50 Groucho Marx Quotes from the Greatest Comedian

Enjoy a good laugh with these Groucho Marx quotes.

While his legal name was Julius Henry Marx, he is famously known as Groucho Marx. And he was the third born of the Marx Brothers.

Not only that, but he was also known for being one of America’s greatest comedians. Groucho was an actor, writer, television star, and radio star.

Even if you don’t really know who he is, there’s one thing that you’re sure to be familiar with—Groucho glasses. These are the horned rim glasses that have the nose and fake mustache attached to them. He was famously known for this along with his walk and one-liners.

Keep reading these Groucho Marx quotes to help you escape from the tension of your day.

Don’t forget to also check out these G.K. Chesterton quotes from one of the greatest writers of his time.

Wise Groucho Marx quotes

1. “The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.” – Groucho Marx

2. “Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?” – Groucho Marx

3. “I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.” – Groucho Marx

4. “If you are not having fun you are doing something wrong.” – Groucho Marx

5. “While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.” – Groucho Marx

6. “Patience is the art of finding something else to do.” – Groucho Marx

7. “The only real laughter comes from despair.” – Groucho Marx

8. “With a little study you’ll go a long ways, and I wish you’d start now.” – Groucho Marx

9. “Blood’s not thicker than money.” – Groucho Marx

10. “You’re heading for a breakdown. Why don’t you pull yourself to pieces?” – Groucho Marx

Funny Groucho Marx quotes

11. “My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.” – Groucho Marx

12. “I would never join a country club with standards so low as to allow me as a member.” – Groucho Marx

13. “Before I speak, I have something important to say.” – Groucho Marx

14. “Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.” – Groucho Marx
If you’re enjoying these quotes, you’ll love our collection of getting older quotes that will make you embrace the beauty in aging.

15. “Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.” – Groucho Marx

16. “Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.” – Groucho Marx

17. “Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.” – Groucho Marx

18. “I’m not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.” – Groucho Marx

19. “I intend to live forever, or die trying.” – Groucho Marx

20. “When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.’” – Groucho Marx

Sarcastic Groucho Marx quotes

21. “If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.” – Groucho Marx

22. “Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!” – Groucho Marx

23. “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.” – Groucho Marx

24. “Time wounds all heels.” – Groucho Marx

25. “Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.” – Groucho Marx

26. “No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.” – Groucho Marx

27. “I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.” – Groucho Marx

28. “I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.” – Groucho Marx

29. “Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.” – Groucho Marx

30. “All people are born alike- except for Republicans and Democrats.” – Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx quotes about love

31. “In any relationship, the woman has control, the clever ones don’t let the men know.” – Groucho Marx

32. “Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.” – Groucho Marx

33. “Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” – Groucho Marx

34. “Love had forged ahead so swiftly that in no time it had displaced agriculture as the leading industry of the period. To anyone who has tried both, this wont come as much of a surprise.” – Groucho Marx

35. “Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?” – Groucho Marx

36. “She’s so in love with me, she doesn’t know anything. That’s why she’s in love with me.” – Groucho Marx

37. “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” – Groucho Marx

38. “The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.” – Groucho Marx

More funny Groucho Marx quotes

39. “Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brain falls out.” – Groucho Marx

40. “Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” – Groucho Marx

41. “One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.” – Groucho Marx

42. “A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.” – Groucho Marx

43. “My favorite poem is the one that starts ‘Thirty days hath September’ because it actually tells you something.” – Groucho Marx

44. “Humor is reason gone mad.” – Groucho Marx

45. “Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can’t make head nor tail out of it.” – Groucho Marx

46. “I must confess, I was born at a very early age.” – Groucho Marx

47. “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx

48. “A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.” – Groucho Marx

49. “Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.” – Groucho Marx

50. “In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.” – Groucho Marx

Did you enjoy these Groucho Marx quotes?

Groucho Marx is a comedian and actor who ended up almost becoming the character that he played. While his personal life wasn’t always filled with the best of times, including going through three divorces, you would never be able to tell it from the sense of humor that he portrayed.

If there is one thing that we could all use this year, it’s more humor. Laughter is one of the best forms of medicine.

If you could use a little more laughter in your life right now, find some old comedies to watch and enjoy. Something about the humor from the past is more simplistic and can help you escape from the tension of your day.

Did you enjoy these Groucho Marx quotes and sayings? Which of the quotes resonated with you best? Let us know in the comment section below.