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Tommy Boy Quotes From the 90s American Cult Classic

These Tommy Boy quotes capture some of the funniest conversations between Richard (Spade) and Tommy (Farley).

Tommy Boy is a 1995 American cult classic adventure comedy film directed and starring former Saturday Night Live castmates and close friends Chris Farley and David Spade.

The film tells the story of Tommy Callahan, a socially and emotionally immature man. He learns lessons about friendship, self-worth, and business as he tries to resurrect the family company after the death of his father.

The film received mixed reviews from critics, but clearly, the fans loved it as the movie grossed $32.7 million.

There are also some self-deprecating and cringeworthy Tommy Boy quotes about his weight and intelligence. His weight and lack of knowledge are a central theme in the film, but so is his growth and development as the film progresses.

Big Tom passes away at his wedding reception. As it turns out, his new wife and her son are not really related. Rather, they are a married con artist couple with criminal records. Keep reading to see just how Tommy Boy saves the day!

Don’t forget to also check out these Smokey and The Bandit quotes from the 1977 film.

Hilarious Tommy Boy movie quotes that will make you laugh

1. “Marty, find out where the police are going to be taking him. Send over a bottle of bubbly with a bucket of ice and a card. Have it say: Tough break, get drunk on me. Use the bucket to ice down your marbles, Yours, Z.” ― Ray Zalinsky

2. “Brothers don’t shake hands. Brothers gotta hug.” ― Tommy Callahan

3. “Are you talking?” ― Richard Hayden

4. [runs into a glass wall] “Ow, That’s gonna leave a mark.” ― Tommy Callahan

5. “Richard, were you watching ‘spanktrovision’?” ― Tommy Callahan

6. “Him too afraid to get out. He just a little guy!” ― Tommy Callahan

7. “If I wanted a kiss, I’d call your mother!” ― Tommy Callahan

8. “Did I catch a ‘niner’ in there?” ― Richard Hayden

9. “I’m gonna go ask directions to our next huge, embarrassing failure.” ― Richard Hayden

10. “Get yourself a new map.” ― Gas Station Employee

11. [Regarding sarcasm]: “Well, I should hope so, because I’m laying it on pretty thick.” ― Richard Hayden

12. “These shoes are Italian. They’re worth more than your life.” ― Paul Barish

13. “I wish we’d known each other… this is a little awkward.” ― Tommy Callahan

Inappropriate Tommy Boy quotes and lines about weight and intelligence that will make you cringe

14. Tommy: Does this suit make me look fat?

Richard: No, your face does.

15. “You better pray to the god of skinny punks that this wind doesn’t pick up, ’cause I’ll come over there, and jam an oar up your ass.” ― Tommy Callahan

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16. “Ugh, I can actually hear you getting fatter.” ― Richard Hayden

17. “Look mommy, the rhino’s getting too close to the car!” ― Richard Hayden

18. “Do you know where the weight room is? I’ll check it out.” ― Tommy Callahan

19. “Fat guy in a liiittle coat. Fat guy in a little coooat.” ― Tommy Callahan

20. Kid in Bank: Hey, Mom! It’s the guy who robbed the bank.

Tommy: I didn’t rob any bank.

Kid in Bank: Oh, yeah, right. Like it was some other real fat guy with a tiny head.

Tommy: I got a tiny head?

21. Michelle: [holds up box of donuts] Want one?

Tommy: I’d better not. I have what doctors call a little bit of a weight problem. I used to grab

bear claws as a kid, two at a time, and I’d get them lodged right in this region here.

22. [the park bench collapses] “Could’ve done without that.” ― Tommy Callahan

23. “Did you eat a lot of paint chips when you were a kid?” ― Paul Barish

24. “I was just checking the specs on the end line for the… rotary… girder… I’m retarded.” ― Tommy Callahan

Best Tommy Boy quotes about the butcher and animals

25. “Hey, I’ll tell you what. You can get a good look at a butcher’s ass by sticking your head up there. But, wouldn’t you rather to take his word for it?” ― Tommy Callahan

26. “I can get a good look at a T-Bone by sticking my head up a bull’s a**, but I’d rather take a butcher’s word for it.” ― Tommy Callahan

27. “No wait, it’s gotta be your bull.” ― Tommy Callahan

28. Tommy: “Where are we gonna take the deer?”

Richard: “I dunno, the vet?”

29. Tommy: “You take dead animals to the vet?”

Richard: “Why not? I’d take you to the vet.”

30. “Bees! Bees! Bees in the car! Bees everywhere! God, they’re huge and they’re sting crazy! They’re ripping my flesh off! Run away, your firearms are useless against them!” ― Tommy Callahan

Funny Tommy Boy Quotes from Conversations Between Tommy and Richard

31. Richard: “Housekeeping, you want towel?”

Tommy: “No towels. Need sleepy.”

32. Richard: “Housekeeping. You want mint for pillow?”

Tommy: “Please go away let me sleep for the love of God!”

33. Richard: “Housekeeping, you want me jerk you off?”

Tommy: [gets out of bed] “What kinda hotel is this?… [opens the door] Oh, it’s you.”

34. Richard: “Hey… I was just thinking… when we stopped for gas this morning I think it was you who put the oil in.”

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Tommy: “Hey if you’re going to say I didn’t put the right kind in, you’re wrong. I used 10-W-30. And besides, motor oil would have nothing to do with this accident.”

Richard: “True. But you can’t latch the hood too well, if you don’t take the can out, you no-selling waste of space!”

35. Tommy: “Did you hear I finally graduated?”

Richard: “Yeah, and just a shade under a decade too. All right.”

36. Tommy: “You know a lot of people go to college for seven years.”

Richard: “I know, they’re called doctors.”

37. Richard: “No way that just happened. My car is completely destroyed.”

Tommy: “I swear I’ve seen a lot of stuff in my life, but that… was… awesome. [bursts out laughing] But, sorry about your car, man. That… that sucks.”

38. Tommy: “La-la-la-loo-loo… Luuuke… Luuuke! I am your fah-ther! La-la-lay-lu…”

Richard: [walks in] “Oh, I’ve interrupted happy time! Now I know you want to sit there and keep being not slim, but we gotta work a little today.”

39. Tommy: “That was from Star Wars.”

Richard: “I know.”

40. Richard: “That guy may not call us.”

Tommy: “I can’t believe he called me a psycho.”

Richard: “Hey, were you in there just now? You are a psycho… Good God. And comb your hair.”

41. Tommy: “Richard, do I have a mark on my face? It really hurts.”

Richard: “Nope, nothing. I thought I hit you on the shoulder.”

Tommy: “My shoulder doesn’t hurt very much, but my face does. [Points to huge bruised area on his face] Right here. Not here or here so much. Right here.”

Richard: “Nope. Shipshape! Waitress, can I get that shrimp cocktail I saw in the glass case?”

Tommy Boy quotes about guarantees, selling, and other management situations

42. Tommy: “Here’s the way I see it, Ted. Guy puts a fancy guarantee on a box ’cause he wants you to feel all warm and toasty inside.”

Ted Nelson: “Yeah, makes a man feel good.”

Tommy: “‘Course it does. Why shouldn’t it? Ya figure you put that little box under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quarter, am I right, Ted?”

43. Ted Nelson: “But why do they put a guarantee on the box?”

Tommy: “Because they know all they sold ya was a guaranteed piece of shit. That’s all it is, isn’t it? Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for now, for your customer’s sake, for your daughter’s sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality product from me.”

44. Ted Nelson: [pause] “Okay, I’ll buy from you.”

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Tommy: “Well, that’s …”

Richard: “…What?”

45. “You’re right! You’re not your dad! He could sell a ketchup Popsicle to a woman in white gloves!” ― Richard Hayden

46. Richard: “What is our carrying charge for all the merchandise in the warehouse?”

Tommy: “Ohhhh, man…”

Richard: “One and a…”

Tommy: “…half percent. I knew that. Why can’t I remember it?”

47. “Oh, that sounds good! Melted chocolate inside the dash, that really ups the resale value.” ― Richard Hayden

48. “Oh, yeah… We don’t take no for an answer! We don’t take no for an answer!” ― Tommy Callahan

49. “Boy, this is the worst. My so-called family deserts me. Michelle’s mad at me. I’ve lost the factory, the town’s going under and I’m out of a job. ― Tommy Callahan

50.Tommy: “Hey, what’s your name?”

Helen: “Helen.”

Tommy: “That’s nice, you look like a Helen. Helen, we’re both in sales. Let me tell you why I suck as a salesman. Let’s say I go into a guy’s office, let’s say he’s even remotely interested in buying something. Well, then I get all excited. I’m like Jojo the idiot circus boy with a pretty new pet. Now the pet is my possible sale. Hello there pretty little pet, I love you. And then I stoke it, and I pet it, and I massage it. Hehe, I love it, I love my little naughty pet, you’re naughty.”

Which of these Tommy Boy quotes is your favorite?

To stop his new corrupt “stepmom” Beverly and “stepbrother” Paul from selling the company to rival Zalinsky, Richard and Tommy embark on a quest to secure the sales the company needs. However, Paul sabotages them at every turn.

The pair try to gain access to the Zalinsky board room but are denied. When Michelle arrives with Paul and Beverly’s police records, Tommy comes up with a plan. He pretends to be a suicide bomber (using road flares) and attracts a live television news crew.

The unlikely trio of heroes forces their way into the boardroom. Callahan workers watch the drama unfold on TV. The workers watch on TV as Zalinsky signs Tommy’s purchase order for 500,000 brake pads. Zalinsky scoffs at them, claiming the purchase order is moot because he will soon own Callahan Auto.

However, the police records confirm that Beverly and Paul are legally married, which makes her marriage to Big Tom null and void. Controlling shares transfer to Tommy, who does not wish to sell the company, and calls in Zalinksy’s purchase order, saving the company from financial ruin.

What are your favorite Tommy Boy quotes and lines? You can let us know in the comment section below.

Danielle Dahl, Lead Contributor
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