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My Cousin Vinny Quotes From the Legal Comedy of the 90s

These My Cousin Vinny quotes and lines are guaranteed to make you laugh.

My Cousin Vinny, a 1992 American comedy, is packed with some of my favorite 90s-era film stars.

Ralph Macchio (The Karate Kid) stars as Billy Gambini.

Billy and his friend, Stan Rothenstein, are both college kids from New York.

They are taking the scenic route to UCLA, where they both received a scholarship.

The boys stop at a gas station in Wahzoo, Alabama to make a snack run.

After spending a small fortune on junk, they hop back in their car and hit the road.

The funny My Cousin Vinny quotes start early in the film, so pay attention!

A few miles later, Billy realizes that he accidentally stole a can of tuna.

They banter back and forth about the punishment for crimes in the south when they realize there is a police officer behind them.

The cop pulls them over, pulls out his rifle, and starts ordering the boys to put their hands on their heads and exit the vehicle.

At this scene, I was like what the heck is this cop’s problem?

Now, I had not seen this movie until last night, which according to my sisters was like a capital crime.

I asked my husband, our household’s movie buff if this movie was as good as they kept saying.

He said I would enjoy it as someone who is Italian, was born in Brooklyn, and lived in NY, but grew up predominantly in the South.

And that is how I got sucked into watching this hilarious legal comedy.

The film was written by Dale Launer and directed by Jonathan Lynn.

It starred Joe Pesci, Ralph Macchio, Marisa Tomei, Mitchell Whitfield, and Fred Gwynne.

It was released on March 13, 1992, and was both a critical and commercial success.

Pesci, Gwynne, and Tomei received praise for their performances with Tomei winning the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress.

Keep reading to find out what happens to Billy and Stan, and have a chuckle at these My Cousin Vinny quotes.

Don’t forget to also check out these Tropic Thunder quotes that will make you laugh.

Funny My Cousin Vinny quotes and lines that are guaranteed to make you laugh

1. “I guess the fucking thing is broken.” — Vinny

2. “You can get it? All right, go get it. Then we’ll fight.” — Vinny

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3. “You’ve been a lovely, lovely witness.” — Vinny

4. “Well, if you turned it off, why am I listening to it?” — Vinny

5. “That’s it. You’re on your own. I’ll just take care of Sleeping Beauty.” — Vinny

6. “Excuse me, but I think a modicum of gratitude would not be out of line here.” — Vinny

7. “Oh, no, no, in reality. If I was to kick the shit outta ya, do I get the money?” — Vinny

8. “My problem is, I wanted to win my first case without any help from anybody.” — Vinny

9. “Take your time, pick the right words, get back to New York and give me a call.” Vinny

10. “Well, I’m not Jerry Gallo! I’m Jerry C-allo! C-A-LLO.” — Vinny

11. Vinny: “Yesterday you told me that freight train hardly ever comes through here at 5:00 A.M. in the morning.”

Hotel Clerk: “I know. She’s supposed to come through at ten after 4:00.”

12. “My alternatives? To what, to you? I don’t know, suicide, death…” — Stan

13. Vinny: “Yeah, it’s your ass, not mine. I think you should be grateful. I think you should be down on your fucking knees.”

Stan: “I’m sorry I didn’t know it was such an honor to get a visit from you.”

14. Vinny: “What the fuck is your problem? I did not come down here just to get jerked off.”

Stan: “No. No, no. I’m not jerking you off. I’m not doing anything.”

Best My Cousin Vinny quotes from Ms. Mona Lisa Vito

15. Mona Lisa Vito: “The car that made these two, equal-length tire marks had positraction. You can’t make those marks without positraction, which was not available on the ’64 Buick Skylark!”

Vinny Gambini: “Is that it?”

Mona Lisa Vito: “No, there’s more! You see? When the left tire mark goes up on the curb and the right tire mark stays flat and even? Well, the ’64 Skylark had a solid rear axle, so when the left tire would go up on the curb, the right tire would tilt out and ride along its edge. But that didn’t happen here. The tire mark stayed flat and even. This car had an independent rear suspension. Now, in the ‘60s, there were only two other cars made in America that had positraction, and independent rear suspension, and enough power to make these marks. One was the Corvette, which could never be confused with the Buick Skylark. The other had the same body length, height, width, weight, wheelbase, and wheel track as the ’64 Skylark, and that was the 1963 Pontiac Tempest.”

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16. Mona Lisa Vito: “Did it ever occur to you that it could be turned off and drip at the same time?”

Vinny: “No, because if you turned it off, it wouldn’t drip.”

17. Mona Lisa Vito: “Because I used a Craftsman model 1019 Laboratory edition, signature series torque wrench. The kind used by Cal Tech High Energy physicists, and NASA engineers.”

Vinny: “In that case, how can you be sure that’s accurate?”

Mona Lisa Vito: “Because a split second before the torque wrench was applied to the faucet handle, it had been calibrated by top members of the state and federal Departments of Weights and Measures, to be dead-on balls accurate. Here’s the certificate of validation.”

18. “It’s a limited-slip differential which distributes power equally to both the right and left tires. The ’64 Skylark had a regular differential, which anyone who’s been stuck in the mud in Alabama knows. You step on the gas, one tire spins, the other tire does nothing.” — Mona Lisa Vito

19. “You wanna know what I’m nervous about? I’ll tell you what I’m nervous about. I am in the dark here with all this legal crap. I have no idea what’s going on. All I know is that you’re screwing up and I can’t help.” — Mona Lisa Vito

20. “Well, I hate to bring it up because I know you’ve got enough pressure on you already. But, we agreed to get married as soon as you won your first case. Meanwhile, ten years later, my niece, the daughter of my sister, is getting married. My biological clock is (stamps foot three times) ticking like this, and the way this case is going, I ain’t never getting married!” — Mona Lisa Vito

21. “I had a friend send a fax to the judge, confirming the very impressive legal stature of Jerry C-allo!”  Mona Lisa Vito

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22. “Oh, Vinny! I’m watching you go down in flames, and you’re bringing me with you, and I can’t do anything about it!” — Mona Lisa Vito

23. “If you will look in the manual, you will see that this particular model faucet requires a range of 10-16 foot-pounds of torque. I routinely twist the maximum allowable torquage.” — Mona Lisa Vito

24. Vinny: “Uh, everything that guy just said is bullshit. Thank you.”

Jim Trotter: “Objection, Your Honor, counsel’s entire opening statement is an argument.”

Judge Haller: “Objection sustained. Counsel’s entire opening statement, with the exception of “thank you,” will be stricken from the record.”

25. Vinny: “My clients were caught completely by surprise. They thought they were getting arrested for shoplifting a can of tuna.”

Judge Haller: “What are you telling me? That they plead not guilty?”

Vinny: “No. I’m just trying to explain.”

Which of these My Cousin Vinny quotes is your favorite?

The boys realize they are being arrested for murder, and not shoplifting a can of tuna, albeit a little slowly.

Billy, like any good Italian boy, calls his mother to help them out of this jam.

They can’t afford a lawyer, but his mother reminds him that his cousin Vinny is a lawyer and promises that he will help.

Vinny, played by Joe Pesci, drives to Alabama with his fiance, Ms. Mona Lisa Vito, who the lovely Marisa Tomei portrays.

Vinny is a personal injury lawyer, who has never tried a case.

He butts heads with the judge and doesn’t really grasp court procedure.

The trial gets off to a bumbling start, but we start to notice what Billy means when he explains to Stan that Vinny is just “being Vinny.”

He is actually quite the puzzle solver and a slick lawyer.

The movie is definitely worth the watch if you haven’t seen it, and it was a critical and financial success back in the day.

As someone who is familiar with both New York Italian families and southern customs, it cracked me up.

I also love legal films and this one is a classic.

What are your favorite My Cousin Vinny quotes and lines?

Let us know in the comment section below.

Danielle Dahl, Lead Contributor
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