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New Girl Quotes To Brighten Your Day

These New Girl quotes will have you in stitches from how relatable Jess and her roommates really are.

New Girl was a 2011 sitcom that ran for 7 seasons. It’s a refreshing show about a smart but dreadfully naive elementary school teacher who moves into a beautiful loft apartment in Los Angeles’ Art District with a group of twenty-something men after a bad breakup.

Over the seasons, Jess and her roommates navigate adulthood together. The show exploits the awkward adventures of young adults as they try to figure out relationships, careers, and themselves.

Whether you relate more with quirky Jess, underachiever Nick, fastidious Schmidt, charming Cece, sporty Coach, or weird Winston you are sure to love these New Girl quotes.

Don’t forget to also check out these The Golden Girls quotes from one of America’s favorite sitcoms.

Best New Girl quotes from quirky Jess

1. “So when I do the chicken dance, I do it a little differently. Instead of doing claps, I like to do a peck. It’s more realistic.” — Jess

2. “Blast from the past, how’s that ass?” — Jess

3. “I just wanted to listen to Taylor Swift alone!” — Jess

4. “My first crush was on a Batman cake, but my first sexual feelings were about teenage Simba because he was really hot, and I still actually find him hot.” — Jess

5. “I’ll take the strongest drink you have, and also a wine spritzer on the side in case I don’t like it.” — Jess

6. “It was me. Having sex. I left my body, went up to heaven, saw my grandparents, thought it was weird that I saw my grandparents, came back down. I became a werewolf. I scared some teenagers. I came back into my body. Only thing is, he thinks my name is Katie, and that I’m a dancer and or something involving puppets.” — Jess

7. “You guys are ruling women out based on their breast size? It’s the least important part of a woman’s body! Unless you’re a baby. Are you guys babies?” — Jess

8. “Nick doesn’t have a life plan. He doesn’t have a day plan. I once found a note that he wrote to himself that said, ‘Put on pants.’” — Jess

9. “I don’t want to kiss and tell, but I ruined my dresser during intercourse. Will you go to Ikea with me?” — Jess

10. “I hope you like feminist rants, because that’s kind of my thing.” — Jess

11. “Nick isn’t even a man. He’s some kind of man-boy, man-child hybrid. The other day I had to tell him not to pull a dog’s tail.” — Jess

12. “I’m only attracted to guys who are afraid of success and think someone famous stole their idea.” — Jess

13. “‘Because once you see my body, you will go brain-dead and have memory loss.’ Send. Oh, no! Autocorrect changed ‘body’ to ‘meat bar.’” — Jess

14. “Everything you say sounds really creepy when you’re not wearing pants.” — Jess

15. “I’m probably fine. But I also might be dead.” — Jess

Funny New Girl quotes from Nick the underachiever

16. “Can I get an alcohol?” — Nick

17. “I like getting older. I feel like I’m finally aging into my personality.” — Nick

18. “I want to kill you because I respect you. Jess! I think I understand hunting!” — Nick

19. “Look, we’re not trying to be mean. We just don’t want you to be yourself…in any way.” — Nick

20. “I can’t go to jail! I’m too sarcastic for the white gangs!” — Nick

21. “I have decided to give up on women and put all of that energy into tomatoes.” — Nick

22. “Any time a man wants to show a woman how to do something from behind, it’s just because he wants an excuse to get real close and breathe on her neck. Watch any sports movie.” — Nick

23. “Schmidt fired me, and now I’ll never get to use this briefcase I bought, and it was $19!” — Nick

24. “I only wanna make a drink a coal miner would want. Straight forward. Honest. Something that says, ‘I work in a hole.’” — Nick

25. “I’m not convinced I know how to read, I’ve just memorized a lot of words.” — Nick

26. “My funeral is my time to shine!” — Nick

27. “I fell in love with Jess the minute she walked through the door.” — Nick

28. “I don’t dance! I’m from that town in ‘Footloose.’” — Nick

29. “I don’t deal with exes, they’re a part of the past. You burn them swiftly and give their ashes to Poseidon!” — Nick

30. “I’m pretty sure I’m having a heart attack and I haven’t arranged for anyone to clear my internet history. I wasn’t building a bomb, I was just curious.” — Nick

31. “Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Probably.” — Nick

32. “I am not a successful adult. I don’t eat vegetables and/or take care of myself.” — Nick

Critical New Girl quotes from Schmidt

33. “Old people freak me out. With their hands and their legs. They’re like the people version of pleated pants.” — Schmidt

34. “I’m like a Hebrew cheetah.” — Schmidt

35. “Beans are nothing but soggy nuts.” — Schmidt

36. “Can we just take a minute to celebrate me?” — Schmidt

37. “I’m like a sexual snowflake. Each night with me is a unique experience.” — Schmidt

38. “The economy stinks, bees are dying, and movies are pretty much all sequels now.” — Schmidt

39. “I’m as mad as a dad in traffic!” — Schmidt

40. “If you are for one second suggesting that I don’t know how to open a musical, how dare you!” — Schmidt

41. “There are plenty of things to be down about. The deficit, air pollution in China, The Hobbit wasn’t very good.” — Schmidt

42. “You were denied a cell phone because you have the credit score of a homeless ghost.” — Schmidt

43. “If you need me, I’ll be in my room listening to some mainstream hip-hop.” — Schmidt

44. “Sick people wanted me, dying people wanted to be me. I was the total candy striping package.” — Schmidt

45. “Schmidt happens.” — Schmidt

46. “Are you cooking a frittata in a saucepan? What is this — prison?” — Schmidt

47. “I’m the squirrel and you’re my nut. Winter is coming, and I’m gonna store you in my cheek girl.” — Schmidt

Charming Cece New Girl quotes

48. “Watch your front, because we’ve got your back!” — Cece

49. “I’ve made out with half of the guys in this room.” — Cece

50. “I’m using my bride card!” — Cece

51. “You’re drinking on a Tuesday, and you are a teacher.” — Cece

52. “I used to just think if I was proposed to, I would notice it was happening.” — Cece

53. “I got your text. When you’re going through a ‘Taylor Swift-like range of emotions,’ I should come over, right?” — Cece

54. “We’re gonna play True American because I want to.” — Cece

55. “The very fact that socks exist is proof shoes don’t work.” — Cece

56. “Just because a scary man yelled his name in your face doesn’t mean you can’t like sake baths.” — Cece

57. “Good luck with these two, because if they get really hungry, then all bets are off.” — Cece

58. “You could have an emotional connection to a shoe on the side of the road.” — Cece

59. “Oh, no. I’m a single adult, and I kissed another single adult. What’s gonna happen?” — Cece

60. “Please don’t make me laugh at you.” — Cece

More relatable New Girl quotes

61. “If I were off my rocker, would I take a weekly selfie with my cat?” — Winston

62. “I wanna choke you until your eyes literally pop out of your head.” — Coach

63. “Can I interest you in some white noise?” — Winston

64. “Your asses belong to me now.” — Coach

65. “Those are pickles in progress.” — Winston

66. “Saturday is a day for sleeping, and damn it, you will not take that away from me!” — Winston

67. “I need everyone to shut up.” — Coach

68. “Keep running or I will murder your family!” — Coach

69. “Who’s talking to you, Depression-era garbage man?” — Coach

70. “There’s nothing like the feel of a fire, a fresh-baked cookie, and the sweet, sweet taste of crack in your lungs.” — Winston

Which New Girl character do you relate to the most?

Considered widely as one of the greatest sitcoms of modern television, New Girl ran for six successful seasons before being canceled by Fox executives. The news was shocking to all involved, including showrunners, actors, and fans.

Though the writers and producers were able to give the series a satisfying ending, series creator, Elizabeth Merriwether, called on the cast and crew to campaign for a better finale. They were successful, and the hit show released an 8-episode final season that flashed forward 3 years. This allowed the fans to see their favorite characters in their happily ever afters.

Did you enjoy these New Girl quotes and lines? Which quote was your favorite? Let us know in the comments below.

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