85 George Carlin Quotes To Make You Laugh, Then Think

The world loved him for the way he could find humor in almost anything, and these George Carlin quotes about life and politics will make you think. Ready for a laugh? You’re in the right place!

There are few who are as influential as the great George Carlin. What he has contributed to American culture, and humanity itself, goes beyond any earthly limitations. Although his work sparked controversy, Carlin presented witty and thought-provoking perspectives on our society that continue to echo throughout the world.

A true light like Carlin’s is never snuffed. It survived through satirical words and the craftsmanship of evoking laughter, while sharing his wisdom with those around him.

These next 50 George Carlin quotes embody his infectious personality and whimsical outlook, offering a much needed dose of laughter, irony, and reassurance in this crazy and disorderly life.

Also check out our collection of Dave Chappelle quotes and sayings that are hilarious and insightful.

Funny George Carlin quotes about life and love

1. “The planet is fine. The people are fucked.” – George Carlin

2. “Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.” – George Carlin

Make sure to check out our collection of pet quotes that celebrate our animal loved ones.

3. “Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.” – George Carlin

4. “Conservatives say if you don’t give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they’ve lost all incentive because we’ve given them too much money.” – George Carlin

5. “Electricity is really just organized lightning.” – George Carlin

6. “May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.” – George Carlin

7. “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.” – George Carlin

8. “Just ‘cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean that the circus has left town.” – George Carlin

9. “We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We’ve learned how to make a living but not a life. We’ve added years to life, not life to years.” – George Carlin

10. “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.” – George Carlin

The best George Carlin quotes for a good laugh

11. “Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.” – George Carlin

12. “That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.” – George Carlin

13. “Don’t just teach your children to read…teach them to question everything that they read…teach them to question everything.” – George Carlin

14. “We’ve added years to life, not life to years.” – George Carlin

15. “Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.” – George Carlin

16. “Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.” – George Carlin

17. “In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.” – George Carlin

18. “When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts.” – George Carlin

19. “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” – George Carlin

20. “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?” – George Carlin

Remember to also check out our collection of hilarious Talladega Nights quotes.

Quotes from George Carlin about politics and work

21. “I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.” – George Carlin

22. “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough not to quit.” – George Carlin

23. “Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.” – George Carlin

24. “If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re going to have selfish, ignorant leaders.” – George Carlin

25. “There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.” – George Carlin

26. “By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.” – George Carlin

27. “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” – George Carlin

28. “When you are born, you get a ticket to the freak show. When you are born in America, you get a front row seat.” – George Carlin

29. “’Meow’ means ‘woof’ in cat.” – George Carlin

30. “Religion is like a pair of shoes…Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.” – George Carlin

 

George Carlin quotes and other funny stuff

31. “If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.” – George Carlin

32. “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.” – George Carlin

33. “Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.” – George Carlin

34. “Think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of them are stupider than that.” – George Carlin

35. “One can never know for sure what a deserted area can look like.” – George Carlin

36. “A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.” – George Carlin

37. “I don’t have pet peeves – I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.” – George Carlin

38. “Some people see the glass half full, others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.” – George Carlin

39. “Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.” – George Carlin

40. “Careful, if you think too much, they’ll take you away.” – George Carlin

Don’t forget to also read these hilarious Rodney Dangerfield quotes.

George Carlin quotes that will expand your mind

41. “I think people should be allowed to do what they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.” – George Carlin

42. “If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.” – George Carlin

43. “Atheism is a non-prophet organization.” – George Carlin (see more quotes about atheism)

44. “How is it possible to have a civil war?” – George Carlin

45. “When you step on the brakes, your life is in your foot’s hands.” – George Carlin

46. “Think off-center.” – George Carlin

47. “I often warn people: ‘Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, ‘There is no ‘I’ in team.’ What you should tell them is, ‘Maybe not. But there is an ‘I’ in independence, individuality, and integrity.” – George Carlin

48. “If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.” – George Carlin

49. “The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.” – George Carlin

50. “Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.” – George Carlin

Amazing George Carlin quotes of all time

51. “When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.”― George Carlin

52. “Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.”― George Carlin

53. “People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them.”― George Carlin

54. “I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.”― George Carlin

55. “My advice: just keep movin’ straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.”― George Carlin

56. “The future will soon be a thing of the past.”― George Carlin

57. “Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.”― George Carlin

58. “Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bullshit they teach you in school.”― George Carlin

59. “I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.”― George Carlin

60. “If you can’t say something nice about a person, go ahead.”― George Carlin

61. “If you have selfish ignorant citizens, you’re gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.”― George Carlin

62. “I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.”― George Carlin

63. “There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.”― George Carlin

64. “Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.”― George Carlin

65. “Life is not measured by the number of breath we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. ― George Carlin

Powerful George Carlin quotes 

66. “The main reason Santa is so jolly is that he knows where all the bad girls live.” – George Carlin

67. “Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.” – George Carlin

68. “If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse.” – George Carlin

69. “One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.” –George Carlin

70. “Tell people an invisible man in the sky created all things, they believe you. Tell them what you’ve painted is wet, they have to touch it to believe.” –
George Carlin

71. “The only person who is with us our entire life is ourselves.” – George Carlin

72. “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.” – George Carlin

73. “We think in language. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language.” – George Carlin

74. “If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?” – George Carlin

More George Carlin quotes and sayings

75. “To me, authority is something that a freer spirit, a more independent mind, and a person who can handle the world, doesn’t need guidance from.” – George Carlin

76. “Don’t confuse me with those who cling to hope. I enjoy describing how things are, I have no interest in how they ‘ought to be.’ And I certainly have no interest in fixing them. I sincerely believe that if you think there’s a solution, you’re part of the problem. My motto: Fuck Hope!” – George Carlin

77. “If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.” – George Carlin

78. “Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it’s trying to save its body.” – George Carlin

79. “I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend – I didn’t bother with him.” – George Carlin

80. “People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can’t do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: ‘I’m such a klutz!’ But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.” – George Carlin

81. “Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason.” – George Carlin

82. “They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.” – George Carlin

83. “Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time.” – George Carlin

84. “I don’t believe there’s any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can’t completely ignore.” – George Carlin

85. “I’m not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.” – George Carlin

Which of these George Carlin quotes made you smile?

Everyone is allowed to take a moment and laugh at life’s varying complications. We need those chances to let loose, find our grounding, and flush out our trivial worries. Let the words of George Carlin inspire you to live a life full of love, courage, and happiness.

Use these excerpts as a reminder not to take things so seriously. The next time you find yourself needing an escape from reality, read these George Carlin quotes and chuckle to yourself, knowing everything is going to be okay.

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