Enjoy a good laugh with these Groucho Marx quotes.
While his legal name was Julius Henry Marx, he is famously known as Groucho Marx. And he was the third born of the Marx Brothers.
Not only that, but he was also known for being one of America’s greatest comedians. Groucho was an actor, writer, television star, and radio star.
Even if you don’t really know who he is, there’s one thing that you’re sure to be familiar with—Groucho glasses. These are the horned rim glasses that have the nose and fake mustache attached to them. He was famously known for this along with his walk and one-liners.
Keep reading these Groucho Marx quotes to help you escape from the tension of your day.
Don’t forget to also check out these G.K. Chesterton quotes from one of the greatest writers of his time.
Wise Groucho Marx quotes
1. “The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.” – Groucho Marx
2. “Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?” – Groucho Marx
3. “I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.” – Groucho Marx
4. “If you are not having fun you are doing something wrong.” – Groucho Marx
5. “While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.” – Groucho Marx
6. “Patience is the art of finding something else to do.” – Groucho Marx
7. “The only real laughter comes from despair.” – Groucho Marx
8. “With a little study you’ll go a long ways, and I wish you’d start now.” – Groucho Marx
9. “Blood’s not thicker than money.” – Groucho Marx
10. “You’re heading for a breakdown. Why don’t you pull yourself to pieces?” – Groucho Marx
Funny Groucho Marx quotes
11. “My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.” – Groucho Marx
12. “I would never join a country club with standards so low as to allow me as a member.” – Groucho Marx
13. “Before I speak, I have something important to say.” – Groucho Marx
14. “Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.” – Groucho Marx
If you’re enjoying these quotes, you’ll love our collection of getting older quotes that will make you embrace the beauty in aging.
15. “Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.” – Groucho Marx
16. “Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.” – Groucho Marx
17. “Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.” – Groucho Marx
18. “I’m not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.” – Groucho Marx
19. “I intend to live forever, or die trying.” – Groucho Marx
20. “When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.’” – Groucho Marx
Sarcastic Groucho Marx quotes
21. “If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.” – Groucho Marx
22. “Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!” – Groucho Marx
23. “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.” – Groucho Marx
24. “Time wounds all heels.” – Groucho Marx
25. “Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.” – Groucho Marx
26. “No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.” – Groucho Marx
27. “I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.” – Groucho Marx
28. “I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.” – Groucho Marx
29. “Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.” – Groucho Marx
30. “All people are born alike- except for Republicans and Democrats.” – Groucho Marx
Groucho Marx quotes about love
31. “In any relationship, the woman has control, the clever ones don’t let the men know.” – Groucho Marx
32. “Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.” – Groucho Marx
33. “Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” – Groucho Marx
34. “Love had forged ahead so swiftly that in no time it had displaced agriculture as the leading industry of the period. To anyone who has tried both, this wont come as much of a surprise.” – Groucho Marx
35. “Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?” – Groucho Marx
36. “She’s so in love with me, she doesn’t know anything. That’s why she’s in love with me.” – Groucho Marx
37. “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” – Groucho Marx
38. “The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.” – Groucho Marx
More funny Groucho Marx quotes
39. “Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brain falls out.” – Groucho Marx
40. “Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” – Groucho Marx
41. “One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.” – Groucho Marx
42. “A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.” – Groucho Marx
43. “My favorite poem is the one that starts ‘Thirty days hath September’ because it actually tells you something.” – Groucho Marx
44. “Humor is reason gone mad.” – Groucho Marx
45. “Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can’t make head nor tail out of it.” – Groucho Marx
46. “I must confess, I was born at a very early age.” – Groucho Marx
47. “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx
48. “A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.” – Groucho Marx
49. “Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.” – Groucho Marx
50. “In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.” – Groucho Marx
Other Groucho Marx quotes and sayings
51. “I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” – Groucho Marx
52. “From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.” – Groucho Marx
53. “Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.” – Groucho Marx
54. “He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.” – Groucho Marx
55. “I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.” – Groucho Marx
56. “Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.” – Groucho Marx
57. “Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.” – Groucho Marx
58. “Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.” – Groucho Marx
59. “Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men the other 999 follow women.” – Groucho Marx
60. “Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.” – Groucho Marx
Did you enjoy these Groucho Marx quotes?
Groucho Marx is a comedian and actor who ended up almost becoming the character that he played. While his personal life wasn’t always filled with the best of times, including going through three divorces, you would never be able to tell it from the sense of humor that he portrayed.
If there is one thing that we could all use this year, it’s more humor. Laughter is one of the best forms of medicine.
If you could use a little more laughter in your life right now, find some old comedies to watch and enjoy. Something about the humor from the past is more simplistic and can help you escape from the tension of your day.
Did you enjoy these Groucho Marx quotes and sayings? Which of the quotes resonated with you best? Let us know in the comment section below.
December 2, 2020 7:00 AM EST