Let laughter cure all of your ailments with these hilarious Steven Wright quotes.
Steven Alexander Wright is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and film producer.
He is considered one of the greatest stand-up comics of his time.
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Born on December 6, 1955, in Cambridge, Massachusetts, Wright has been a staple on the comedy scene since the 80s.
His hilarious one-liners and incredibly witty-dead-pan delivery never fail to pull the giggles from your belly.
What makes Steven Wright one-of-a-kind?
In fact, Steven Wright is so ubiquitous on the comedy scene that he was named one of Rolling Stone’s 50 Greatest Stand-Up Comics and has been nominated for Grammy awards due to his incredible work.
Throughout his illustrious career, Steven Wright’s quotes have become some of the most-quoted comedy material of all time – and today, we’ve collected a great assortment of clever quotes from the genius mind of this hilarious man to bust your sides open today.
If you need some relief from the chaos and insanity that is the real world, enjoy these Steven Wright quotes and let laughter cure all of your ailments.
If you like this article, we suggest you explore our most popular quotes article, a list of short inspirational quotes for daily encouragement.
Read more related content on our inspirational quotes category page.
Steven Wright quotes that will bust your sides open
1. “Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.” – Steven Wright
2. “The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” – Steven Wright
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3. “The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.” – Steven Wright
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4. “The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.” – Steven Wright
5. “The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.” – Steven Wright
6. “The judge asked, “What do you plead?” I said, “Insanity, your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?”” – Steven Wright
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7. “The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.” – Steven Wright
8. “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.” – Steven Wright
9. “Today I dialed a wrong number… The other person said, “Hello?” and I said, “Hello, could I speak to Joey?”… They said, “Uh… I don’t think so…he’s only 2 months old.” I said, “I’ll wait.”” – Steven Wright
10. “What a nice night for an evening.” – Steven Wright
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Hilarious Steven Wright quotes
11. “What happens if you get scared half to death twice?” – Steven Wright
12. “What’s another word for Thesaurus?” – Steven Wright
13. “When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.” – Steven Wright
14. “I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.” – Steven Wright
15. “I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.” – Steven Wright
16. “I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.” – Steven Wright
17. “I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, “If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?”” – Steven Wright
18. “If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.” – Steven Wright
19. “If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?” – Steven Wright
20. “I went to a fancy french restaurant called “Deja Vu.” The headwaiter said, “Don’t I know you?”” – Steven Wright
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Steven Wright quotes that will make your day
21. “I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.” – Steven Wright
22. “I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.” – Steven Wright
23. “I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, “What for?” I said, “I’m going to buy some sugar.”” – Steven Wright
24. “If you write the word “monkey” a million times, do you start to think you’re Shakespeare?” – Steven Wright
25. “If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.” – Steven Wright
26. “In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above…so I never have to go upstairs.” – Steven Wright
27. “In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.” – Steven Wright
28. “It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.” – Steven Wright
29. “Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.” – Steven Wright
30. “Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.” – Steven Wright
Funny Steven Wright quotes
31. “Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.” – Steven Wright
32. “My socks DO match. They’re the same thickness.” – Steven Wright
33. “My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.” – Steven Wright
34. “Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn’t going to be on the road an hour.” – Steven Wright
35. “OK, so what’s the speed of dark?” – Steven Wright
36. “If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?” – Steven Wright
37. “You can’t have everything … where would you put it?” – Steven Wright
38. “I’m so tired… I was up all night trying to round off infinity.” – Steven Wright
39. “I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.” – Steven Wright
40. “Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?” – Steven Wright
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Steven Wright quotes to make you laugh
41. “If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?” – Steven Wright
42. “If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.” – Steven Wright
43. “If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?” – Steven Wright
44. “If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.” – Steven Wright
45. “Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.” – Steven Wright
46. “Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.” – Steven Wright
47. “Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.” – Steven Wright
48. “Smoking cures weight problems…eventually.” – Steven Wright
49. “Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”” – Steven Wright
50. “How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?” – Steven Wright
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More Steven Wright quotes and sayings
51. “Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” – Steven Wright
52. “The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.” – Steven Wright
53. “There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.” – Steven Wright
54. “Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.” – Steven Wright
55. “Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.” – Steven Wright
56. “A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.” – Steven Wright
57. “Always remember your unique, just like everone else.” – Steven Wright
58. “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.” – Steven Wright
59. “Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.” – Steven Wright
Steven Wright quotes to give you a laugh when you need one
60. “A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.” –Steven Wright
61. “Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect.” –Steven Wright
62. “I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.” –Steven Wright
63. “I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.” –Steven Wright
64. “Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.” –Steven Wright
65. “I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there.” –Steven Wright
66. “When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child…eventually.” –Steven Wright
67. “Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?” –Steven Wright
68. “I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.” –Steven Wright
69. “My neighbor has a circular driveway…he can’t get out.” –Steven Wright
70. “I installed a skylight in my apartment…the people who live above me are furious!” –Steven Wright
Steven Wright Quotes To Make You Smile on a Bright Day
71. “If God dropped acid, would he see people?” — Steven Wright
72. “If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them.” — Steven Wright
73. “What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?” — Steven Wright
74. “If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?” — Steven Wright
75. “On the other hand, you have different fingers.” — Steven Wright
76. “I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.” — Steven Wright
77. “Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?” — Steven Wright
78. “I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.” — Steven Wright
79. “Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.” — Steven Wright
80. “I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.” — Steven Wright
Steven Wright Quotes To Cheer Up Your Day
81. “If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.” ― Steven Wright
82. “I named my dog Stay, so I can say, ‘Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!” ― Steven Wright
83. “I got a garage door opener. It can’t close. Just open.” ― Steven Wright
84. “My secret to staying young… Having no sense of time.” ― Steven Wright
85. “When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?” ― Steven Wright
86. “At one point he decided enough was enough.” ― Steven Wright
87. “I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.” ― Steven Wright
88. “I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it.” ― Steven Wright
89. “Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I’m unfamiliar with… just to screw with my subconscious.” ― Steven Wright
90. “I bought a cheap piece of land… It was on someone else’s property.” ― Steven Wright
Not Done With the Funnies Yet?
Steven Wright is a legend in the comedy community, and it’s quite clear from these quotes that he has an in-born talent for writing incredible jokes that never lose their timeless appeal.
If you’re looking for more Steven Wright quotes, there are hundreds of jokes out there on the internet for you to find on your search for some of the best comedy writing out there.
If you aren’t done busting your sides from funny quotes just yet, we have a ton more where that came from.
Or if you need more generalized funnies, there are also funny quotes on friendship to keep you giggling.
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