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Funny Christmas Quotes to Lighten Up your Holidays

Funny Christmas quotes never fail to put a smile on everyone’s faces especially when holiday shopping is getting a little bit unbearable, for some of us at least, who have to navigate the crowded malls looking for the best Christmas gifts for our loved ones.

How will you enjoy your holidays?

Below you’ll find some funny Christmas quotes from famous celebrities and some funny Christmas one-liners we found online to keep your patience longer and your holiday spirit at its best.

Hopefully, you get entertained as you brave the holiday crowd to go shopping armed with your long Christmas list or perhaps, as you prepare to travel to spend time with your friends and family this special time of the year.

Here is our collection of inspirational, hilarious, and funny Christmas quotes, collected from a variety of sources over the years.

Read them, and forget to also check out our list of the best happy holidays quotes.

Funny Christmas Quotes to Lighten Up your Holidays

1. “There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.” – Bob Phillips

2. “Christmas: the only time of year you can sit in front of a dead tree eating candy out of socks.” – Anonymous

3. “Holiday lights should be festive while at the same time not encouraging aircraft to land.” – Charles Lake on Twitter

4. “How can you not love eggnog? You’re basically getting wasted on ice cream.” – Bill Maher

5. “How do you know when Santa’s in the room? You can sense his presents.” – Unknown

6. “I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me “Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace” So I bought her nothing.” – Unknown
If you’re enjoying these quotes, you’ll love our collection of diamond quotes about lasting forever and shining bright.

7. “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red.” – Anonymous

8. “I’m releasing a holiday song called, “All I Want for Christmas is my Parents’ Freaking Wifi Password.” – Damien Fahey on Twitter

9. “Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip.”– Gary Allan

10. “Nothing says holidays like a cheese log.” —Ellen DeGeneres

Funny Christmas quotes that will put a smile on your face

11. “Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.” — Dennis Miller

12. “All I want for Christmas is for my family to stop trying to talk to me while I’m trying to tweet.” – Robin Wood on Twitter

13. “The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen for 20 minutes.” – Julius Sharpe

If you’re enjoying these quotes, make sure to read our collection of The Office quotes from the iconic hit show.

14. “Three Wise WOMEN would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, bought practical gifts, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and there would be peace on earth!” – Anonymous

15. “What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.” – Unknown

16. “Which of Santa’s reindeers needs to mind his manners the most? “Rude”olph” – Unknown

17. “Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.” – Unknown

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18. “At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional.” – Robert Godden

19. “Bloody Christmas, here again, let us raise a loving cup, peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.” – Wendy Cope

20. “Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.”– Andy Borowitz

If you’re enjoying these quotes, make sure to check out our collection of Merry Christmas quotes that help us celebrate the holiday.

Funny Christmas quotes that will make you laugh out loud

21. “Christmas is a magical time of year… I just watched all my money magically disappear.” – Unknown

22. “Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even when you’re home.” –Carol Nelson

23. “Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.” – Unknown

24. “Christmas Shopping: Wouldn’t it be wonderful to find one gift that you didn’t have to dust, that had to be used right away, that was practical, fit everyone, was personal and would be remembered for a long time? I penciled in “Gift certificate for a flu shot.” – Erma Bombeck

25. “Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.” – Tom Sims

26. “I left Santa gluten-free cookies and organic soy milk and he put a solar panel in my stocking.” – Unknown

27. “I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.” – Henny Youngman

28. “I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.’” – Bernard Manning

29. “I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.” – Shirley Temple

30. “If you can’t wrap Christmas presents well, at least make it look like they put up a good fight.” – Unknown

Funny Christmas quotes to keep your spirits bright

31. “Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.” – Bridger Winegar

32. “Let me see if I’ve got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money?” – Tom Armstrong

33. “Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.” – Johnny Carson

34. “Mentally I am ready for Christmas, financially I am not ready for Christmas.” – Unknown

35. “My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.”– Melanie White

36. “My mother-in-law has come around to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we’re having a change. We’re going to let her in.” – Leslie “Les” Dawson, Jr.

37. “Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.” – Kin Hubbard

38. “Once again, we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.” – Dave Berry

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39. “One can never have enough socks. Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn’t get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.” – Professor Dumbledore on “Harry Potter

40. “People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.” – Unknown

Other funny Christmas quotes that will crack you up

41. “Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.” – Unknown

42. “The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.” – Joan Rivers

43. “The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.” – Jay Leno

44. “The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.” – Johnny Carson

45. “There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?” – Conan O’Brien

46. “There are some people who want to throw their arms round you simply because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas.” – Robert Staughton Lynd

47. “This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.” – Anthony Jeselnik

48. “Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.” – Unknown

49. “What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller

50. “What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.” – Don Marquis

Funny Christmas quotes to enjoy when you have the holiday stress

51. “I hate the radio this time of year because they play ‘All I Want for Christmas is You’ like, every other song. And that’s just not enough.” –Bridger Winegar

52. “Ever wonder what people got Jesus Christmas? It’s like, ‘Oh, great, socks. You know I’m dying for your sins, right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They’ll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?’” –Jim Gaffigan

53. “One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas Day. Don’t clean it up too quickly.” –Andy Rooney

54. “Christmas: It’s the only religious holiday that’s also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state.” –Samantha Bee

55. “I grew up on a Christmas tree farm so this is a good season for me. I was too young to help with the hauling of the trees up the hills and putting them onto cars. So, it was my job to pull the praying mantis pods off of the Christmas trees.” –Taylor Swift

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56. “Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.” -Larry Wilde

57. “You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.” -Robert Paul

58. “Christmas is a box of tree ornaments that have become part of the family.” –Charles M. Schultz

59. “I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.” –Winston Spear

60. “Thank you, stockings, for being a long flammable piece of fabric people like to hang over a roaring fireplace.” –Jimmy Fallon 

Funny Christmas Quotes That Make You Miss Christmas Holiday

61. “One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.” — Louis C.K.

62. “A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.” — Garrison Keillor

63. “I just want to be rich enough to buy enough ornaments to cover more than one side of the tree.” — Charlotte Christmas

64. “The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.” — George Carlin

65. “You can just hear Santa saying ‘Ho, Ho, Ho’ when you receive your credit card statement in January.” — Kate Summers

66. “Some people are born for Halloween, and some are just counting the days until Christmas.” — Stephen Jones

67. “I never get to see Santa Claus come down the chimney because I always get too tired and fall asleep from eating all his cookies while waiting for him.” — Theodore W. Higginsworth

68. “Christmas is the season when people run out of money before they run out of friends.” — Larry Wilde

69. “More than Santa Claus, your sister knows when you’ve been bad and good.” — Linda Sunshine

70. “Santa Clause wears a red suit. He must be a communist. And long hair. He must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe he’s smoking?” — Arlo Guthrie

Did you enjoy these funny Christmas quotes?

The holidays are upon us and what better way to enjoy them than laugh our hearts out amidst the hustle and bustle, the chaos of last-minute gift-hunting, and the festivities.

Try sparking up a conversation with these funny Christmas quotes whether you’re standing in line in stores or at holiday gatherings in the company of strangers or with your friends and family.

The gift of laughter is one of the best presents you can give yourself and others.

You’ll need lots of it too before running back home to put your feet up, enjoy the warmth of your living room or kitchen, and sip a hot cup of tea or cocoa while nibbling on freshly baked Christmas cookies.

Which of these funny Christmas quotes and sayings is your favorite?

Do you have any other quotes to add to the list?

Let us know in the comment section below.

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