These hilarious quotes from the iconic television show The Office will crack up your friends!
The hit TV show The Office is a fan favorite known for its memorable characters, wild antics, and hilarious quotes.
Whether you’re enjoying the series for the first time or binge-watching your favorite episodes again, these lines are guaranteed to make you laugh.
Who’s your favorite character from The Office?
Since The Office will be leaving Netflix at the start of 2020, the perfect time to tune in is right now. This show will make you laugh, cry, and fall in love with the entire cast.
The Office is loaded with comedy gold, funny quotes, and relatable moments.
There’s something for everyone to enjoy, whether you’re a fan of Jim, Dwight, or Kelly. Turn on the TV and take a trip to Dunder Mifflin Paper Company to watch the goofy and heartwarming tales unfold.
Relive the funniest moments of the show and share some laughs.
Funny The Office Quotes Worthy of The Dundie Awards
1. “I talk a lot, so I learn to tune myself out.” – Kelly Kapoor (Mindy Kaling)
2. “When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.” – Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson)
3. “Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That’s one of my mottos.” – Stanley Hudson (Leslie David Baker)
4. “I have a lot of questions. Number one, how dare you?” – Kelly Kapoor (Mindy Kaling)
5. “The Taliban is the worst. Great heroin though.” – Creed Bratton
6. “I’ve been involved in a number of cults both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower but you make more money as a leader.” – Creed Bratton (Creed Bratton)
7. “If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.” – Michael Scott (see more Michael Scott quotes)
8. “Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me.” – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)
9. “Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.” – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)
10. “This is ‘parkour’, the internet sensation of 2004. It was in one of the Bond films. It’s pretty impressive. The point is to get from point A to point B as creatively as possible, so technically they are doing parkour as long as point A is delusion and point B is the hospital.” – Jim Halpert (John Krasinski)
The Office quotes that will make your day
11. “How are you not murdered every hour?” – Andy Bernard (Ed Helms)
12. “I’m not superstitious but I am a little stitious.” – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)
13. “I have been trying to get on jury duty every year since I was 18 years old. To get and go sit in an air-conditioned room, downtown, judging people, while my lunch was paid for. That is the life.” – Stanley Hudson (Leslie David Baker)
14. “Who says exactly what they’re thinking? What kind of a game is that?” – Kelly Kapoor (Mindy Kaling)
15. “I am Beyonce, always.” – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)
16. “You guys I’m like really smart now. You don’t even know. You could ask me, Kelly what’s the biggest company in the world? And I’d be like, ‘blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah.’ Giving you the exact right answer.” – Kelly Kapoor (Mindy Kaling)
17. “Mistletoe is not an excuse for sexual assault.” – Andy Bernard (Ed Helms)
18. “There is no such thing as an appropriate joke, that’s why it’s a joke.” – Ryan Howard (B.J. Novak)
19. “It’s better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, than by a stranger on purpose.” – Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson)
20. “Toby is in HR which technically means he works for corporate. So he’s not really a part of our family. Also he’s divorced… so he’s not really a part of his family.” – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)
21. “Yes, I have a dream, and it’s not some MLK dream for equality. I want to own a decommissioned lighthouse. And I want to live at the top. And nobody knows I live there. And there’s a button that I can press, and launch that lighthouse into space.” – Stanley Hudson (Leslie David Baker)
Also check out these funny Stranger Things quotes from the television series.
Funny The Office quotes from your favorite characters
22. “Ultimatums are key. Basically nobody does anything for me anymore unless I threaten to kill myself.” – Kelly Kapoor (Mindy Kaling)
23. “I feel God in this Chili’s tonight.” – Pam Beesly (Jenna Fischer)
24. “I don’t come up with this stuff, I just forward it along. You wouldn’t arrest the guy who was just passing drugs from one guy to another.” – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)
25. “Why are all these people here? There’s too many people on this earth. We need a new plague.” – Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson)
26. “Tough day. Yes. But I feel good. I put the office in their place, took a bunch of painkillers, drank a bottle of wine, took my pants off. I just feel good.” – Andy Bernard (Ed Helms)
27. “I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do.” – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)
28. “Maybe we weren’t right together, but it’s weird. I’d rather she be alone than with somebody. Is that love?” – Ryan Howard (B.J. Novak)
29. “Make friends first, make sales second, make love third. In no particular order.” – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)
30. “I’m not offended by homosexuality. In the sixties I made love to many, many women, often outdoors in the mud and the rain, and it’s possible that a man slipped in. There’d be no way of knowing.” – Creed Bratton
If you’re enjoying these quotes, make sure to read our collection of This Is Us quotes from the award-winning series.
Hilarious The Office quotes to make you laugh
31. “Abraham Lincoln once said that, ‘If you’re a racist, I will attack you with the North.’ And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.” – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)
32. “Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors.” – Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson)
33. “My future isn’t going to be determined by seven little white lotto balls. It’s going to be determined by two big black balls.” – Darryl Philbin (Craig Robinson)
34. “I’m an early bird and I’m a night owl. So I’m wise and I have worms.” – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)
35. “I am about to do something very bold in this job that I’ve never done before … try.” – Jim Halpert (John Krasinski)
36. “I don’t want any special treatment, Pam. I just want you to treat me like you would some family member who’s undergone some sort of serious physical trauma. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.” – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)
If you’re enjoying these quotes, make sure to read our collection of hilarious Minion quotes from the movie.
37. “Most people don’t even know that a candy cane represents a shepherd’s crook. Which I assure you does not taste like peppermint. It tastes like sheep feces.” – Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson)
38. “I would not miss it for the world. But if something else came up, I would definitely not go.” – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)
39. “’R’ is among the most menacing of sounds. That’s why they call it ‘murder’ and not ‘mukduk’” – Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson)
40. “Well, well, well, how the turntables.” – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)
Don’t forget to also read these hilarious Dwight Schrute quotes.
Funny and memorable The Office quotes
41. “I mean, I’m not a slut but who knows.” – Kelly Kapoor (Mindy Kaling)
42. “When I was five, I imagined that there was such a thing as a unicorn. And this was before I had even heard of one, or seen one. I just drew a picture of a horse, that could fly over rainbows, and a had a huge spike in its head. I was five! Five-years-old. Couldn’t even talk yet.” – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)
If you’re enjoying these quotes, make sure to read our collection of Letterkenny quotes that will make you want to pack up and move to Canada.
43. “Holly is ruining Michael’s life. He thinks she is so special, and she’s so not. Her personality is like a 3. Her sense of humor is a 2. Her ears are like a 7 and a 4. Add it all up and what do you get? 16. And he treats her like she’s a perfect 40. It’s nuts.” – Erin Hannon (Ellie Kemper)
44. “I think sometimes people are really mean to the hot, popular girl.” – Kelly Kapoor (Mindy Kaling)
45. “Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked, but it’s not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised.” – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)
46. “Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man’s.” – Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson)
47. “I have six roommates, which are better than friends because they have to give you one month’s notice before they leave.” – Toby Flenderson (Paul Lieberstein)
49. “Powerpoints are the peacocks of the business world: all show, no meat.” – Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson)
48. “Sometimes I get so bored I just want to scream, and then sometimes I actually do scream. I just sort of feel out what the situation calls for.” – Kelly Kapoor (Mindy Kaling)
50. “Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way.” – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)
You might also like these famous movie quotes from your favorite characters.
The Office quotes that will brighten your day
51. “I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days, before you’ve actually left them.” – Andy Bernard
52. “I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good.” – Michael Scott
53. “I live by one rule: No office romances, no way. Very messy, inappropriate…no. But, I live by another rule: Just do it…Nike.” – Michael Scott
54. “I used to be obese. Once you’ve conquered obesity, everything else is easy. Life literally moves in slow motion. I’m not saying I’m Superman, but let me just put it this way. If I were shot in the head, I’m pretty sure everything would be fine. I’d almost welcome it.” – Deangelo Vickers
55. “The worst thing about prison was the dementors.” – Michael “Prison Mike” Scott
56. “I’m not usually the butt of the joke. I’m usually the face of the joke.” – Michael Scott
57. “I’m not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was 30, but I wasn’t even close. Then I thought maybe by 40, but by 40 I had less money than I did when I was 30.” – Michael Scott
58. “Every so often, Jim dies of boredom.” – Pam Beesly
59. “Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So Jim, is actually my friend. But, because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy so actually Jim is my enemy.” – Dwight Schrute
60. “The eyes are the groin of the face.” — Dwight Schrute
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Other memorable The Office quotes
61. “I have so much paperwork. I’m afraid my paperwork has paperwork.” – Gabrielle Zevin
62. “You think you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it’s only some bugger with a torch bringing you more work.” – David Brent
63. “A good boss should have the nature of forgiving but he should not have the nature of revenge.” – Dr. Sivakumar Gowder
64. “It doesn’t matter what your boss thinks as long as he doesn’t cry.” – Gerry Geek
65. “If you don’t feel drowsy after lunch and don’t yawn in the office, you’re not a perfect employee!” – Himmilicious
66. “I had heard of offices feeling like prisons, but in this case our prison felt, rather anticlimactically, like an office.” – William Ritter
67. “The first place smelled like work, so I took the second.” – Charles Bukowski
68. “You can tell if a person is organized by checking his desktop.” – Ali AlJa’bari
69. “When he worked, he really worked. But when he played, he really PLAYED.” – Dr. Seuss
70. “People sitting all day for hours looking at a glowing light are bound to get ran over like a deer in headlights.” – Richie Norton
71. “Did I stutter?” – Stanley Hudson
72. “I don’t care what they say about me, I just wanna eat. Which I realize is a lot to ask for. At a dinner party.” – Pam Beesly
73. “Hey Goldenface! Go puck yourself!” – Michael Scarn
74. “Whether you’re scared of dying, or dying alone, or dying drunk in a ditch, don’t be. It’s going to be OK.” – Michael Scott
75. “This is a dream that I’ve had…since lunch…and I’m not giving it up now.” – Michael Scott
Short The Office quotes to make you giggle
76. “Dwight mercy-killed Angela’s cat.” — Pam Beesley
77. “If I don’t have some cake soon, I might die.” — Stanley Hudson
78. “I normally don’t enjoy making people laugh.” — Angela Martin
79. “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” — Michael Scott
80. “Me think, why waste time say lot word, when few word do trick.” — Kevin Malone
81. “Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year.” — Dwight Schrute
82. “I never thought I’d say this, but I think I ate too much bone marrow.” — Dwight Schrute
83. “Everything I have I owe to this job… this stupid, wonderful, boring, amazing job.” — Jim Halpert
84. “I got six numbers. One more and it would have been a complete phone number.” — Kevin Malone
85. “I’m glad Michael’s getting help. He has a lot of issues, and he’s stupid.” — Phyllis Lapin-Vance
The Office quotes that will have you rolling on the floor
86. “I talk a lot, so I’ve learned to tune myself out.” — Kelly Kapoor
87. “So this is my life—until I win the lottery. Or Pam finally writes that series of young adult books.” — Jim Halpert
88. “No, I’m not going to tell them about the downsizing. If a patient has cancer, you don’t tell them.” — Michael Scott
89. “I run a small fake ID company from my car with a laminating machine that I swiped from the Sheriff’s station.” — Creed Bratton
90. “The man is wearing sandals. I don’t need to see Oscar’s toes at work. Gross! I mean, he looks like he just got off the boat.” — Angela Martin
91. “An office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max, to… an office is a place where dreams come true.” — Michael Scott
92. “I wanna do a cartwheel. But real casual-like. Not enough to make a big deal out of it, but I know everyone saw it. One stunning, gorgeous cartwheel.” — Creed Bratton
93. “A few years ago, my family was on a safari in Africa and my cousin, Mufasa, was um, he was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeests and um, we all took it really hard.” — Ryan Howard
94. “It’s true. Around this office, in the past, I have been a little abrupt with people. But the doctor said, ‘If I can’t find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings, I’m going to die.’” — Stanley Hudson
95. “The Dunder Mifflin stock symbol is D.M.I. Do you know what that stands for? Dummies, Morons, and Idiots. Because that’s what you’d have to be to own it. And as one of those idiots, I believe the board owes me answers.” — Oscar Martinez
Which funny quote from The Office is your favorite?
If you’re a fan of the hilarious TV show The Office, these lines are guaranteed to make you laugh. The series is full of great one-liners, silly sayings, and monologues of pure comedic genius.
Keep these funny quotes in mind the next time you’re looking for a good show to binge watch over the weekend.
These quotes from The Office prove that the series is one of the best shows to ever grace television. Each episode is packed full of moments to make us laugh and cry.
With an incredible cast, hilarious writing, and memorable quotes, it’s no surprise that the show is so popular. Share these quotes with a fan of The Office to make them smile!
March 24, 2022 3:37 AM EST