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30 Hilarious Dwight Schrute Quotes For The Office Fans

Published on February 11, 2020 7:10 AM EST

Take on a new perspective in life with these Dwight Schrute quotes. 

Assistant Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin, Dwight Schrute, may not have the answer to all of life’s big questions, but he certainly has an opinion. While his knowledge may not always be useful, these Dwight Schrute quotes will at least make you think. 

Hilarious Dwight Schrute Quotes For The Office Fans

The owner of the beet plantation and B&B, Schrute Farms, is a fan favorite on The Office not only for his tactless and socially inept ways, but also for his incredible one-liners and monologues. No matter what you’re going through in life, these Dwight Schrute quotes are just what you need to get through the day.  

Also check out these Michael Scott quotes that will make you laugh out loud.

Dwight Schrute quotes on survival

1. “I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran. Killed twenty men and spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.” —Dwight Schrute

2. “The principle is sound. To avoid illness, expose yourself to germs, enabling your immune system to develop antibodies. I don’t know why everyone doesn’t do this… Maybe they have something against living forever.” — Dwight Schrute

3. “In the wild, there is no healthcare. Healthcare is “Oh, I broke my leg!” A lion comes and eats you, you’re dead. Well, I’m not dead, I’m the lion, you’re dead!” — Dwight Schrute

4. “Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man’s.” — Dwight Schrute

5. “Everyone follow me to the shelter. We’ve got enough food for 14 days. After that, we have a difficult conversation.” — Dwight Schrute

6. “I train my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also, I can retract my penis up into itself.” — Dwight Schrute

Dwight Schrute quotes on women and relationships

7. “I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate, I wouldn’t have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I’d just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus, I’d be more in tune with the moon and the tides.” — Dwight Schrute

8. “Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.” — Dwight Schrute

9. “Women are like wolves. If you want one you must trap it. Snare it. Tame it. Feed it.” —Dwight Schrute

10. “What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany’s at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It’s priceless. As I’m taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It’s her father’s business. She’s Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come, and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don’t trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he’s the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero. She’s been waiting for me all these years. She’s never taken another lover. I don’t care. I don’t show up. I go to Berlin. That’s where I stashed the chandelier.” — Dwight Schrute

11. “A real man swallows his vomit when a lady is present.” — Dwight Schrute

12. “I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat, couple of pigs watching.” — Dwight Schrute

13. “As a volunteer Sheriff’s Deputy, I’ve been doing surveillance for years. One time I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me, so I tailed her for six nights straight. Turns out… she was. With a couple of guys actually, so… mystery solved.” — Dwight Schrute

Don’t forget to also read these John Mulaney quotes that will make you laugh out loud.

Dwight Schrute quotes on people

14. “Why are all these people here? There are too many people on this earth. We need a new plague.” — Dwight Schrute

15. “It’s never the person who you most suspect. It’s also never the person you least suspect since anyone with half a brain would suspect them the most. Therefore, I know the killer to be Phyllis… The person who I most medium suspect.” — Dwight Schrute

16. “No, don’t call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs and get a distress call from the Commissioner and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.” — Dwight Schrute

17. “I love catching people in the act. That’s why I always whip open doors.” — Dwight Schrute

18. “Nostalgia is truly one of the great human weaknesses. Second only to the neck.” — Dwight Schrute

Dwight Schrute quotes on life

19. “All you need is love. False. The four basic human necessities are air, water, food, and shelter.” — Dwight Schrute

20. “There are 3 things you never turn your back on: bears, men you have wronged, and a dominant male turkey during mating season.” — Dwight Schrute

21. “I do not fear the unknown. I will meet my new challenges head-on, and I will succeed, and I will laugh in the faces of those who doubt me.” — Dwight Schrute

22. “Would I ever leave this company? Look, I’m all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I’m being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly… I’m going wherever they value loyalty the most.” — Dwight Schrute

23. “As a farmer I know that when an animal is sick sometimes the right thing to do is put it out of its misery. With the electricity we are using to keep Meredith alive, we could power a small fan for two days. You tell me what’s unethical.” — Dwight Schrute

24. “I am better than you have ever or ever will be.” – Dwight Schrute

25. “Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors.” —Dwight Schrute

26. “I don’t have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor’s dog.” — Dwight Schrute

You might also like these quotes from Blazing Saddles.

Dwight Schrute quotes to give you food for thought

27. “I wonder if king-sized sheets are called presidential-seized in England.” — Dwight Schrute

28. “Now that I own the building, I’m looking for new sources of revenue. And a daycare center? Muahahahahahahahaha… Well I guess it’s not an evil idea, it’s just a regular idea, but there’s no good laugh for a regular idea.” — Dwight Schrute

29. “Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, ‘would an idiot do that?’ and if they would, I do not do that thing.” — Dwight Schrute

30. “‘R’ is the most menacing sound in the English language. That’s why it’s called ‘murder’ and not ‘mukduk.’” — Dwight Schrute

Were you inspired by these Dwight Schrute quotes? 

If there is anything we’ve learned from Dwight, it’s to never be afraid to beat to your own drum. Dwight Schrute may be an oddball, but he is true to himself. 

While these Dwight Schrute quotes may not hold the answer to the meaning of life, they offer so much more. They offer perspective. And sometimes, when life has got you down in the dumps, you need a little perspective to get through the day. 

So, whether you’ve learned something new from these Dwight Schrute quotes, or if they simply made you think, “What in the world did I just read?”, hopefully, these quotes made you see life from a new viewpoint.

Did you enjoy these Dwight Schrute quotes? Which quote was your favorite? Share with us in the comment section below. 

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