap next to Burbank Airport!” — Alan

Two and a Half Men quotes about Burbank airport

You will also enjoy our article on Lucifer quotes.

2. “I watch one donkey sex show, and you make me pay for it the rest of my life!” — Alan

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3. “I’m not gay. I’m literate and urbane and that confuses people.” — Alan

Two and a Half Men quotes about literate and urbane

4. “I’m Alan Harper, and I am not having sex!” — Alan

5. “I’ll give you a hint, I didn’t do the dog people style.” — Alan

Two and a Half Men quotes about people style

6. “In the dating game, wedding rings are like kryptonite. If superman was a vagina.” — Alan

7. “That is one talented lady; and by talented… I mean annoying; and by lady, I mean bitch.” — Alan

8. “Women reject me for 100 different reasons. White teeth would reduce that to 99 problems.” — Alan

Two and a Half Men quotes about reject

9. “Come on Sam, time is money and you are out of both.” — Alan

Two and a Half Men quotes about money

10. “When a boy becomes a man – and that’s what you’re becoming – he has to start protecting the women in his life from certain things.” — Alan

Two and a Half Men quotes about life

11. “We judge a person by what’s inside and not by what they wear.” — Alan

More Two and a Half Men quotes

12. “Be sure to wear a condom, not everything stays in Vegas!” — Alan

13. “I know what you said you wanted, but I really dont think Pamela Anderson will agree to swallow your ashes.” — Alan

Wise Two and a Half Men quotes

If you enjoy this article, check out our collection of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia quotes from the gang.

Two and a Half Men quotes from Charlie

14. “My name is Charlie, and, um, my maid says I’m a sex addict.” — Charlie

15. “Congratulations, Alan… your son is officially pastry-whipped.” — Charlie

Two and a Half Men quotes from Charlie

16. “I either drank too much, or got hit by a train.” — Charlie

Two and a Half Men quotes about train

17. “Because we love them and want to protect them. A clueless woman is a happy woman”. — Charlie

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Two and a Half Men quotes about love

18. “It’s just never a good idea to tell a woman more than they need to know.” — Charlie

Two and a Half Men quotes about woman

19. “Everyone has a little baggage. I drink and try to mouth kiss hookers. You, you’re cheap annoying and no one like you.” — Charlie

Two and a Half Men quotes about kiss

20. “I’m afraid I’m gonna hit you so hard, I’ll be an only-child.” — Charlie

Two and a Half Men quotes on child

21. “The damage has been done. All that’s left to do now is drink until the part of the brain that creates mental pictures is dead.” — Charlie

Two and a Half Men quotes about dead

22. “Dont worry, there’s not enough blood left in my legs to go anywhere.” — Charlie

Two and a Half Men quotes on blood

23. “You know what the problem is? The women, the drinking… you guys look at me and you think it’s easy.” — Charlie

Two and a Half Men quotes about drinking

24. “My past is divided between things I can’t remember and things I don’t want to and you’re both.” — Charlie

Wise Two and a Half Men quotes

Two and a Half Men quotes from Evelyn

25. “Children are God’s little way of punishing us for having sex.” — Evelyn

If you enjoy this article, check out our collection of Broad City quotes sharing friendship ties.

Which of these Two and a Half Men quotes is your favorite?

The series also has a variety of side characters that sync together with the main characters’ personalities and dilemmas.

One standout character is Berta, Charlie’s housekeeper.

Berta is sharp-tongued and initially apprehensive with the shift in dynamics in their household.

With these mini details, fans felt the series managed to stay exciting and fun to watch.

If you are a fan of this series and watched it all the way through, you’ll understand how the characters evolved over the years.

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Charlie, for example, was able to settle down in Paris and marry his stalker, Rose.

This is huge character development as Charlie finally ends the bachelor chapter of his life.

However, it was later hinted that Rose may have killed Charlie, because of his affairs with other women.

Regardless, we hope you enjoy reading these Two and a Half Men quotes and sayings.

Stephanie Kirby
Stephanie Kirby is a Lifestyle Writer at Everyday Power and the Founder of Rising River Marketing. She is also experienced in SEO and WordPress. As a freelance writer, she has helped create content that will position business owners as an authority in their markets while providing valuable content for their readers. The principal areas of work include content surrounding mental health, leadership and personal development, and small business growth. She enjoys partnering with therapists and coaches to help them connect with clients online and better the world by helping people.She understands that customer service is a key component in growing your business. Focusing on the minor details and ensuring that the customer or reader has an excellent experience is paramount to success. She strives to carry those details into every aspect of businesses, including any content she creates.
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