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Rodney Dangerfield Quotes and Famous One-Liners

These Rodney Dangerfield quotes are still popular even after the famed comedian has been gone for more than a decade.

The standup comedian’s humor was generally focused on self-deprecation and making fun of family life which earned him a loyal and appreciative audience since he started entertaining clubs and comedy bars in the ’60s in New York.    

His most notable catchphrase was “I don’t get no respect!” on which most of his jokes were based. 

Here are 50 of Rodney Dangerfield’s famous quotes and one-liners from his days as an actor and comedian which won the hearts of his fans. 

Don’t forget to also check out our list of Ron Swanson quotes that are hilarious and insightful.

Memorable Rodney Dangerfield quotes

1. “Boy what a hotel that was. Why, they stole my towel!” – Rodney Dangerfield

2. “For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.” – Rodney Dangerfield

3. “I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps … from moving cars.” – Rodney Dangerfield

4. “I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.” – Rodney Dangerfield

5. “I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.” – Rodney Dangerfield

6. “I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.” – Rodney Dangerfield

7. “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” – Rodney Dangerfield

8. “I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” – Rodney Dangerfield

9. “I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.” – Rodney Dangerfield

10. “I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous. Everyone hasn’t met me yet.” – Rodney Dangerfield

Hilarious Rodney Dangerfield quotes

11. “I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.” – Rodney Dangerfield

12. “I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.” – Rodney Dangerfield

13. “I went to see my doctor. ‘Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror… I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?’ He said, ‘I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.'” – Rodney Dangerfield

14. “It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.” – Rodney Dangerfield

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15. “My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.” – Rodney Dangerfield

16. “My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah. My wife just broke up with her boyfriend.” – Rodney Dangerfield

17. “My mother had morning sickness after I was born.” – Rodney Dangerfield

18. “My uncle’s dying wish: He wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.” – Rodney Dangerfield

19. “My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met!” – Rodney Dangerfield

20. “My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.” – Rodney Dangerfield

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Rodney Dangerfield quotes that will make you laugh out loud

21. “My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.” – Rodney Dangerfield

22. “My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.” – Rodney Dangerfield

23. “My wife’s not too smart. I told her our kids were spoiled. She said, ‘All kids smell that way.'” – Rodney Dangerfield

24. “Once, somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. She said, ‘No, but I did get the license number.'” – Rodney Dangerfield

25. “Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.” – Rodney Dangerfield

26. “The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.” – Rodney Dangerfield

27. “We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations. We’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.” – Rodney Dangerfield

28. “What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm.” – Rodney Dangerfield

29. “What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield

30. “When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” – Rodney Dangerfield

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Rodney Dangerfield quotes that will make your day

31. “When I was born, I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.” – Rodney Dangerfield

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32. “When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, ‘I’m very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through.'” – Rodney Dangerfield

33. “A girl phoned me the other day and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.” – Rodney Dangerfield

34. “At twenty, a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy, he still wants to reform the world. But he knows he can’t.” – Rodney Dangerfield

35. “I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.” – Rodney Dangerfield

36. “I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional. The knife had butter on it.” – Rodney Dangerfield

37. “I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window, I hurt somebody’s fingers.”

38. “I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.” – Rodney Dangerfield

39. “I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.” – Rodney Dangerfield

40. “I say ‘no’ to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, ‘no’.” – Rodney Dangerfield

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Other memorable Rodney Dangerfield quotes and sayings

41. “Life is just a bowl of pits.” – Rodney Dangerfield

42. “Marriage. It’s not a word. It’s a sentence.” – Rodney Dangerfield

43. “My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.” – Rodney Dangerfield

44. “My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.” – Rodney Dangerfield

45. “My wife’s cooking is so bad the flies fix our screens.” – Rodney Dangerfield

46. “On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.” – Rodney Dangerfield

47. “One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.” – Rodney Dangerfield

48. “When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.” – Rodney Dangerfield

49. “Yeah, I know I’m ugly. I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’” – Rodney Dangerfield

50. “There’s only one thing wrong with my wife’s face – it shows.” – Rodney Dangerfield

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51. “Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.” – Rodney Dangerfield

52. “Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.” – Rodney Dangerfield

53. “I mean, I’m not a kid anymore. I could go tomorrow. And I hope I go tomorrow. I haven’t gone today yet.” – Rodney Dangerfield

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Ridiculously Amusing Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

54. “I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.” – Rodney Dangerfield

55. “I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.” – Rodney Dangerfield

56. “Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.” – Rodney Dangerfield

57. “My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens.” – Rodney Dangerfield

58. “Life’s a short trip. You’ll find out.” – Rodney Dangerfield

59. “I’m not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.” Rodney Dangerfield

60. “I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.” – Rodney Dangerfield

61. “When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back.” – Rodney Dangerfield

62. “What a doctor I’ve got—he’s really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then he hit me in the balls with a hammer.” – Rodney Dangerfield

63. “I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.” Rodney Dangerfield

Did you enjoy these Rodney Dangerfield quotes

The humor of Rodney Dangerfield became widely known when he was invited to The Ed Sullivan Show in the late ’60s to perform his standup act which triggered more invitations to perform to bigger audiences and famous venues in glitzy Las Vegas. 

Rodney Dangerfield’s fame also earned him movie deals including “Caddyshack” in 1980 where he starred with Bill Murray and Chevy Chase.

Since then, the signature Rodney Dangerfield quotes and one-liners have become staples for standup comedy fans. 

Rodney’s success with his self-deprecating humor tells us all a lesson. 

We shouldn’t take ourselves too seriously. And sometimes, when life is not as perfect as we all wish it should be, it doesn’t hurt to laugh at our unfavorable situations, brush them off and move along.   

Which of these Rodney Dangerfield quotes and lines is your favorite? Do you have any other quotes to add? Let us know in the comment section below.

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  1. Knapweed

    September 15, 2021 at 7:58 PM

    My Doctor said, ‘Don’t eat anything fatty.”
    I said, ‘What, like pork chops and sausages?”
    He said, ‘No fatty, don’t eat anything!”

  2. Bill

    March 3, 2021 at 10:41 PM

    I said to my wife “How about some oral sex?” so she spit on me…

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