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George Carlin Quotes To Make You Laugh, Then Think

The world loved him for the way he could find humor in almost anything, and these George Carlin quotes about life and politics will make you think. Ready for a laugh? You’re in the right place!

There are few who are as influential as the great George Carlin. What he has contributed to American culture, and humanity itself, goes beyond any earthly limitations. Although his work sparked controversy, Carlin presented witty and thought-provoking perspectives on our society that continue to echo throughout the world.

A true light like Carlin’s is never snuffed. It survived through satirical words and the craftsmanship of evoking laughter, while sharing his wisdom with those around him.

These George Carlin quotes embody his infectious personality and whimsical outlook, offering a much needed dose of laughter, irony, and reassurance in this crazy and disorderly life.

Also check out our collection of Dave Chappelle quotes and sayings that are hilarious and insightful.

Funny George Carlin quotes about life and love

1. “The planet is fine. The people are fucked.” – George Carlin

2. “Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.” – George Carlin

Make sure to check out our collection of pet quotes that celebrate our animal loved ones.

3. “Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.” – George Carlin

4. “Conservatives say if you don’t give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they’ve lost all incentive because we’ve given them too much money.” – George Carlin

5. “Electricity is really just organized lightning.” – George Carlin

6. “May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.” – George Carlin

7. “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.” – George Carlin

8. “Just ‘cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean that the circus has left town.” – George Carlin

9. “We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We’ve learned how to make a living but not a life. We’ve added years to life, not life to years.” – George Carlin

10. “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.” – George Carlin

The best George Carlin quotes for a good laugh

11. “Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.” – George Carlin

12. “That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.” – George Carlin

13. “Don’t just teach your children to read…teach them to question everything that they read…teach them to question everything.” – George Carlin

14. “We’ve added years to life, not life to years.” – George Carlin

15. “Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.” – George Carlin

16. “Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.” – George Carlin

17. “In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.” – George Carlin

18. “When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts.” – George Carlin

19. “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” – George Carlin

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20. “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?” – George Carlin

Remember to also check out our collection of hilarious Talladega Nights quotes.

Quotes from George Carlin about politics and work

21. “I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.” – George Carlin

22. “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough not to quit.” – George Carlin

23. “Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.” – George Carlin

24. “If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re going to have selfish, ignorant leaders.” – George Carlin

25. “There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.” – George Carlin

26. “By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.” – George Carlin

27. “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” – George Carlin

28. “It’s never just a game when you’re winning.” – George Carlin

29. “Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.” – George Carlin

30. “People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.” – George Carlin

George Carlin quotes and other funny stuff

31. “If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.” – George Carlin

32. “Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.” – George Carlin

33. “Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.” – George Carlin

34. “Think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of them are stupider than that.” – George Carlin

35. “One can never know for sure what a deserted area can look like.” – George Carlin

36. “A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.” – George Carlin

37. “I don’t have pet peeves – I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.” – George Carlin

38. “Some people see the glass half full, others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.” – George Carlin

39. “You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.” – George Carlin

40. “Careful, if you think too much, they’ll take you away.” – George Carlin

Don’t forget to also read these hilarious Rodney Dangerfield quotes.

George Carlin quotes that will expand your mind

41. “I think people should be allowed to do what they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.” – George Carlin

42. “If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.” – George Carlin

43. “Atheism is a non-prophet organization.” – George Carlin (see more quotes about atheism)

44. “How is it possible to have a civil war?” – George Carlin

45. “When you step on the brakes, your life is in your foot’s hands.” – George Carlin

46. “Think off-center.” – George Carlin

47. “I often warn people: ‘Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, ‘There is no ‘I’ in team.’ What you should tell them is, ‘Maybe not. But there is an ‘I’ in independence, individuality, and integrity.” – George Carlin

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48. “If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.” – George Carlin

49. “The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.” – George Carlin

50. “Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.” – George Carlin

Amazing George Carlin quotes of all time

51. “When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.”― George Carlin

52. “Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.”― George Carlin

53. “People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them.”― George Carlin

54. “I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.”― George Carlin

55. “My advice: just keep movin’ straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.”― George Carlin

56. “The future will soon be a thing of the past.”― George Carlin

57. “Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.”― George Carlin

58. “Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bullshit they teach you in school.”― George Carlin

59. “I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.”― George Carlin

60. “If you can’t say something nice about a person, go ahead.”― George Carlin

61. “If you have selfish ignorant citizens, you’re gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.”― George Carlin

62. “I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.”― George Carlin

63. “There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.”― George Carlin

64. “Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.”― George Carlin

65. “Life is not measured by the number of breath we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. ― George Carlin

Powerful George Carlin quotes 

66. “The main reason Santa is so jolly is that he knows where all the bad girls live.” – George Carlin

67. “Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.” – George Carlin

68. “If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse.” – George Carlin

69. “I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.” –George Carlin

70. “Tell people an invisible man in the sky created all things, they believe you. Tell them what you’ve painted is wet, they have to touch it to believe.” –
George Carlin

71. “The only person who is with us our entire life is ourselves.” – George Carlin

72. “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.” – George Carlin

73. “We think in language. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language.” – George Carlin

74. “If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?” – George Carlin

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More George Carlin quotes and sayings

75. “To me, authority is something that a freer spirit, a more independent mind, and a person who can handle the world, doesn’t need guidance from.” – George Carlin

76. “I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.” – George Carlin

77. “I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.” – George Carlin

78. “Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it’s trying to save its body.” – George Carlin

79. “I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend – I didn’t bother with him.” – George Carlin

80. ““The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” – George Carlin

81. “Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason.” – George Carlin

82. “They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.” – George Carlin

83. “Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time.” – George Carlin

84. “I don’t believe there’s any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can’t completely ignore.” – George Carlin

85. “I’m not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile, I should be able to have more than my fair share.” – George Carlin

George Carlin quotes about America and other things

86. “Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack.” — George Carlin

87. “We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.” — George Carlin

88. “Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.” — George Carlin

89. “Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.” — George Carlin

90. “The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.” — George Carlin

91. “Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.” — George Carlin

92. “Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.” — George Carlin

93. “Although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.” — George Carlin

94. “I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently, I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.” — George Carlin

Which of these George Carlin quotes made you smile?

Everyone is allowed to take a moment and laugh at life’s varying complications. We need those chances to let loose, find our grounding, and flush out our trivial worries. Let the words of George Carlin inspire you to live a life full of love, courage, and happiness.

Use these excerpts as a reminder not to take things so seriously. The next time you find yourself needing an escape from reality, read these George Carlin quotes and chuckle to yourself, knowing everything is going to be okay.

Norbert Juma, Lead Editor
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  1. naces

    March 13, 2022 at 4:34 PM

    He didn’t believe in imaginary friends.

  2. Gurt

    July 9, 2020 at 2:20 PM

    My Personal favourite is “Political correctness is fascism pretending to be manners.”
    George made you feel both good and bad about yourself but had you laughing all the while


    May 5, 2020 at 3:36 PM

    can you imagine if george, bill hicks, robin and richard pryor were alive in the trump administration? unlimited material for years! and man do we need them now.

  4. Zartosht

    April 18, 2020 at 5:27 PM

    George is alive and well. After a Trump political rally I heard him loud and clear. He said: “ never underestimate the power of stupid people in a large group.”
    When it came to Trump I heard him say: “ I don’t have pet peeves; I have major psychotic fucking hatred.”

  5. John

    October 8, 2019 at 4:22 PM

    “Things you don’t want to hear; I’m Pregnant you’re the father and I’m going to kill all 3 of us!”

  6. Doug Reichert

    September 27, 2019 at 6:51 PM

    Saw George 4 times. The last being in April 2008. He died 2 months later. I also have a picture of he and i at the book signing of “Brain Droppings” He was good enough to sign my book and ALL of my vinyl albums that i brought too. I’ll cherish that forever

  7. Chris bartlett

    July 19, 2019 at 1:07 PM

    Quite a few of these are not George Carlin you really need to check your sources

  8. Ari JR

    June 17, 2019 at 10:23 AM

    #3 is misattributed, that’s much too “feel good” to have been anything Carlin would have said!

  9. Nel

    May 7, 2019 at 6:15 AM

    The best of the best he was and is.

  10. Patricia Bleasdale

    March 9, 2019 at 11:02 AM

    Love his humour and humanity

  11. Arthienyer

    July 19, 2018 at 4:06 PM

    Thanks Jeff. I remember the great humor and intellect of George Carlin. He is sorely missed.
    My favorite quote is: 47.) “I often warn people: ‘Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, ‘There is no ‘I’ in team.’ What you should tell them is, ‘Maybe not. But there is an ‘I’ in independence, individuality, and integrity.” – George Carlin

    Everyday is a miracle!

  12. Koech Emmanuel

    June 26, 2018 at 12:21 PM

    Am Inspired and motivated, thanks and may God bles you.

  13. Abhay

    June 21, 2018 at 10:04 PM

    Impressive. An amazing collection of inspiring thoughts. Young generation needs this type of quotes to follow their passion. Thanks

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